The Heartbreak of Milia

Lately I've become obsessed with exfoliating my skin, and my selections of samples to try has tended to include at least one product designed to scrub, melt, or blast the creepy bits off my face. It's because I've started to be bothered with milia.

This isn't the first time this has happened; I've had milia before under my eyes. I concluded (correctly) that the eye cream I was using was too rich. I stopped using it, and they went away.

This time it's a little more complicated. The milia have appeared at the outward edge of my nose and in my naso-labial folds. Unfortunately, I can't place the blame any single product. The culprit could be my day cream, my night cream, my makeup ... you name it. On top of that, I'm using more products on my face than I ever have, and because I'm working my way through so many samples, I've been switching products around like a plate juggler. It has also occurred to me that the problem could be the way I sleep with my face mashed into a pillow—maybe my night creme gets pressed into my [gasp] furrows. Maybe my skin can't breathe! OMG it's CHOKING! See what I mean about heartbreak of milia? Pardon me while I wail and gnash my teeth.

ANYWAY. To address the situation is a little more complicated this time than merely switching eye creams.

But before I go on acting like my typically long-winded self, I should cover the basics.

What are milia?

A milium is a hard lump of keratin trapped under the skin. Milia look like whiteheads, but they're not. There's no infection, inflammation, or reddening, and they don't ever come to a head. Eventually, with enough cellular turnover, a milium will go away. But if you don't help it along, it takes a really long time.

Who gets milia?

Two groups of people are prone to milia: babies and grown-ups who haven't been taking good enough care of their skin.

What causes milia?

Milia are caused by a lack of exfoliation. (To avoid repeating myself and/or telling you stuff you already know, I'll point out that I discussed the need for exfoliation here.)

With babies, I'm sure it's just that their tiny systems are tuning themselves up. I mean, they're born, and they're perfect, if a little crumpled looking. Then they go through a brief phase where they might get cradle cap, then milia, then they're perfect again (until they're teenagers and their oil production ramps up.)

But with grown-ups like you and me, milia can be caused by any of the following:

• a lack of exfoliation
• comedogenic makeup
• comedogenic face cream
• comedogenic sunscreen
• sun exposure

Yes, that's right. While sun exposure thickens the skin and makes it harder for it to shed milia, the sunscreens that prevent sun damage are pore-clogging bastards. You can't win. Unless you're a baby.

What I'm Going to Do to the Little Fuckers

1. Stop using face creams with comedogenic ingredients. I already know one prime offender.

Estee Lauder's original Re-Nutriv Creme (which I bought mostly because it's retro) contains serious amounts of lanolin as well as enough fragrance to keep a lady from smelling like a sheep. It honestly can't be great for the skin.

The current version no longer contains shark or turtle oil. Thank goodness

Sorry, Estee: Re-Nutriv is being downgraded to hand creme.

2. Double cleanse on any day I wear sunscreen. Which is every day, unless I'm in bed with the flu. Because I have dry skin with almost no tendency to break out, I have been known to be less-than-systematic with regard to this. You know, using a face wipe or two at night, or rinsing my face in my morning shower and calling it quits. That has to stop.

3. Exfoliate my entire face at least every other day. I'm currently using my Radical Skincare Age Defying Exfoliating pads, reviewed here. For suggestions of other pads you might try, click here.

4. Spot treat the actual milia with a cotton bud dipped in a beta-hydroxy acid solution. That sounds complicated, but I'm just using the liquid from my Stridex pads. In younger, more summery days, or in a beauty emergency, I have been known to use these all over my face, but at the moment, that's way too drying, so I'll just use a bit of the lotion on the milia.

By the way, these pads are dirt cheap, and they work on elbows, knees, and feet, sloughing off dead skin and keeping them soft. I always have some around. They're cheap, effective, and having anti-acne pads front and center in my bathroom makes me look young and sprightly.

Review: Radical Skincare Age Defying Exfoliating Pads

I received a packet of 15 of these exfoliating pads, from where, I know not, although my guess is that it was one of those Beauty Events I was just nattering on about. Probably at Neiman Marcus or Barney's, because this is some high-end stuff.

Radical Skincare Age Defying Exfoliating Pads (15 count)

The sample size packet I somehow acquired for free is available as a stand-alone item at Dermstore for $20.00.

The claims

Because I was working from a sample packet, which tend to be terse at best, I needed to visit the website to get more information. The Radical Skincare website claims this product will:

You know, I wish they had decided whether they wanted to employ the present or future tense. It would have made my blog post read that much more fluently. But no matter. There was no thought of pleasing me when they came up with these bullet points and their waffling, back-and-forth, pushmi-pullyu notions of time.

