Recent J. Crew hits and misses

So ... I ordered some stuff from J. Crew.

I haven't shopped at J. Crew in a while, although I usually flip through the monthly catalog. The thing is, the way they style their clothes is so relentlessly 20-something that it's a bit off-putting. And the web site is even worse, because the styling is just as odd, and the pictures are even smaller. With J. Crew, I really do best going to actual brick and mortar stores. They tend to have a logical layout, and the stuff on the dummies actually looks like something normal people would wear.

Which explains why some of this stuff is fine, and others ... meh or worse.

First of all, there's J. Crew's on-and-again relationship with Liberty of London. I must have opted out of J. Crew emails, because I never heard about a new launch of Liberty collabs for fall, and then, when I happened upon it, a lot of the stuff was sold out. See this print? I love it.

But there were no shirts left in my size. So when I saw this style was available in a 14, I jumped at it.

The thing is ... the fit is off.

Mind you, I've never cared for the popover style in the first place. I have a prejudice against styles that look like the result of trying to save money on fabric or labor. I've always thought the popover was J. Crew's way to save manufacturing costs, because labor costs would have to go down when you don't need to sew on as many buttons or bind as many buttonholes.

What I hadn't realized is that the popover is a sneaky way to scrimp on fabric, too. The size 14 popover fits nothing like a J. Crew size 14 Perfect Shirt or Boyfriend shirt. It's a bit shorter, is cut straight up and down with no darts or waist indentation, and uses less fabric through the torso. This makes it just snug enough to look both dowdy, because it's shapeless, and vulgar, because it clings unattractively.

If you are either an hourglass or an apple, this will probably end up being magically unflattering.

Back it goes.

The leopard print merino shell and matching cardigan were wins, however. The wool is thin, but not as ridiculous thin as the J. Crew "tissue-weight" cashmere, (which again, strikes me as a cost-savings device disguised as a feature. "Who needs those old-fashioned heavy, warm, substantial, luxurious cashmere sweaters! Buy our tissue-weight in new modern colors with cool names like "pool" and "damson" and look really great until your sweater pills and then develops mysterious holes!")



The Drake's for J. Crew pink silk Perfect Shirt is nice--although the tigers ended up upside down across my chest, and for the money, I think I'm entitled to tigers that are right side up. The pink veers slightly towards a dusty orchid shade, and the orange beasts are a soft coral, so it's not quite as splashy in-your-face as you'd think. The silk is OK quality--not great, but good, and the fit is good, with no unseemly gapping at the bust. The silk screening isn't as detailed as the pants I'm about to talk about, which is really too bad.

OK. These are these pants.

Collection Drake's for J. Crew pants in Midnight Unicorn

They too are silk, and the print is awesome--kind of a combination of a guy's hunting-themed tie and the unicorn tapestry at the Met. They seemed both festive and kind of quirky, but in a good way.

But the fit is bizarre. The 14 was a little loose in the waist, and there was a bit too much fabric in the thighs. Maybe with a slimmer leg, they would've worked. I don't know--the tailoring just seemed off.

Also, these pants have an obviously covered elastic waistband, which, if you're not doing a J. Crew half-tuck, means that you'd have to wear a belt--or risk looking like an outtake from People of Walmart. Which, no. Hidden elastic waistbands? Not for a pair of $200 pants.

And of course, I tried on the pants last. While I was still wearing the leopard print twinset. I can't even begin to describe the tolerant, amused, yet trying-incredibly-hard-not-to-laugh looks my husband and son had on their faces when I came downstairs to ask them what they thought.

Don't let the face (or feet) fool you

Years and years ago, when my mailbox was flooded with an incredible assortment of catalogs, I devised a rule of thumb. Literally. You see, some of the companies that mailed me catalogs were not my kind of stores. But I'd be unsure about some of their choices. So if I liked something even a little bit, I'd look at an outfit while blocking out the model's face with my thumb.

All of a sudden, an outfit would go from acceptable to grannywear.

The principle still holds true. Take, for example, this outfit from The Tog Shop.

Cover up the smiling face and masses of tastefully highlighted hair, and you have an outfit that my 93 year old mother would wear.

Or this outfit, from Appleseed's.

Subtract the chunky bracelet, the "edgy" black color, the glowing skin and wild curls of the model, and you have a polyester pant set straight out of a retirement community.

"But of course," you reply. "These are old lady catalogs, but they're not going to show the outfits on great-grandmothers."

Very true. But young and supposedly hip companies try the same trick, focusing instead on the other end of the anatomy. They disguise their impossibly ugly creations by styling them with the most fetching shoes in their arsenal.

