Thursday, March 16, 2006

Smells Like Teen Spirit

I'm getting way too many indications that despite my many admonitions to cut it the hell out, my children, a/k/a Those Giraffes I Spawned, are growing up, up, up.

(For the record, screaming "Stop. Growing. NOW!" has proven to be completely ineffectual.)

1. Cuddling with my son last night, my nostrils found themselves flaring in distaste. "What the hell is that stench?" I wondered to myself. "Did I forget to put on my Lady Speed Stick this morning?" I did a quick pit sniff, but I was OK. "Crap," I thought, "It's him." So I had to teach him all about washing every day and putting on pit stop.

2. My daughter, who is even younger, but in some ways more developed, has been using pit stop for about six months.

3. My son is singing a solo in a school play. They had a rehearsal today. As we left school this afternoon, about six girls went up to him to tell him how well he sang. (I rushed him out of there before they started screaming and throwing their training bras at him.)

4. Then we went to buy new shoes. He's wearing a size 8. He's in fifth grade and his feet are two sizes bigger than mine. In fact, I think they might be as big as his father's.

I've given the matter a lot of thought, and I've decided the time for action has arrived. So I'm sending away to the Acme Anvil company for a couple of anvils. I figure I'll tie them to the children's heads and make them walk around like that every day, for say, an hour or so. It will be good for their posture, and more important, it will teach them to grow. Ha! But this is not harsh of me. After all, they both had palette expanders installed a couple of weeks ago, and every night I have to take a little wrench and crank this thing in their mouth one turn. So if installing metallic upper jaw devices is OK and has the blessing of the American Orthodontic Association (even though I bet my children will end up with huge honking upper jaws like the Simpsons) then it's OK to acquire growth inhibitors from the same company that supplied Wile. E. Coyote with his equipment. So there.


  1. we are going to bonsai Youngest.

  2. Let me know if that anvil thing works. We just went shoe shopping last week, and the boy's feet are only one size smaller than mine. And my feet are HUGE. Like my ... ass.

  3. Try unteaching a stepchild that bathing daily is not optional and every other day is not good enough and when we buy the pit stop we mean for it to be used ... ugh ... The anvil doesn't work. My oldest daughter is 18 and stands 6'0". Who knew breastmilk was miracle grow?

  4. I have been threatening to put a brick on my kid's head since he was little. Clearly just threatening it doesn't work. Let me know how the anvil thing goes.

    And if you can get your kid to faithfully apply deodorant I will pay you for the secret method. I'm thinking we will have to wait until some girl tells him he smells.

  5. Perhaps I should anvil my niece. It's all for the best. At least that's what you're supposed to say, right?

  6. Ah, but if they were allowed to get REALLY tall, then their axillary region would be well beyond your nose. Such an arrangement is desirable if one has fetid offspring.


  7. Just start giving them coffee! Isn't it supposed to stunt growth? Of course, I've been drinking coffee since I was a squirt and I'm still almost 6' tall and I'm a GIRL so this may be an old wives tale. I say go with the coffee/anvil double whammy, just in case


Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.