Here's what they say about their ingredients:

I am tactfully averting my eyes at the typos and missing apostrophes. The company mailing address is 20 Rue Cambon, Paris, which is pretty much across the street from the Chanel flagship store. I don't expect miracles of English usage from people who, if they needed a cup of sugar, could run across the street to borrow one from Coco Chanel. But I'm available for editing jobs at what I consider to be a reasonable price. Just putting that out there.

These are the actual ingredients, listed all legal-like:

This is where things get interesting. This product is like a multi-vitamin of acids and plant extracts, with both alpha- and beta-hydroxy acids in the lineup, specifically, glycolic and salicylic acids. There are also extracts of aloe, bilberry, coffee seed, grape seed, gotu kola, oat, echinacea, apple, chamomile, willow bark, tea, witch hazel, sugar cane, orange, lemon, sugar maple, tangerine, and Linalool, which sounds like it's right next door to Kalamazoo, or maybe Woolloomooloo, but is actually citrus peel extract.

Among the War and Peace-length list of ingredients, there are some that give me pause. I'm an insensitive person at best, but you might have a problem with any or all of these plant extracts. Also, I'm not thrilled with the inclusion of denatured alcohol. It's probably added as a penetration enhancer, which is OK, I guess, but I'm opposed on principle to alcohol being applied topically, when I much prefer it administered orally, where it might not do much for my skin, but will undoubtedly improve my outlook.

Shut up, Poppy. Just tell us whether this stuff works.

I am pleased to tell you that even though I consider the cornucopia of ingredients to be suspect at best (I mean, seriously, this thing rivals a can of Contadina tomato paste in its ability to squeeze an entire supermarket produce department into a single jar) I actually did get good results with these pads.

I should add that this was not without a certain amount of research, tweaking, and adjusting. I had to hit the internet to find out how to successfully integrate these pads into my existing skincare regimen. Finally, after using 13 of my 15 pads, I discovered that I had been doing it wrong.

Instead of wiping the pad over my face right after cleansing, I should have been using them 15 minutes after I applied my Vitamin C serum, and 15 to 20 minutes before I applied my nighttime moisturizer. Since I was down to my last two pads, I ordered another jar of them from Space NK (and yes, bought enough new stuff to get the gift bag SO SUE ME.)

This means that before I go to bed, I spend at least 45 minutes layering potions onto my face.  If you know anything about Korean skin care regimens, however, you would think I was the merest dilettante for mentioning that this process is somewhat time consuming. Because those K-Beauty babes use up to ten products at night, including a sheet mask. If I had spent as much time writing my dissertation as these women spend on their complexions, I'd be Dr. Poppy, and instead of blathering about skincare, I'd probably be correcting papers.

Never mind.

But Poppy, we thought you thought you had good skin. Why bother?

This is true. I mean, one of the things I discovered upon first dipping a toe into the world of Korean skin care is that most of the proponents are 20-somethings, and 90 percent of them have acne.  Since I don't suffer from either condition, I didn't think I would have much to learn.

I was wrong. It turns out I wasn't factoring pH into my regimen, specifically, that Vitamin C needs 15 minutes to penetrate, and that AHA and BHA products require an acid environment to do their work.

Once I let my Vitamin C serum soak in (and not coincidentally, acidify my face) and allowed the pads to work their 15 to 20 minutes, I saw immediate results. My pores were smaller, little cloggy places at the sides of my nose cleared up, and best of all, a couple of milia that had been bugging me worked their way to the surface of my skin and went bye-bye.

So, do they work? Yes. Would other products work as well? Maybe. Are they expensive? Cruelly.

60 pads for $75.00 at Sephora

How I ended up with so many samples

It's not my fault. Well, OK, it is. A bit.

I'll tell you what it is: it's the result of the clash of two parts of my personality. My me-me-me no-impulse-control id forms a temporary alliance with my New England-bred "use it up / wear it out / make it do / or do without" superego.

(My apologies to Dr. Freud for appropriating his concept of the mind to explain the way I shop for makeup. I'm sure that's not what his parents envisioned when they paid his medical school tuition.)

At any rate, the result of these competing forces is an outlook that tells me that IF I'm going to pop for ridiculously expensive cosmetics THEN I should take full advantage of gifts-with-purchase, preferably combined with some kind of Beauty Event swag.

In the off chance that you're reading this and don't share my insane interest in beauty products, I'll explain that a Beauty Event is a way for department and specialty stores to lure shoppers into the store after they've already spent all their money.