Take this outfit from Banana Republic.

She can change positions as much as she wants. Aside from the shoes, that outfit is unbelievably basic. But roll the pant legs up, add an amazing pair of heels, and all of a sudden, people will be reaching for their credit cards.

Or this one, again from BR. Take away the silver sandals, and you have an outfit I'd wear to paint a picket fence, albeit like Tom Sawyer, where I supervise, and you do the painting. (I do like the bag, though.)

And J. Crew shan't escape my lash. How about these cropped, flared sailor pants?

Can you imagine the poor stylist in charge of the shoot? What could the thought process have been? I'm imagining something like this: If they make a model look like the broad side of a barn, what will they do to normal women? How can I sell them? I know! I'll show them with a pair of high-heeled sandals!

Luckily, some stores are frank about the ugliness of their clothing. As well as their shoes. They make no excuses; they take no prisoners. They rub your nose in their impossibly hideous and criminally expensive clothing choices.

Barney's, I bow to thee.

Recommendations: these are my latest

Reads 

I have more than one book going at any given time, the choice of what to read depending on whether I'm on the elliptical, driving, or sitting on a chaise longue dipping languidly into a box of French chocolates.

Serving suggestion.

Oh, and I've already talked about these. Definitely in the chaise longue class.

my latest e-book

Don't worry; I'm not taking it seriously. It's mostly a giggle.

See?

my latest audiobook

If you like, you can listen to a sample.

my latest book to page idly through while sitting on a chaise longue

Hmm. Maybe this clashes with the chocolates.

TV fashion role models

Lucy Liu as Joan Watson in Elementary

Emily Bett Rickards as Felicity Smoak in Arrow

Kidding. I've never actually watched Downton Abbey.

Want to stalk Joan's wardrobe? Or maybe Cookie's from Empire? Have you discovered Worn On TV?

Instagram follows

h_e_r_s_t_o_r_y    Lots of gay men in my feed. This is mostly lesbians, because equal time, yo.

hostessofthehumblebungalow   You've read the blog, but have you gazed at her pictures?

YouTube subscriptions

KimberlyClark

My favorite drag queen beauty guru. OK, my only DQBG. I've already raved about her, but she is really smart about gender and consumerism and other things more vacuous beauty gurus don't talk about.

Last night, I heard her use the word "acumen." True story.

And Kimberly turned me on to

notyourtypicaldollface

So smart. So pretty. I am in awe of her cats' eye glasses.

Movies

The Assassin, 2015. This will be Sunday afternoon at Doc Films in Chicago. Want to come?

Please tell me you've already seen Brooklyn.

Podcasts

Before anyone gets too excited at the sheer amounts of trendiness in this post, I should confess that I listen to podcasts to help me fall asleep.  

The Snailcast (a podcast about Korean skin care by four talented K-beauty bloggers.)

Vital Social Issues and Stuff My friend Jasmine and her friend Joy keep me up-to-date. For example, their 2015 wrap-up. Who remembered all those scandals from way back in March? So helpful.

 

Shoes

These J. Crew Factory d'Orsay flats are actually comfortable and not too pointy.

Also, no tacky toe cleavage! #winning

J. Crew factory new arrivals + coupon code = feeding frenzy

Yes, I'm on a low-buy. This is a well-established fact. I'm not supposed to be buying anything.

I blame J Crew Aficianada, who hangs out over there on the right with the rest of the beauty/style/fashion/perfume blogs I like to read.

The thing is, we're about to head to Florida for our annual weekend in Palm Beach. We'll be staying in a boutique hotel

just two blocks from Worth Avenue.

While there, we'll be meeting friends for dinner at Renato's

and Ta-Boo

and attending two extremely preppy parties at undisclosed locations.*

I will even be attending a polo game. Hats will be worn.

And apparently, martini glasses full of dessert will be harvested from trees

Resort wear is called for. Obviously.

And OK, I have a closet full of a few Lilly dresses. Some them even fit. But I've been packing the same clothes for this trip for a few years now. I thought a refresher was in order. So when I saw that there was a coupon code for 20 percent off, I headed to the J Crew Factory store.

The first thing I wanted to buy was a new white tunic.

Back in the days when I sang, I had a closet full of what might tactfully be described as "waiter wear." You know—black pants and white blouses. Well, one of these white blouses was a gorgeous Lafayette 148 white cotton tunic trimmed with clear sequins. I loved it. I still love it. But I can't find it. So to punish myself for being careless and/or air-headed, I thought I'd buy a less expensive replacement.

