That was the week that sucked

I know I'm supposed to be moving along with my usual assortment of sweetness, light, wit, puns, knock-knock jokes, and whoopee cushions, but my brain is pretty much fried, and anyway, I'm just so damned glad it's Friday night.

I'm upstairs in my bedroom with my legs under the covers playing with my laptop and My New iPhone™. Apple just released a version of Kindle for the iPhone, and even though I have more than enough books, I can't resist the opportunity to geek out and play with this new software, even if it leaves me with a couple of ridiculous additions to my "to-read" list.

So anyway, how geeky am I? I got Lady of Quality by Georgette Heyer, which I already own, and Clarissa by Samuel Richardson, which is the longest novel in the English language, and which I don't own, mostly because I lack the space necessary to shelve a book the size of the Oxford English Dictionary.

Well, now I have them both crammed into My New iPhone™, and this pleases me to no end, purr purr, and helps me forget the following horrors of the past week:

1. On Monday I survived Girl Scout Thinking Day, in which my patrol enacted a skit against cyberbullying. Except I'm not sure they understood the concept. But it didn't matter if they got it wrong, because no one could hear them in the auditorium, anyway. Oh, and my daughter practically demanded a large role, and then when I gave her one, freaked out five minutes before we started, so that while I was trying to get the rest of the patrol together and get my little welcoming speech drafted, I also had to dry Poppette's tears and assure her that everything would be fine. This explains why I literally threw myself at the school psychologist (who was just trying to go home after a long day) and forced her to talk my daughter off the ledge.

And that was just part of my Monday horrors. I also had to help rehearsals of the eighth grade play. Have I mentioned that they're doing Disney's Beauty and the Beast? (No? I haven't talked about anything lately except Hitachi Magic Wands? How remiss of me.) Well, they are. And guess who's Beast? Young Master Buxom. So. Guess who feels that she has to do whatever is asked of her? Me, that's who.

2. Now, Tuesday--I have no idea what horrors I had to survive on Tuesday, although I dimly remember something about volunteering in the school lunchroom. Also more Beauty and the Beast rehearsals.

3. On Wednesday I was working on a post for BlogHer, made a TINY change, refreshed the screen and LOST IT ALL, meaning I had to start from scratch, which I did, and that nearly killed me. I barely survived only to have to help with Beauty and the Beast rehearsals AGAIN.

4. On Thursday Young Master Buxom played a cello sonata for a recital that we hadn't even known about until late last week. This necessitated a lot of frantic rehearsing, the borrowing of the teacher's $5,000 bow, the donning of our fancy clothes, and the attending of the concert. (Where he did very well.)

5. Today I did a Mamarazzi post, did MORE volunteer lunch room duty, and retrieved My New iPhone™ from the gym, where I left it the other day.

Oh, and did I mention that my husband has been working late every night this week? And isn't home yet because he has a brief or a reply or some lawyer-y thing that needs to be filed by tonight at 11:00?

Internet, while you're up, could you bring me another glass of wine?

Whoredom

Oh, internet. You'd better sit down.

We need to talk.

You know how I've started posting about the Hitachi Magic Wand? And you thought we really had something going? Well ... I've been cheating on you. Instead of posting here, I've been posting everywhere else.

First, the temptation to make fun of Marc Anthony was irresistible.

Then I had to copy Kristen of Motherhood Uncensored and go on a month-long shred. Which of course meant I needed to start Yet Another Blog.

And then today? I was over at BlogHer giving the color green a tongue bath.

Internet, I know you're always here--warm, loving, and loyal--and yet I can't seem to help myself. I just keep throwing myself at these other blogs.

On top of that, I've been twittering my fingers to the bone.

Oh, internet. Is Twitter the Hitachi Magic Wand of blogging? And am I the Paris Hilton?

Don't answer that.

How to go to a blogging conference, Part 1: Don't bring your Hitachi Magic Wand

Confession time: I was totally in love with my last post. I was so in love with it that we got married. And no matter how old and shop-worn my last post got, I couldn't bear to dump it in favor of a younger, thinner trophy post.