Let us imagine the retail landscape as just that: a landscape. Christmas would be a mountain, if not a mountain range to rival the Himalayas. Here in the northern hemisphere, the period after Valentine's Day can be thought of as a trough or Slough of Retail Despond. Accordingly, this is when stores schedule their Beauty Events.

Need proof?

Space NK has a really good one on now, while supplies last. I may or may not have bought something.

Neiman Marcus is on now and will end February 28th. Again, my lips are sealed as to any actual purchases that may have occurred.

Finally, Saks just put theirs up today. In the interest of science, and NOT because I want to add another 25 samples to my stash, I investigated.

If you spend $125 on beauty or fragrance at Saks, you will get this faux snakeskin tote and all these samples

My eye cream is making my eyes water like CRAZY, but I spot fragrance samples from Tom Ford, Bulgari, Miu Miu, Thierry Mugler, and that Gucci Bamboo stuff I sampled but wasn't crazy about.

For skincare, your guess is as good as mine; I'm becoming snow blind from all that white. I'm guessing a number of packets of eye cream and the like.

Let's say you're all "Yay! Samples!" and wriggling with excitement over the prospect of getting your eager hands on all that faux snakeskin. The next step is to decide what you want to buy to qualify for the gift.

You can, of course, combine lines to get the Saks gift, but you also want a GWP from an individual line. That is, if you're me.

This is where the New England side of my nature takes over. Let's pretend that I'm using my last drops of Chanel #5. It would make sense to replenish my supply during this event. And yet, Chanel is not offering a GWP, so I reject Chanel and continue to browse.

It turns out there's not much for me, but if you regularly use Bobbi Brown, Trish McEvoy, Nars, Clinique,  Lancôme, or any one of the number of lines Saks offers, you might be able to stock up on your favorites, hit the $125, and qualify for a second gift.

Warning: this gift will probably include samples.
  
Luckily for my retirement savings, I don't use products from these lines. I do use a pretty good amount of Estee Lauder DayWear as my daytime moisturizer. However, I'm underwhelmed by the Estee Lauder GWP.

I don't like the way this line smells. And the packaging sits right on the cusp of looking clinical without looking as luxurious as it should, considering that Re-Nutriv Ultimate Lift Correcting Creme retails for $285. Pass!

Of course, I'm enchanted by the Dolce&Gabbana red makeup bag and coordinating lipstick.

See how the zipper is a little lipstick? My inner four-year-old is jumping up and down.

It sparks a lot of joy. But I resist the lure of all that red.

And so, fie upon the Saks Beauty Event! I feel positively mature. And just think of all the samples I've avoided accumulating. It's like I've dodged a spray of tiny, foil-encased bullets.

Second warning: Just so you know, Barney's will be holding their event March 8th—13th. And the Barney's event is usually really good.

I've Got a Gal in Kalamazoo

I'm sorry I don't have a lot to report on the beauty front. Except to say that it is NOT my fault that I'm drowning in samples. Check it out: I went to the crack den for an emergency hair coloring appointment yesterday and walked out with a small bottle of Moroccanoil. Did I ask for it? Did I expect it? No and no. I didn't even know you could get GWPs in a hair salon.

I haven't tried the Moroccanoil yet, but I checked out the ingredients, and the first ingredient is cyclomethicone, which is silicone oil. The second ingredient is argan oil. Looks like you could make Moroccanoil by mixing one part FrizzEase with one part Josie Maran Argan Oil.

Was that a review? A rant? FINE. I'll try some on my daughter's wet hair. She can be my guinea pig.

"How is this?" wonders the internet. "Why is Poppy in such close proximity to her daughter's wet hair?" it asks. Well, I got up at 5:00 this morning to drive to Michigan to fetch her, because she has three auditions this weekend. We're currently in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

I just have to say this: there are a lot of funny place names in the States. But Kalamazoo is right up there with Woolloomooloo. I mean, with a name like that, if they don't actually have a zoo, I'm going to feel cheated.

And speaking of the performing arts, I can't dress, sing, dance, or even FALL DOWN this well.



Also, we're in a Holiday Inn right off a highway. We shared an order of fries at dinner. I don't think it's possible to feel less glamorous than I feel after watching that number.

Review: Marula Pure Beauty Oil shampoo and conditioner

Not Poppy.

Here I am in Florida, having packed a week's worth of outfits into a check-in bag that is supposed to weigh under 50 pounds.

I brought a couple of sample packets of shampoo and conditioner. I picked the ones that are sulfate-free, since I have both hair dye and a keratin treatment to protect.

Again, not Poppy.

