Sunday, May 21, 2006

Get to know me!

Swiped from Badger and Joke.

1. What's in the glove box of your car? I don't know.

2. Favorite classes in college (or high school): High school: English. I was so fluent, it was unfair to the other students. College: Any music history course taught by Peter Bloom. He was a positively effervescent combination of scholarship and wit.

3. Shampoo brand: Currently Kerastase Color Reflecting crappe in a hot pink bottle. It is extremely expensive and hard to find, so I find myself making do with a squirt of my daughter's L'Oreal Kids Cherry Kiwi Ripple Delight.

4. Favorite piece of furniture you own: My bed. It's a king-size Stearns and Foster pillow-top mattress and boxspring with a red and white toile upholstered headboard, and a matching toile duvet cover and dust ruffle. I also have a red and white quilt to break up the toile monotony. Sheets are white 100 percent cotton with a thread count as high as the Dow Jones Industrial Average. Pillows are goose down. I sink into bed at the end of the day and say "Bed ... good." And mean every word of it.

5. Idea of a really good first date: Dinner with someone who can keep up with me conversationally and laughs at my jokes.

6. Favorite fruit: The lowly orange.

7. Pick a passage from a favorite book: From J. P. Donleavy's The Unexpurgated Code: A Complete Manual of Survival & Manners

Upon Being Not to the Manner Born

When this unpleasant remark is made about you, stand up, making sure your flies are closed and announce in a firm voice,

"To hell with that shit."

You may add, with a hint of hurt modesty flavouring the voice.

"I was born, wasn't I, and that's enough for me."

Of course your opponent's high pitched riposte will be.

"But sir, that is not enough for us."

Sit down and think. A valuable antique chair helps. Cross your legs and pull up your socks. Right away if your socks are white or otherwise bright you are in trouble unless you happen to be in yachting or tennis gear. In these latter equipages you can assume you are not entirely without hope.
Examine your background. If you really stare it straight in the status it's surprising the amount of dignity which can be salvaged from the unvarnished truth. Even from the unmitigated wrong side of the tracks or floor of the apartment building, there's bound to be something that will entitle you to make an effective reply to the lousy remark above. This is why everybody should research around a little in his lineage. Back far enough or out to the side, someone must have been something once.
For orphans who do not know who their parents were, this is sad but by no means socially fatal, and affords you a fresh start. If you have received a Red Cross Life Saving Certificate, riposte pronto with this information. After that first few ha ha ha's, your temporarily superior opponent will cringe at your hopeless effort to give an accounting of yourself. And you will really feel rotten. Your crestfallen demeanour, however, will make them clear off. They will not be inviting you to their parties. But you are left with a marvelous incitement to social climb.

8. What would you eat for dinner if it were your last night on earth? Somehow--and I know this will shock people who have seen me put on the foodbag--I think I'd have lost my appetite.

9. Free Will or Destiny: Free Will.

10. What would you sing at karaoke? "The Man I Love." I would be besieged by stage-door Johnnies bearing lavish bouquets and small velvet boxes of sparkly goodness. And then they would all go away crushed upon discovering that I'm already married to him.

11. Sweater or Sweatshirt? I'm bi. Sweaters for dressier occasions, sweatshirts for working out.

12. Paris, NYC, Tokyo, or Rio de Janeiro? Paris. I feel leery about going anywhere where I can't communicate effectively with the natives.

13. What do you wear to bed usually? Until I had children, I slept in the nude. Now I wear extremely unprovocative pjs.

14. If you dyed your hair, what color would you dye it? I used to dye it brown. Now someone else does.

15. If you went back to school, what would you study? Theology. (But really. Are you kidding me? Go back to school? I just escaped!)

16. Gum or mints? Gum. Sugarless. Eclipse Peppermint when I can find it, except it's crack and all the other junkies manage to get there first. And mostly when I'm driving. Never in front of anyone else.

17. Recurring nightmares? I used to dream that I was Little Red Riding Hood and was being eaten by two wolves. (Alas, it was not prophetic.)

18. Age & location of first kiss? I was in seventh or eighth grade, and it was on the dance floor at one of the horrifying dances I used to have to go to.

19. Describe your favorite pair of shoes: They are Casadei pony skin leopard print stilettos. Even at 60 percent off, they were obscenely expensive. They gave me a pain across the metatarsals and I have never worn them. Once in a while I take them out of their box and gloat over them. They are so perfect, I may never wear them. How could I bear to alter their pure ethereal?

20. What movie/TV character do you feel like you relate to most? I am a housewife with dreams of becoming a cabaret star. Therefore, Lucy Ricardo.

21. First CD purchase: I can't remember. The first record I bought was some Nonsuch early music thing.

22. First concert: The Rolling Stones.

23. Do you like camping? That depends. Can I bring my bed?

24. If you were doomed to be mauled to death by an animal, what animal would you prefer that to be? A tiger. Or maybe a leopard, in honor of my shoes. To tell the truth, I'd prefer not to be mauled. But I like the big cats, so I suppose I might as well give one of them a thrill. And a square meal.

25. Do you/would you own a gun? No. But I'm a late adapter. When 85 percent of my peers owns one, I'll probably get one. Grumbling.

26. What religion would you like to know more about: My own (Anglicanism.) Then Roman Catholicism. And Judaism. When I exhaust them (ha!) I'll branch out. It's lucky I believe in an after-life. That will give me the opportunity to finish my studies.

27. Favorite food as a kid: Melted Jell-O. I'd put a teaspoon of Jell-O over a candle whenever my mother went into the kitchen.

28. How many languages do you speak? Two. English and French. With French I do a lot more listening than talking. To the great relief of the French.

29. If you were a natural disaster, would you be a tornado, hurricane, or earthquake? Can I be a hailstorm? As in, I come on suddenly, throw things around, then go away?

30. If you could make one state in the US just go away, which state would that be? Indiana. Like short people, it has no reason to live.

31. How many prescriptions do you take? One; two when I'm in the mood.

32. Lake or Ocean? I'm bi. Lakes for dressier occasions; oceans for working out.

33. What is the worst lie you've ever told to get out of work, (and don't say you've never lied to get out of work, because that my friend is a lie and you know it)? I've been unemployed for so long, I can't remember. But ask me what was the worst lie I told to get out of a social obligation, and I could come up with something right away.

34. Do you carry a backpack, a satchel or "man bag", tote bag, brief case, or a backpack on wheels? I carry a "pocketbook," except when I'm carrying a "shoulder bag."

35. Have you ever been arrested/cited for anything other than traffic violations? No. Cops are stupid, man.

36. Would you ever consider spending some time at a nudist colony? Not unless it comes with the tree of knowledge.

39. Best thing you can cook? I'm a good cook. But I'm not a foodie. Omelets, apple pie, turkey with stuffing and gravy--normal stuff.

40. If you were going to donate 1000 dollars to a charity, what would that be? The Friends of Badger's Book Collection.


  1. I love your hair dye answer!

  2. I myself enjoy cooking a good meatloaf.
    I enjoyed your passage as well.

  3. Hailstorms are kind of nice.


Gentle Readers:

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xxx, Poppy.