Rule Number 1: Whine a lot
It's almost midnight. I'm in my workout clothes, but I never worked out today.
Rule Number 2: Make yourself sound like a complete loser
And I never took a shower.
Rule Number 3: Ask rhetorical questions
Am I suffering from debilitating depression? No.
Rule Number 4: Throw in some self-deprecating humor
This morning at 9:00 I was eating breakfast and getting ready to work out by stoking myself with massive amounts of caffeine.
Rule Number 5: Throw in some local color
The doorbell rang. There was a young man on the front step. I figured he was some high school kid looking to park in my driveway (this happens a lot at the beginning of the school year.)
Rule Number 6: Remind everyone what a loser you are
Turns out it was the roof cleaning guy. Apparently the company I'd made a few desultory inquiries from had actually gone ahead and scheduled our cleaning job. I was planning on calling them to come--I really was--it's on my to-do list---so I figured what the hell. Let them do it.
Rule Number 7: Make a big deal out of nothing much. Income taxes, hang nails, or power-washing your roof all make splendid blog fodder
Well. Do you know what happens when a couple of guys climb up onto your roof and start power-washing it? (Let me start by stating that in the 10 years we've lived in this house, we've never cleaned the gutters or done anything to the roof. It looked like a moss farm.)
First of all, the noise will drive you crazy.
Second, your front and back steps will be covered with a thick layer of composting dead leaves, sticks, and moss so you can't walk out the door unless you're wearing hip boots.
Third, they'll set up an extension ladder in the driveway, so you can't drive anywhere, either.
Rule Number 8: Be sure to include some political humor
Then they will interrupt you to ask whether you have a can of wasp spray because they found "the mother of all wasp nests under the eaves." I know what you're thinking--what nonsense! The mother of all wasp nests is in Minneapolis/St. Paul making fun of Barack Obama.
Rule Number 9: State the obvious
Well, I don't know about you, but that was a hell of a nine hours.
Rule Number 10: Say something to remind everyone of your puckish sense of humor
Of course, now everything is great. The mess is gone, the evil biting insects are dead, and my front steps are immaculate. Our roof looks like it had a spa day, with a wax job followed by a Mystic Tan.
Rule Number Lagniape
What this town needs is a mayor. Like Ray Nagin. And a national guard. I mean, seriously, today I suffered more than the average citizen of New Orleans. If I had had any clue that I was going to undergo a Category 3 powerwashing, I would have evacuated the premises. And I might even have gotten on T.V. After all, I was unshowered and daubed with mulch. I looked like a refugee from a hurricane.
Before you know it, those pesky high school kids? The ones who always want to park in my driveway? Would be passing Coke cans down the hall to raise funds to benefit ME.