I brought

Marula Intensive Repair Shampoo 8.5 oz./$28.00

with its matching conditioner

Marula Intensive Repair Conditioner 8.5/$28.00

And all I can say is ... this shampoo is probably OK for people who simply want to freshen their style by getting their hair wet enough to warrant blowing it dry. And this is actually me a lot of the time. Most of the time I have dry hair which I shampoo not because I really need to, but because it's been four or five days. Things seems a little flat. And dim. So why not?

But I'm in Florida, and I started this whole trip with "second day hair." So take second day hair plus tons of extra styling products to keep my hair from puffing and frizzing up in the Florida humidity, plus the extra yuck you get when you go jogging in 82 degree heat along the beach.

So, salt, humidity, oil, styling products + "glow" = a hot mess.

And this shampoo simply didn't get my hair clean.

It's sulfate free, so it doesn't foam up. Like, at all. So it's hard to know whether I've massaged it long enough into my scalp. And even with a second sudsing, it doesn't suds, so your guess is as good as mine as to whether it has worked.

I really hate blow drying my hair. It's incredibly labor intensive. I section it when it's wet into about 10 parts. Then I blow-dry each section and roll it around a velcro roller. Then I blast all the rollers with heat and let everything cool down. This takes a long time. My feet, back, legs, and triceps get tired.

When I go through all that, and my hair isn't actually clean, I get a little annoyed.

So I'd give the conditioner an 8 out of 10. It felt creamy and moisturizing, yet rinsed clean. It smelled good. It was a pleasant experience.

But the shampoo? Was like pouring a watery fluid into my hair. It didn't produce any suds. At all. And I know that sulfate-free shampoos don't create mounds of suds. But I did two "sudsings" and rinsed carefully and my. hair. still. wasn't. clean.

I'd call that the failiest fail that ever failed.

WTF, Sephora?

I followed a link from bird's blog to a page full of lovely-sounding oils at Sephora.

While there, I decided to check and see what my 1,170 Sephora points would get me these days.

For anyone who doesn't already know, once you join Sephora's Beauty Insider program, you receive one point for each dollar spent at Sephora. These points don't expire, and can be spent on deluxe samples as well as larger kits of bite-sized products.

Full disclosure: I did not spend $1,170 at Sephora last year. I've banked my points for years, waiting for really good stuff to pop up.

This is what I found today in the larger, 500-point selections:

- Laura Mercier – Foundation Primer - Radiance (0.5 oz)
- SEPHORA COLLECTION – The Mascara - Volume, Length & Definition (0.67 oz)
- Formula X – The Colors in X ♥ Rouge (0.13 oz)
- Buxom – Full-On™ Lip Polish in Dolly (0.05 oz) 

OK, first of all, four products? That's it?

Second, "Night-Out Necessities?"

A primer, mascara, nail polish, and lipgloss might be things I'd use when going out at night, but the implication is that you'd be carrying them in the so-called "clutch," which would never happen.

I don't know about you, but when I go out at night, I tend to carry a small purse, not a shaving kit, and I keep it pared down: my lip color du soir.  A comb. Tissues. Maybe a powder compact.

Definitely a powder compact now that I own this pearl-encrusted beauty from Estee Lauder. I intend to pull that baby out even if my nose doesn't need powdering, just to strike my friends dumb with its beauty.

What I don't carry: nail polish. Or primer, which, hello, goes on first, under the rest of my makeup.

Also, please note that Sephora manufactures Formula X nail polish, so half the offerings are Sephora products.

But enough with this grumpiness! On to the next idiotic 500 point bonus.

 - SEPHORA COLLECTION Express Eye Makeup Remover Wipes (0.101 oz each)
- SEPHORA COLLECTION Colorful Face Powders –  in 05 Sweet On You (0.006 oz)
- Peter Thomas Roth Anti-Aging Cleansing Gel (2 oz)
- Fresh Sugar Advanced Therapy Lip Treatment (0.07 oz)
- Marc Jacobs Fragrances Daisy Eau So Fresh (0.04 oz)
- Dolce&Gabbana Dolce Floral Drops (0.06 oz)
- Origins GinZing™ Refreshing Face Mask (0.24 oz)

OK, this one has seven products, but that's about the only nice thing I have to say.

This one's a "conveniently curated" collection of samples to help out at the gym. Hmm, let's see: two Sephora products, a cleanser, a face mask, a lip balm, and two fragrances.

Color me underwhelmed.

I may be overweight and middle-aged, but I spend a lot of time at the gym, and I can tell you what would be useful at the gym: crap you might have forgotten to pack in your gym bag. Crap you might have forgotten to pack in your purse.

I would suggest: packets of sulfate-free shampoo and conditioner, a small bottle of Micellar water with some of those amazingly soft Japanese cotton squares, tinted SPF lip balm, a BB cream, a hair tie, an emery board, and yes, this would be a great opportunity to sling along a trial-size mascara.