What was so special about it?

I lost my blogging Hitachi Magic Wand virginity in that post. You see, I'd been blogging for almost five years, and yet somehow, I'd never mentioned the Hitachi Magic Wand before. But then I did. And the earth moved.

But now it's time to move on. Because sex isn't everything. And neither are Hitachi Magic Wands.

Now, a while ago, when Blissdom09 was winding down, I told the internet I was going to write a post about how to go to a blogging conference. With BlogHer looming on the horizon, I figured that now was as good a time as any to make good on this threat.

I could get all demure here and say that having attended precisely two blogging conferences, I'm not exactly an expert. But the way I see it, blogging is like a virtual literary pyramid scheme where everyone who starts blogging inspires 1,000 other people to start blogging, too. That means you're a newbie for maybe a month. There will always be lots more people who know even less than you do. So you might as well go ahead and call yourself an expert. Since I've been blogging for almost five years, I'm probably your blogging great-great-grandmother. So pipe down, you whippersnappers, and listen up.

If you go to a blogging conference, you'll hear all about Search Engine Optimization, or SEO. And if you're like me, you'll pretty much zone out, because who cares, right?

And yet, like me, you'll eventually realize that you might pick up a few extra hits by mentioning the Hitachi Magic Wand every other sentence. And you'll probably pick up a few more hits by using pictures that you stole from a sex toy website and then renamed

PoppyBuxom_says_thats_not_where_you_use_a_HitachiMagic
Wand.jpg.


Or


PoppyBuxom_doesnt_actually_own_a_HitachiMagicWand.jpg.

And I don't. But if you do, don't bring it to a blogging conference. First of all, you're going to have to go through airport security, and it could be embarrassing. I mean, look at that thing. It's as long as my arm.

And anyway, what you really need to bring is business cards. At least 200 of them. There are lots of places that can make them for you. And keep them handy--stash a few in your pockets, in your laptop case, in your purse. Get so you can hand over a business card within seconds of meeting someone. Keep a pen handy for notes.


You'll notice I use my avatar on mine. I do this to cushion the blow people feel when they discover that I'm not a semi-nude 23-year old Parisian with poppies in my hair. Now that I've clued you in, when I hand you my card you'll have your pen ready, and you'll be able to write THE MIDDLE-AGED BLABBERMOUTH WHO DOES NOT RESEMBLE HER AVATAR AT ALL on the back before you throw it away.

Next up: How to go to a blogging conference, Part 2: What to bring home. Stick around. This post will probably be my dirty mistress for a while, but Part 2 will show up eventually.

Mental masturbation, or, what I learned from doing Blog365

First of all, I'm amazed I did it. OK, sure--to make sure I adhered to the letter of the law, I farted around with my date and time settings. And daily readers might have been a little confused at times, because sometimes I was blogging someplace other than here (like here or here or here or even here.) But I did it.

As far as I'm concerned, this is even more amazing than losing 30 pounds and keeping it off. Which (in case you haven't been keeping score) I haven't managed to do yet. And partly I blame blogging, because sitting on your rear end in front of your laptop is not conducive to weight loss. Even if you are exercising your fingers.

Well. Now that I've landed heavily (pun intended) on this side of the Blog365 experience, now that I could buy and wear a t-shirt saying

I bored the Internet for a year
and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

my primary response is: why? What good did it do?

Let's explore this question, shall we? Here are some not-very-frequently asked questions about Blog365--which I made up--and my answers--which I also made up.

1. Did Blog365 improve your writing? Maybe. It certainly made it go faster. Let's face it; do anything at all every day for a year--even masturbate--and you'll be able to do it faster.

2. But what about quality? Quality is an issue, even with masturbation. Say you masturbate and have a sort of half-hearted, not-particularly-intense orgasm. What do you do, complain that you don't love yourself anymore? Break up with yourself? No, you roll over and go to sleep. (That is, if you're female. I don't know what guys do. And I don't want to know, OK? This is a family blog.) Well, let's face it: quality is even more important when another person is involved, say, for example, with blogging, where you really do kind of hope a reader or two will materialize.

