Saturday, September 15, 2007

She drives them right round, baby, right round

Like a record baby, right round round round ...

And welcome to the weekend wrap-up report, where I fill you in on my first week as the world's only Homeless HousewifeTM.
A week ago the Russian army showed up at my house and ripped out the kitchen and a bathroom. Because this would leave our house uninhabitable, my family and I moved to Chicago. My job, therefore, is to drive the kids to Newtopia every morning and drop them off at school. Then I kill time in various ways until it's time to pick them up and bring them back to Chicago.

I drop by my house every day to pick up the mail, check messages, talk to the workmen, and pick up something that my husband or kids (or sometimes--gasp!--I) left behind.

This leaves me with about six more hours to kill.

I go to the gym pretty much every day. Sooner or later I'm going to get my ass into the pool and swim some laps, but mostly I'm spending an hour at a time on the treadmill. I listen to an audiobook while I plod towards nowhere, so the time goes by fairly painlessly. I eat lunch there, too.

If I need the internet, I can brave the workmen and go up into my study at my house, use the public library, or haul my laptop with me and go to a cafe with wireless access. This is too complicated, so I'm spending waaaay less time on the internet. It's just like I'm traveling! To Paris! Except I'm at home. Sort of.

I also do stuff like visit tile showrooms, toilet showrooms, and lighting stores that sell beautifully-restored antique chandeliers. This takes an amazing amount of time. And energy.

So Internet, I have a piece of advice for you. If you are easily overwhelmed by sensory stimuli--if you are the sort of person who has difficulty deciding what color to paint the living room walls, do not go to Home Expo--or any other big block store. Even the little tiny tile stores where the tiles are
artisanal and crafty and hand patted by blind Portuguese nuns--even those stores are out to get you. Yes, they are. Those cute little stores live to daze and confuse you. And the big stores want to saw off the top of your head, remove your brain, place it in a multi-layered DisneyWorld snow globe, and shake the shit out of it.

Poppy's brain

Poppy's brain on Home Renovations

Accordingly, much against my will, I'm going to become an amateur interior decorator. Unpaid interior decorating will join my other unpaid hobbies, such as singing in a church choir, blogging, having children, and driving them to school.

In each and every case, you get what you pay for, so don't come whining to me if my choir, blog, children, driving, and renovated bathrooms suck. out. loud.

I'm just sayin'.


  1. I can't handle all those interior decorating decisions. So I just copy a neighbor's house.

  2. For someone so smart, you have beaucoups de temps on your hands. Really, aren't you bored out of your skull?

  3. And what's our timeframe? Three to six?

  4. Just be glad you're not actually LIVING in the chaos and trying to cook without a kitchen. I've been there and it sux.

    Oh well, just think about how wonderful the new kitchen will be when it's done.

    Hang in there.

  5. SuburbanC: Excellent idea. Mind if I copy it?

    Anonymous: That was pretty much the point of my post, so I can only conclude that not only do I have too much time on my hands, I'm also a shitty writer. Oh, and "beaucoup" doesn't have an "s."

    BB: Time frame? For a completion date? If so, I have no effing idea. I haven't even ordered the new bathroom fixtures and tile ... so it would be at some point after that's accomplished.

    Jennifer: Oh, agreed. I've done the hotplate thing before, and it does indeed suck like Hugh Grant's dream date.

  6. Hugh Grant's dream date... [snicker]

    At least all th driving and the boredom hasn't robbed you of your impeccable sense of humor.


Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.