Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Why I am an Asshole

1. Today I agreed to travel to the local tennis center to buy tickets for a friend who is out of town. (OK, that's not the part that's assholy.) While there I ran into a friend's husband. He whispered "Hello, Poppy" really softly, so I asked him if he had laryngitis.

Friend: No, I'm doing this for the tennis players.
Poppy: Oh, fuck them--it's not like they're playing golf.


Friend: Where's Mr. Poppy?
Poppy: He's at work. Why aren't you?

2. Then I dropped by the post office to mail a few letters. There was a card table with a lot of crude hand-drawn posters--something about impeaching Cheney--and stacks of literature that someone obviously wanted me to pick up.

Political Dude: Do you like my poster?
Poppy: It's OK. But I never heard of this "Larouche" person, so your organization isn't marketing itself very well.
Political Dude: He's ...
Poppy: That doesn't mean I want you to tell me.

3. Then I headed to the local grocery store. I wanted to buy some hamburger meat. Extra lean. I went and stood next to the meat counter where a white-haired woman picked up package after package of extra lean ground beef. And then put them down again. I didn't know whether she was trying to pick the package that was heaviest, lightest, oldest or youngest. It seemed random. I wait while she shuffled packages around. But not for long.

Poppy [reaching around the woman and grabbing a package of ground beef] Here, let me show you how it's done.


  1. Okay, your second label answered my question.

  2. Poppy, dear, this is not *why* you're an asshole, this is *how* you're an asshole:-)

    Although it does seem mostly justified.

  3. But amusing in your assholiness--which makes all the difference. God save us from the boring and styleless asshole.

    Should this blog be renamed "The Opiate of the Asses"?

  4. OMG! I'm so glad I'm not alone in all this and that I'm not the only woman having asshole moments. Thanks for sharing.

  5. I would say you're my kind of asshole, but somehow that doesn't sound quite right... you are certainly quick-witted and entertaining in the best of ways!

    And nice job on adding the subtle color to the background!

  6. If you ever stop behaving like this, you're out of the will.


    P.S. And also, good luck affording the dowry.

  7. Okay, this is why we are internet friends.

  8. You sound like me on one of my GOOD days, lol. I had an episode like that in the grocery store once, only it was an old lady and packages of celery. "It's CELERY lady; have you EVER gotten a bad package of CELERY??"

  9. In the language of NASCAR, we call that "get her done".


Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.