Poppy's theory

I'm using my mighty intellect to deconstruct these kits, and this is what I've got: Sephora has a overabundance of samples. Sephora wants to push its own products. Sephora tells some marketing schmo to find a way to get this stuff out the door. Marketing schmo decides to copy Estee Lauder, ipsy, etc., and plop half a dozen things into a plastic cosmetics bag.

Why Poppy is grumpy

These kits basically represent Sephora's gratitude for having spent $500 at their stores.

Pause for a moment and imagine what you'd get for buying $500 worth of Estee Lauder, Clinique or Lancome, if you shopped intelligently and took advantage of GWP events. Or say you waited and bought your high-end products during a beauty event at Barney's, Bergdorf Goodman, Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom, or Space NK.

You would end up with a suitcase full of samples. I know this from personal experience. How did I get into my current situation with regard to samples? Well, it wasn't shopping at Sephora, I can tell you that.

I'll say it again, because it bears repeating: WTF, Sephora?

Review: Fresh Soy Face Cleanser

This is a series in which, in an attempt to work my way through my sample overload, I spend the weekend trying out samples, then inflict capsule reviews upon the internet. 

 I'm continuing to work on my sample stash, but the review process is getting bogged down with various treatment products. To detest a lipstick or nail polish is for me, the work of a moment, but if a product comes with 15 burn-off-your-wrinkles-and-brown-spots pads, I feel duty-bound to to use all 15 before weighing in. 

However, things are simplified when skincare arrives in a single-use packet.

Fresh Soy Face Cleanser, 1.7 oz., $15.00; picture courtesy of Nordstrom

This product has been reviewed hundreds of times on MakeupAlley and thousands of times on Sephora. Mind you, I didn't actually read these reviews before I tried the product, because it wasn't necessary. This wasn't a cloth mask imbued with eau de unicorn tears accompanied by instructions written in Korean. It was a water-soluble cleanser in a single-use packet.

There are ups and downs to these packets, which I feel pressed to bloggersplain to you. It can be hard to tell how much product to use, even when common sense tells you, duh, it's a single-use packet. With things like hair conditioner, the amount you use depends on the amount and condition of your hair. And sometimes the product you're sampling is incredibly expensive, and you're trying your utmost to avoid wasting even a drop, because you can dimly sense the shades of your Puritan ancestors judging you for your spendthrift-y wastefulness.

But with a tiny packet of facial cleanser, even an over-thinker can guess the amount required, so I ripped open the packet and rubbed its contents over my face.

The Good

This is a lotion-y, non-foaming cleanser, a lot like Cetaphil, except with fancier ingredients.

Ingredient list courtesy of Nordstrom's helpful website.

As you can see, the ingredients feature a lot of bland, inoffensive stuff, as well as small amounts of plant oils and extracts.

This product is sulfate- and paraben-free.

It feels like a lotion on the skin. In fact, it shares an okra-water-like slimy lotion texture with Cetaphil, its much cheaper, less allergenic,  more widely available comrade in cleansing.

Like Cetaphil, it doesn't strip the skin.

It worked fine as a wake-up-the-face morning shower cleanser.

The Bad

The product's claims are unconvincing. Fresh touts its use of soy, but as always, in a cleanser, the ingredients are on your face for an extremely short time, so whatever miracles soy is supposed to perform probably won't have time to occur.

It has limited cleansing abilities. It won't remove heavy makeup or sunscreen unless you also use some kind of mechanical exfoliation, either by washcloth or Clarisonic.

It's expensive.

It has fragrance. A strong cucumber fragrance

which I hated.

Poppy's Epiphany 

I like cucumbers, and I don't, in general, mind the smell of cucumber in my skincare (RIP Caswell Massey Cucumber cold cream) but this stuff just flat out reeked. Some reviewers pick up notes of rose, etc., which makes sense, given the ingredient list. All I smelled was a composting heap of cucumber skin.

And I realized something. Life's too short to use beauty products that make me gag bug me.

First of all, taking care of yourself should be one of life's great sensual pleasures. Your creams and lotions should look, smell, and fell wonderful—to you, not a random bunch of reviewers. If you adore the scent of Fresh Soy Cleanser, that's great; use and enjoy. But I'd be kicking myself if I'd popped for a full-size tube based on the reviews, because I would have never reached for it.

Which leads me to the second half of my epiphany. Bought-but-not-used products make me feel bad. They don't spark joy; they spark guilt. If I had purchased a tube of this cleanser, it would get shoved aside and neglected. And then the shades of my Puritan ancestors would gang up on me and make me feel terrible.