Factory Pom-Pom tunic $52.50

I found this in the lounge wear section because it is considered a swimsuit cover-up ... let's hope it's not so sheer that people can count the hooks on my bra.**

I can wear this (if it's not too sheer) over these attractive, yet slightly short pants:

Factory Skimmer Pant in Timeless Turquoise, $51.50

or these ones, which were even cheaper:

Skimmer pant in cotton oxford, Bungalow Blue, $33.99

And even though my record with J. Crew shoes is spotty, I took a risk and bought some flats

Factory Classic D'Orsay flats in Floral Denim, $86.00

because sometimes, I'm not in the mood for sandals. (Because sometimes, I'm not in the mood to worry about getting an em-effing pedicure. You know what I'm saying?)***

Finally, dresses.

My favorite thing in the world is a solid color dress that I can accessorize into an em-effing pulp. Again, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? And I have an embarrassing number of scarves that would probably go great with this shade of lilac.

Also, I'm intrigued by the fact that it's 100 percent wool. I'm expecting—nay, hoping—that this wool will be tissue thin and therefore something I can wear when it gets much warmer than the current -17 degrees C./0 degrees F. we're experiencing in Chicago.

Tailored Shift Dress in Cool Lilac Light-Weight Wool, $89.50

Pretty, right? And I love the neckline.

But to be honest, I'm not sanguine about this dress. I love the color, but I'm concerned about the sleeve holes. Notice how the neckline angles in? That could mean visible bra straps—or worse.

You ask incredulously, "What's worse than visible bra straps, Poppy?" Well, I find that a lot of sleeveless dresses are cut with enormous arm holes that have a tendency to show way too much of the upper, outer quadrant of my brassière. You know, where the cool kids are flashing their side boob.

Of course, because it's wool, this dress might not work at all for Florida, in which case it would work during what passes for spring in Chicago. When it would be accessorized with a cardigan, thus taking care of that pesky bra strap situation.

Finally, I bought this. Which is polyester and might look even cheaper than it appears through the rose-tinted glasses of my computer screen. But at least will not show my bra.

Laser-Cut Cap-Sleeve Dress in Timeless Turquoise, $94.50

Honestly, having written out my so-called "line of reasoning," I'm practically already on the way to the post office to return this stuff. Except it hasn't arrived yet.


* This is what extremely polite and grateful people say instead of naming the private clubs that for some reason, people who should know better are allowing them the opportunity to enjoy for one brief shining dinner-dance and/or brunch. 

** Don't worry; my Lingerie Battle Station is equipped with camisoles in white, nude, and black. Some of them even contain a hell of a lot of spandex, capable of shoving my muffin top down to my kneecaps.  I hope.

*** My friend Angie introduced me to Trailer Park Boys. This explains why I'm talking like J-Roc. So now, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

My emailbox is out to get me.

Is everyone else going insane from all the sales notices in their emailboxes? Or is it just me?

Between the sales notices and the cookies on my laptop (that appear to keep all of my selections permanently in every shopping cart I ever use on line), I've stumbled across some nice markdowns this weekend. I'm putting these up here in case anyone has something on their list that they'd like to order tonight.  Which, OK, is the next ten minutes. Anyway, this is where I was shopping.

J. Crew 

 

J. Crew's Bling Button cardigan, marked down from $72 to $59 to $41

I thought I'd missed out on a great J. Crew deal, because they were offering 25 percent off for Black Friday. At that point, I loaded up my shopping cart with some cute cardigans for my daughter, and then forgot to pull the trigger. Well, I went back to the site to discover that this weekend's sale--using the WINTER coupon code--was even better, with 30 percent off.

At the moment, it's back down to 25 percent off and free shipping.

Honestly, trying to keep up with on line deals is like telling time by looking at the second hand of a clock.

All I know is I got myself some button downs and my daughter the Bling Button cardigan for $41, marked down from $72.

Carson Pirie Scott

Carson's is offering 25 percent off everything in the store, and 10 percent off Beauty and Fragrance, with code FRIFAMNOV12. If you're interested in the Estee Lauder seasonal blockbuster or the Michael Kors/Estee Lauder collaboration, this is a good way to get it. 

This set features a cosmetics bag from Michael Kors, a compact blush with 3 shades of Pure Color Blush, a Pure Color Lipstick, a Pure Color Lipgloss, a Sumptuous Mascara, Intense Kajal Eyeliner and Pure Color Nail Color.

The Michael Kors set is available in three different colors, but each color is offered only by certain stores. Check out this post by GWP Addict for details.

Also, costume jewelry is on sale, which meant that I could pick out a cute Betsey Johnson necklace for my daughter.

