Diet update: The good news is the scale said 174.

The bad news is the scale I used is the lying-sack-of-shit bathroom scale that I estimate is off by six pounds.

So I'll say I weigh 180. I'm actually relieved. Somehow I pictured myself as having gained every one of the 18 pounds I lost back. Mind you, that would have involved spending my Christmas vacation eating something like 3,000 extra calories a day, which, while not impossible, takes some doing. Training, even. You know, like someone getting ready to enter a pie-eating contest.

You know, I thought I was being whimsical when I typed that last sentence, but on second thought, I'm not. For a real eye-opener, check out this week's People magazine--the January 14th issue with the people on the cover who had lost half their weight. There's an article where they show what these people used to eat on a typical day, and what they eat now. Teresa Williams used to weigh 310 pounds. And Teresa Williams really did used to eat 10,000 calories a day. Want to know what that would entail? From Page 97:

Breakfast: 6 cinnamon rolls and a large chocolate milk

Lunch: 1 entire box of Lucky Charms and a half-gallon of milk

(OK, so at least she didn't have to worry about getting enough calcium. Plus, let's face it: when you weigh that much, simply walking around is weight-bearing exercise.)

Dinner: 2 Taco Bell half-pound burritos, 2 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

Snacks: 2 brownies, 8 fried mozzarella sticks, 12 jalapeno poppers with ranch dressing, 1/2 gallon ice cream

At 5' 8", Teresa Williams now weighs 150 and is a size 8. I do not, and am not.

But I'm still down 13 pounds from when I started Weight Watchers. I don't have to panic that I've given away a lot of my size 16 clothes.

Basically, I'm only a few bowls of oatmeal--and 10,000 hours on the treadmill--away from my goal.

The Wednesday Weigh In that wasn't

You can imagine how enthusiastic I felt about heading to my Weight Watchers meeting this morning.

I just knew the meeting would be packed with all the people whose New Year Resolution was to lose weight. I knew the news from the scales was going to be bad, bad, bad. How could it not be bad when I spent the last month sitting on my ass, drinking champagne, eating chocolate, and watching House, M.D., where, for some reason, no one ever seemed to be dying of obesity-related illnesses like diabetes or hardening of the arteries or stuckinthebathtub-itis.

My weight gain? Hugh Laurie's fault. Damn him and his stubble-faced wonderfulness!

And then, at 8:00 or so this morning, when it came time to pack my daughter's backpack for school, I found a bunch of homework sheets that she had not done. So there I was, still in my pajamas, trying to get some of her homework finished and properly slotted away into the binder ... grumpy past all my abilities to describe, yet trying to sound cheerful and loving and not like the kind of mother who stomps all over her daughter's self-esteem, minces it, dips it in flour, deep fat fries it, and EATS IT.

So I sent her off to school, not in tears or anything like that. Yay. But at that point, I really didn't want to go to my meeting.

Mind you, I do want to get to the gym. I do want to re-lose the weight I just finished losing, for God's sake. I do want to be back on track. Why, on Sunday, I had sushi for lunch. On Tuesday, I had a grilled shrimp salad. Yesterday I spent 90 minutes on my new treadmill watching Bringing up Baby.

But baby steps for now.

So I'm wearing one of those god-awful Juicy Couture knock-off velour track suits. I'm going to make the beds, clean up the kitchen, and pack the van with a nice selection of rummage. If I have time, I'll get on the treadmill. (Maybe watch House, M.D.) And I will not drink champagne while I'm on it.

Tomorrow I will weigh myself on my friendly (i.e., lying sack of shit) bathroom scale. And I will post the number.

Honestly, what I do for my darling Hugh you people.