3. How much faster did your writing get? Much. And with not even that much of a diminution of quality. Like what I've typed so far? Took 94 seconds. Truth. But again--speed isn't the whole picture. I'll use my masturbation analogy again, because it's occurred to me that what this blog has needed all along is more talk about masturbation. So anyway, how impressive is the ability to have an orgasm after only 20 seconds of stimulation? It's efficient; it would make a good party trick, but in the larger scheme of things, aren't we really looking for something more intense? I believe that we are.

4. Would you say then that the internet meme is the Hitachi Magic Wand of blogging? I would indeed. Memes get the job done, but they're not especially memorable.

5. What advice would you give to other people about to embark upon Blog365? Keep all of your drafts; break down long posts into shorter posts; write reviews; write reactions to other blog posts; make fun of the government, religion, or your family. And when inspiration fails, fire up the Hitachi.

Joke's giving away a Hitachi Magic Wand!

All you have to do is answer the following questions, all culled from his blog entries, and the Hitachi Love-a-matic is yours. Here goes!

1. What is the best brand of products to preserve leather? Some fancy crappe I don't own.
   
2. My alcohoroscope shows me to be what sign? You are a "Bloody Aries," and I'll thank you not to make me swear.
   
3. What do I like to drink in those teeny tiny Petrossian glasses and what do I enjoy eating as an accompaniment? Jello shots; Corn Dogs.
   
4. What's my Myers-Briggs personality type? YT;TYA (You think; therefore you are)
   
5. What do I use to clean the burners of the porn grill? Your wife's Sonicaire toothbrush. Take THAT noisy annoying appliance!
   
6. How long did I actually have (in the physical sense) the car that sucked? Three minutes. And then you heartlessly threw it away. You cad.
   
7. What Rat Packer am I? Joey Bishop, a/k/a The Fifth Rat Packer.
   
8. What, in my opinion, is the worst part of living in SoFla? Being in the south and having to listen to New York accents.
   
9. Who is the artist being honored (in absentia) at JokeFest2006? Ooh, ooh! I think I actually know this one! Jimmy Buffet.
   
10. How many "tuxedo-able" bow ties do I own? Wait a minute; which ones are we counting here? The kind you have to tie yourself, or the normal kind?
    
11. What is my most heretical recipe? Food processed Elmer's Glue au Joke.
    
12. What is the title of the first book I recommended on this blog? are You there, God? It's me, Joke.
    
13. Do I consider myself a metrosexual and why or why not? No, you consider yourself a petrosexual.
    
14. How many turkeys did I grill for Thanksgiving 2005? Stop calling your family names, you big meany.
    
15. What did I spend 1/1/05 doing? Nursing a hangover like everyone else.
    
16. What scary thing did my 8 year old ask Santa for? My daughter.
    
17. What's wrong with MOST organic milk these days? It comes in plastic jugs. But not, thankfully, Pamela Anderson's.
    
18. What airline couldn't get us from "here to there" Delta Delta Delta couldn't help ya, help ya, help ya.
    
19. What do I call the day in which Poppy and self became pals? Our drivelversary. Just don't ask me the date.
    
20. What is my medical directive to my wife/children? Give. me. your. kidneys. Now!
    
21. What holiday was the subject of a LONG and hilarious blog entry that, sadly, Blogger ate? I'm not sure, but I think it was St. Prisca's Day, (July 8th) which for reasons that aren't exactly clear, you spent at Disneyland.
    
22. How did I describe the ::cough, cough:: Cupid garden statue TFBIM got? (BONUS! What happened to that statue?) "Oh my God, it's adorable!" And then you drove to the outlets in Naples and bought a lot of little outfits for it.
    
23. Which relative vexes me telephonically the most? Your great-great-great grandfather. He never calls.
    
24. How many times has an Italian car left me stranded? None. But can we say that about the female passengers?
    
25. What did I consider (at the time) to be better than sex? Suckling at your mother's teat.