Bloomingdale's 

OK, this is when it really got crazy. There was a combination of

• Free shipping on all on-line sales
• Loyalists receive double points
• Buy more/save more (10 to 30 percent off Women's, Men's, Home, Fashion Jewelry)
• Some kind of code they emailed me (X40936A7VCRK) for $25 off a purchase of $100 or more.

So I bought a bunch of clothes for my son--and a little wine cellar for Mr. Buxom--but you don't want to hear about them. I also picked up the Estee Lauder Blockbuster, because Santa likes to add these little goodies to the stockings she stuffs.

Estee Lauder's holiday blockbuster--better pictures and description available on Chic Profile.

Honestly, all I know is that it seems impossible to keep track of all these deals. It's worse than airline frequent flyer programs. All I know is that if I ever pay full retail for anything ever again, you can give me a good hard, internet spanking.

Merry Christmas shopping to all, and to all a good night!
 

Shopping for boots when your calves aren't a standard size ... and how I found a pair

I don't know why, but I've never been that crazy about boots. This seems odd, because I tend to be completely nuts about anything ridiculously expensive, and the average pair of boots is ridiculously more expensive than the average pair of shoes. I can't really explain how I overlooked this opportunity to blow wads of cash. It might be because I have muscular legs, and once I put on a few too many pounds, most boots refuse to zip over my calves.

Anyway, a few days ago, J. Crew was offering 25 percent off everything on their site. I decided to forgive J. Crew's stylists for the insane combinations of crap they put together for their catalogs and actually buy something. Maybe.

So I asked whether anyone out there on the internet had anything to tell me about J. Crew's wide calf boots. And answer came there none, except an inquiry from blackbird, who, like my friend Joke, likes to remind me from time to time that I am not actually deformed and should perhaps not abandon hope of fitting into something in a normal size. (Joke is usually referring to The Balcony, but the point stands.)

So then the J. Crew sale was over, and I was ready to abandon hope all over again.

But then I got an email offering me some great savings at ShopBop, a site I'm usually not even aware of. But they had these Stuart Weitzman boots.

Stuart Weitzman is a brand that sort of flies under the radar. The shoes are very high quality, and they do narrow and wide widths. I've had good luck with Stuart Weitzman shoes in the past. The last seems to suit my foot, even when I buy the normal- rather than the wide-width styles.

I'd heard that Stuart Weitzman's 5050 boots (the shaft is half leather, half elastic) had a lot of fans. The Arlington boot also has some elastic in the back. Not as much as the 5050, but enough, I hoped, to get around my calves.

So I ordered them, and they showed up today. I got my normal size, a 9M, and they're wide enough across the metatarsal. And the calf fits perfectly. And the black elastic is is NOT HIDEOUS, I swear.

Stuart Weitzman "Arlington" knee boot

I'd show you the boots on, except as soon as I tried them on, I fell madly in love, and now it's too dark to get a decent picture of them. But imagine me sitting with my legs straight out, crossed at the ankle. From time to time I move my toes or flex my feet and hear that lovely creaking sound that new leather makes.

The back view, showing the elastic

So if you have difficulty wearing knee-high boots, whether your calves are too narrow or too wide, I'd suggest you check out boots like this.

I also suggest you shop at Zappos. I say this because Zappos includes a lot of helpful information about the boots they sell, including the shaft height and circumference. And there are helpful reviews--in the case of really popular styles, like Stuart Weitzman's 5050 boot, 72 of them. 

Also, quite a few of the Stuart Weitzman boots are currently on sale.

What I Wore Today

I had an appointment at my hair salon first thing this morning, and 10 minutes before I was due to leave, I was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I couldn't find any jeans, so I grabbed a pair of black knit Tory Burch pants that I bought recently.

I wanted to wear a black t-shirt because Lord knows I don't want to anyone to get hair dye on a white shirt.

Then I realized that I was wearing all black, right down to the motorcycle boots and black jacket.

To avoid looking like Brando in The Wild One, I wanted to add something colorful like, say, my violet colored Tory Burch Simone cardigan.

But then I thought it would look stupid because everything else I was wearing was black.  So I added my trusty J. Crew statement necklace, to bring in some plummy tones.

Usually, when I add a color to an outfit, I use the rule of three. One item in a color looks random (on me; it looks great on you! I swear!) Two looks contrived. Odd numbers are better. Three is best.

But then, as I got ready to go outside, topping everything with my black leather jacket but adding mulberry colored wrist worms and my purple Prada purse, I realized I had gone beyond the Rule of Three to full-on Moby Grape.

Once I got outside, though, I realized that it wasn't my fault. It was nature.

 We just happened to share a color scheme today.