Saturday, July 02, 2005

An open letter to Tom Cruise

Dear Tom,

You know all that posturing and opining we've been hearing about? One thing is clear from all of it; you think we care what you think. Well, why is that? Because you're smart? Well-educated? A well-known author? A Republican shill-for-hire pundit?

No, apparently we care what you think because you're a movie star.

Well, Tom, here's a list of films I haven't seen. Read it and weep:
  1. War of the Worlds (2005) .... Ray Ferrier
  2. Collateral (2004) .... Vincent
  3. The Last Samurai (2003) .... Nathan Algren
    ... aka The Last Samurai: Bushidou (USA: poster title)
  4. Minority Report (2002) .... Chief John Anderton
  5. Vanilla Sky (2001) .... David Aames
  6. Mission: Impossible II (2000) .... Ethan Hunt
    ... aka M:I-2 (USA: DVD box title (promotional abbreviation))
    ... aka Mission: Impossible II (Germany)
  7. Magnolia (1999) .... Frank T.J. Mackey
    ... aka mag-no'li-a (USA: promotional title)
  8. Eyes Wide Shut (1999) .... Dr. William 'Bill' Harford
    ... aka EWS (USA: promotional abbreviation)
  9. Jerry Maguire (1996) .... Jerry Maguire
  10. Mission: Impossible (1996) .... Ethan Hunt
    ... aka Mission Impossible
  11. Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994) .... Lestat de Lioncourt
    ... aka Interview with the Vampire (USA: short title)
  12. The Firm (1993) .... Mitch McDeere
  13. Far and Away (1992) .... Joseph Donnelly
  14. Days of Thunder (1990) .... Cole Trickle
  15. Born on the Fourth of July (1989) .... Ron Kovic
  16. Rain Man (1988) .... Charlie Babbitt
  17. Young Guns (1988) (uncredited) .... Cowboy
  18. Cocktail (1988) .... Brian Flanagan
  19. The Color of Money (1986) .... Vincent
  20. Top Gun (1986) .... Lt. Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell
  21. Legend (1985) .... Jack
    ... aka Legend: Ultimate Edition (USA: reissue title (video title))
  22. All the Right Moves (1983) .... Stef
    ... aka All Right
  23. Risky Business (1983) .... Joel Goodsen
  24. Losin' It (1983) .... Woody
  25. The Outsiders (1983) .... Steve Randle
  26. Taps (1981) .... David Shawn
    ... aka The Siege at Bunker Hill: T.A.P.S (UK: TV title)
  27. Endless Love (1981) .... Billy
OK, I did see A Few Good Men. But all I really remember from that is Jack Nicholson hamming it up like a mofo. (And what a shock that was--Nicholson usually never does that.)

So, Tom, since I'm clearly pretty much underwhelmed by your thespian talents, what do you suppose are the odds that I'd be willing to take your medical advice? Or your opinions on theological matters?

Those are rhetorical questions, Tom. And since I've barely heard of you, despite all those movies I haven't seen, I see no reason to believe that you've heard of me. So I'll answer the question: the odds are a hell of a lot slimmer than I am.

But here's what's cool. Apparently, I have--unbeknownst to me--been boycotting you since before you went crazy. I was boycotting Tom Cruise before you went Tom Cruise™. I'm sort of like the guy in the Moliere play who discovered he'd been speaking prose all his life. I mean, I always thought that I just didn't like big-ass loud blockbuster movies. Or that I wasn't a gay male. I didn't realize I was really onto something--but I guess somehow I figured out way early on that you needed to be shunned.

It's been lonely out here in the pop culture vanguard. But I have a feeling a few other people are going to be joining me very soon.



  1. Looking at your list, I've only seen seven of Scientist Tom's movies. I started about five more but bailed because they annoyed me so.

    After Top Gun, he lost it for me.

  2. PS Tom's a Democrat, I am quite pleased to report.


Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.