TLDR

This shit smells terrible, and it was with an overwhelming sense of joy that I threw the empty packet into the bin.

Unfloppable Poppy

So I'm thinking deep thoughts about K-Beauty and snail creams and whether I should tiptoe into all that, even though I suspect that if I do, I'll never get through all my samples. (Laura Mercier's oil-free foundation looks promising, but I thought I'd try it in Florida before I post a review.) So anyway, I procrastinated by checking out the most current links on bird's blog.

First I read a sad tale of bra shopping.

image courtesy of "Unsupported" by Betsy Morais, at the Awl

Then, I got this, from a website in New Zealand.

I think the universe is sending me a message. It is telling me to head over to Barenecessities.

And hey—when was the last time you refreshed your lingerie drawer? Hmmm? Those things don't last forever, you know. Even with careful laundering (use lukewarm water; hand wash where possible, but you can use a mesh bag, or, in a pinch, a knotted pillowcase; hang to dry, NEVER PUT THEM IN THE DRYER) you get maybe two years. If you rotate them. And don't wear them two days in a row.

Wait a minute—have we talked about this? Well, it bears repeating: take care of your girls and the bras that cover them.

Also, if you have access to a Japanese food store or are good at shopping on line, get one of these

You'll thank me. Socks, bras, hose—the uses are endless. And yes, my friend Liz thought mine was hilarious and came out of the powder room carrying one and laughing helplessly, but mine isn't nearly as funny as this

which is strangely reminiscent of those things you use to wash your trucker caps in the top rack of your dishwasher. But they would probably come in handy if you wear those bras with the linings and push-up pads and suchlike. Those suckers take forever to dry.

TLDR: If you can't read the size on the label anymore, it's time to buy new.

Dermstore 30 percent off coupon code: member30

Yes, internet, here are more tales of shopping from the idiot who is supposedly on a low-buy.

Here's my rationalization: trying out DHC's original stinky cleansing oil rekindled my love for DHC's Gentle Touch cleansing oil.

DHC Mild Touch Cleansing Oil (5 oz.) $24.00

And I am actually running out of my current cleansing oil.

I posed my bottle in front of my Marimekko washbag because POPPIES.

Also, I remembered that on Friday night I was having the dickens of a time applying a fairly new-to-me foundation

on top of the remnants of this mask

Sisley Black Rose Cream Mask (2.1 0z.) suggested retail $165, available at Overstock for $102.04

which I'd forgotten I'd been testing.

My foundation balled up like crazy. I wished I'd had a beautyblender to use, but I'd passed one along to my daughter and misplaced the other. I made do by blending and BLENDING and BLENDING with my fingers, then used a large powder brush to whisk off the extraneous balls of goo. (Look, I'm sorry, but sometimes beauty isn't pretty.)

(By the way, this is the second time in a week that I've admitted to having lost something I like. Which just goes to show what you're dealing with around here.)

At any rate, you'd be proud of me, Internet. For a brief shining moment, there was a $300 French hair dryer in my shopping basket, as well as a deeply discounted professional nail care kit that might have brought my sad January Chicago fingernails and cuticles back to life. But I removed them, and bought just the cleanser and two beautyblenders (one for my vanity, one for my washbag.)

Also, instead of buying the pre-packaged "Two Beauty Blenders plus a FREE Bottle of our Special Beauty Blender Shampoo--now with more plastic!"

I just bought two individual beautyblenders.

Confession: I already fell for that particular pitch and now have a lifetime supply of that beautyblender cleanser. Or, as they so winsomely named it, blendercleanser. (Don't waste your money; hand soap is perfectly adequate.)

As an aside: I'm thoroughly sick of typing these lowercase compound nouns. They can bite my asscheeks.

At any rate, if you're in the market, that 30 percent off code is pretty decent. And they're offering free shipping.

Of course, they also said something about free samples, but I'm trying to be brave.

Review: Clinique Black Honey nail polish

So apparently, one day Clinique woke up and said "Hey! We're the only department store makeup line that doesn't sell nail polish!" And with their usual all-American capitalistic fervor, they proceeded to manufacture some.

Now, being Clinique, they had to adopt this whole hypo-allergenic, dermatologist-tested scientific-sounding good-for-you stance, so they came up with a nail polish whose main claim was that it isn't irritating. Sort of ... the boy next door of nail polishes.

Apparently, the first place nail polish irritation shows is around the eyes, since we all touch the eye area hundreds of times a day. But most people don't realize this, so when Clinique announced that their nail polish didn't irritate the eyes, the beauty press's reaction was a profound "Wha------?"

