Naturally, this isn't hard to do. Even though as every sentient person in the lower 48 now realizes, Rhode Island has more people in it than Alaska.
Here's something you might not know about Rhode Island: yes, it is indeed very, very small, but it still takes quite a while to drive anywhere.
This is because as we Yankees like to say, "You can't get theah from heah." You keep having to drive around water. You see, Rhode Island, like the earth, is 70 percent water. See?
That's the view from my in-laws' bedroom window. Well, the whole state looks a lot like that, so as far as a Rhode Island travelogue goes, I'm done.
But I took a lot of pictures INDOORS, because I'm a nerd, and that's where I think the action is.
So here is a tour of my in-laws' house.
I've been hanging out in their house for over twenty years, so I've seen the old family pictures get even older, and new ones take their place.
This is the refrigerator. Up at the top, in the middle, there's a picture of us at Christmas from at least 15 years ago. Can you imagine seeing the same photograph on the refrigerator for 15 years? If I weren't usually TOO DRUNK TO NOTICE, I'd get weirded out.
OK, here's That Stud Muffin I Married. This picture was from when he was about 17.
No, it's not your eyes. And it's not my picture-taking so-called "skills." The picture's a little hard to see because it's a coaster. That's his father and sister on either side of him.
There they are, a row of little circles, like portholes into the past, trapped under glass, frozen in time ... waiting to have someone come and put a glass of wine on them.
(And that, my friends, is what I call good writing.)
OK, less verbiage, more pictures! This is That Stud Muffin I Married and me at our wedding reception. We're being toasted by my father-in-law. Just so you know, these pictures are also little bit distorted because they, too, are trapped under glass on my father-in-law's dresser. So you can't really see what we looked like. Believe me, we weren't actually this young and attractive.
The other thing you'll find indoors when you're in Rhode Island (OK, I realize my in-law's house isn't the whole state, but in a state this small, it must surely be representative of what's there) is a lot of books.
With my next picture, I will now answer the question that I know has been troubling many of you.
Q. What are you supposed to DO with these REALLY HIGH VOLUME CEILINGS you so often find in new construction?
A. Stack your MOTHER HUMPING BOOKSHELVES UP, THAT'S WHAT.
This is four big square bookshelves stacked on top of each other with another bookshelf on top. Combined, they are well over nine feet high. My father-in-law is a tall guy, but I'm guessing he has no intention of ever accessing the books on top. They're probably complete junk. I wouldn't be surprised if they were Reader's Digest Condensed Books.
OK, that's a lie. I would be very surprised. But I said it anyway. Just my effervescent sense of the ridiculous bubbling up again.