Which may have affected sales.

Also, getting into the nail polish business three years ago is sort of like buying a house in 2006.

You've probably already figured out where this is going, right?

My tale of woe

This wasn't a sample, per se. I picked up my bottle as part of a Sephora Black Honey set.

I got the Almost Lipstick, the nail polish, and two Black Honey products that are exclusive to Sephora: the Quickliner twist up eye pencil and the Superbalm Moisturizing Gloss.

The good

It's a gorgeous color. OK, my husband thinks it looks like a bruise, or maybe a very old scab. And he's right. There's a definite dried blood look to this stuff. Polishistas™ would refer to it as "vampy." And it is a dupe of Chanel's original 1995 Vamp, the mother of all dark, so-ugly-they're-beautiful, blackened-red polishes.

But honestly, I think it's prettier than Vamp. Or Rouge Noir, which is the original Vamp, renamed for the American market.

Image courtesy of Izzy's Beauty Shop

But back to Clinique. The brush isn't as wonderful as OPI's wide brush, but it's not as flimsy and stupid as an Essie or Chanel brush. And it's not the 3-D mega-triangular-Hulk-Smash brush that Dior uses. So that's good, too.

Also, the length of the brush works well with the consistency of the polish. When the brush is really long, like Sally Hansen's, a glob of polish can migrate down the brush and flood your cuticles. But this polish behaves itself.

Also, it's a creme. No glitter, shimmer, or sparkles. Just a smooth, deep, glorious creme.

The Bad

Actually, it's not a creme; it's a jelly. Which I've been known to like a lot. But there's a time and a place for everything, and sometimes I'm not in the mood to mess around with glitter making jelly sandwiches.

I'm not fabulous at applying nail polish, but I'm not terrible. I mean, I can color inside the lines. I managed to get this on without ooking up my cuticles and the skin on the side of my nails too much. But this stuff is sheer. Really sheer. This is one coat

This is two coats.

To get good coverage, I think you'd really need to apply three coats.

Now, this polish dries fast. Very fast. But, as the lady says

In the interest of science, and because I really like the color, I tried this polish twice. The first time, I didn't get around to applying top coat, which is something I usually do. My nails started chipping within hours. Seriously, later the same day. Within two days my nails were the kind of mess that would leave Faux Fuchsia running around with her hair on fire.

I tried again--this time, base coat, two coats of color, and top coat. That's the second picture up there. And of course I was in a hurry so of course squidged the top coat a little, but there you go--again with the two coats, and you can still see through the color, and there's a tiny chip in the forefinger of my non-dominant hand.

Anyway, I wouldn't recommend this polish, unless you are really, really gifted at applying nailpolish, and own a great bulletproof topcoat.

Ladies, start your hoarding

None of this matters, though. I'm sorry to announce there is a world-wide shortage of this attractive, streaky, and chip-prone nail polish.

I went to the Sephora website to find out the price of the set I bought, and it's not there any more. (For the record, the set cost me $25, and I ordered it on November 9th, 2015.)

It turns out there are also no Clinique nail polishes to be found, on Sephora or any other store that sells Clinique. The Clinique website has nothing. I googled and got a hit, but when I clicked on it, the Clinique website redirected me.

WTF? It's like Clinique is trying to scrub every reference to their nail polish from the internet. 

Seriously, Clinique? You just introduced this line in 2013. I just bought this stuff two months ago. What if I had liked it? 

As of this writing, Clinique has disappeared their nail polish. Unless you're willing to buy from a third-party retailer, you'll have to wait for a St. Bernard carrying a barrel of dermatologist-tested blackened-red nail polish around his neck to come rescue you from your predicament.

Oops, I did it again

 

I'm sorry, Internet. I reviewed something you can't buy. Again.

Luckily, you probably wouldn't want to.

Of course, on the bright side, if you already own this polish, hold on to it. As with all discontinued products, there will be crazed fans out there. You'll probably be able to sell it on eBay for unbelievable amounts of money. 

Review: DHC Deep Cleansing Oil

DHC Deep Cleansing Oil, 6.7 oz, $28.00

This is the original cleansing oil. At least, it's the first cleansing oil I and my fellow American product addicts had ever heard of. I first heard about it on a fashion Usenet group, back in the dawn of the Internet. We were savages, sitting around chanting strange tribal chants ("mac ... mac ... bob ... bee ... brown") and then this monolith arrived out of nowhere. It was a huge bottle of olive oil. And we were all--"You mean you put it on dry skin, add a little water to emulsify, massage a bit, then rinse it off--and it RINSES CLEAN???!!! But it's OIL." And then we all fainted dead away.

The alt.fashion Usenet group, circa 2001

Flash forward to the present. DHC Deep Cleansing Oil is incredibly popular. There are over 4,000 reviews on the DHC website, and over 1,000 on MakeupAlley.

What do I have to add to the discussion? Not much. Remember, my goal is simply to use up samples. And DHC hands out a boatload--they even stick them to the pages of their catalog. (Remember catalogs?)

So anyway, I like cleansing oils. I like that they rinse off—sometimes it takes a little persuasion, but it happens—and you don't have the endless series of icky greasy tissues to deal with.

You can smile as much as you want; there is still grease all over the place

But I've tried several cleansing oils at this point. My favorite is actually a different DHC product: DHC Mild Touch. For some reason, it doesn't have nearly the level of popularity that the original, (spoiler alert: much heavier and smellier) oil has.

I'm currently using SKII. It's a bit heavy, but it doesn't smell. Would I repurchase? Probably not. It's pretty expensive for what it is.

My least favorite cleansing oil is Josie Argan's, which is incredibly heavy and hard to spread.

So anyway, this DHC stuff ... was OK. It did emulsify--begrudgingly--when I added a little water. But it smelled. What was that smell?

Oh. Lavender.

You know, I like the smell of lavender. Within reason. And in the right place. Laundry, yes. Ice cream, no. And, as it turns out, face wash, no.

Verdict: No.

Although I will keep those tiny sample packets for travel. Because you haven't really lived until your deluxe-sample-size-at-Sephora-Josie Argan cleansing oil leaks all over your washbag.

Review: Yves Saint Laurent Vernis a Levres Rebel Nudes #103, Pink Taboo

Yves St. Laurent Rebel Nudes Glossy Stain #103 Pink Taboo, courtesy of Nordstrom

Wow, I've really gotten crabby in my recent reviews. It's probably because I feel guilty for having accumulated such an embarrassment of samples. I am, after all, descended from the religious fanatics who settled New England in the 17th century. Guilt? Shame? Burning witches at the stake? It's what I do. 

At any rate, Internet, I'm delighted to inform you that I actually liked this product.

There have been a whole lot of innovations in lipstick formulations over the past few years. Then there are the lip stains. The lip stains-in-oils. The liquid matte lipsticks. I can't keep up.

Then has been the ridiculous jump in the prices of lipstick, with Tom Ford ($52) and Guerlain's Rouge G ($54) leading the pack. Even Estée Lauder is quietly phasing out their All-Day lipstick line ($20) and replacing it with the Pure Color Envy line ($30).

So thank goodness Yves St. Laurent forced these samples into my hands. Otherwise I'd still be using my old-fashioned boring old creamy opaque lipstick packaged in tubes. GOD.

This product applies like a lip gloss, looks like a lip gloss, but wears like a long-wear liquid lipstick.

According to Sephora:

This glossy Stain captures the shine of a gloss, color of a lipstick, and the long wear of a stain. Rebel Nudes is the first to premiere Euphoric Pearl technology for an all-day 3D luminous effect. 

This is upon first applying this afternoon

Yves Saint Laurent Glossy Stain #103 at 4:00 p.m. by daylight. It's euphoric! And pearly!

This is three and a half hours later, after dinner and wine drinking

the same shade at 7:30 p.m., by artificial light ... still there, maybe not so delighted with itself

It looks like it's migrating a bit, but only a little bit. And it's still there, after eating dinner. Amazing.

This stuff applies with a sponge-tipped applicator. The sample applicator was a little awkward to use, but I managed to get the hang of it. You apply it as evenly as you can—I think I did OK, but the color I picked to test is pretty forgiving, anyway—then let it set for a minute or two. It feels light on the lips, but has a creamy-to-glossy texture and a shiny finish. 

It feels very moisturizing for a couple of hours, but then I start feeling little indications of irritation? Dryness? I'm not sure, but I added some Aquaphor on top. So it's not perfect.

But speaking of wine—when my husband and I brought our dinner dishes into the kitchen, I couldn't tell whose wineglass was whose. Even though it feels moisturizing and even a bit greasy, this leaves almost nothing on the rim of a wineglass. .

On top of that, it doesn't cost $50. OK, it costs $35 USD for 0.2 oz. It's not cheap. And that's a small amount of product. But then, you wouldn't be reapplying every hour, so there's that.

Verdict: I was totally ready to buy this, and had added it to my Nordstrom shopping bag—but then I noticed that if I bought it, they'd give me a bag of samples. WHICH I DO NOT NEED.

The good news is that this isn't a limited edition, so maybe I can find a terribly cruel wicked stepmother of a store that won't shower me with free shit.