What's my lines?

OK, here's another quiz-type thing stolen from Aurorealis.

I know this is lame. But see, I have nothing of interest to report because I spent the day in my back yard digging up plants I don't like--plants that, too tell the truth, I haven't liked for the seven years I've lived in this house. So there was a lot of hate at work there. As in "stupid phlox!" and "stupid daylilies!" and even "stupid forsythia!" (If you're not a gardener I'll point out this last bespeaks a very high level of hostility. Because when you start uprooting shrubs, can trees be far behind?)

Also, uprooting plants and stuffing big brown bags with yard waste is hard work. So for today's entry, I'm taking the easy way out.

Here's the deal: You're supposed to pick five of the following professions and then finish the sentence pertaining to each profession. Then pass it on to three other bloggers.

Ready to play?


If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a backup dancer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a midget stripper...
If I could be a proctologist...
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be a judge...
If I could be a Jedi...
If I could be a mob boss...
If I could be a personal trainer...
If I could be a professional race car driver...
If I could be a stand-up comedian...
If I could be an artist...

Okay, my choices.....

1. If I could be a librarian ...

I would make sure the library was stocked only with books I wanted to read, CDs I wanted to listen to, and DVDs I wanted to watch. Oh, and of course, high-speed wireless internet access. This would alienate 99 percent of the library's patrons, so I could sit around on my ass all day reading, listening to CDs, watching DVDs, and wasting time on the internet. The difference being that I would be getting paid to do it.

2. If I could be a farmer ...

I'd grow acres and acres of those super-expensive, rare, heirloom, and/or organic baby vegetables that foodies like Joke like. Plus outrageous amounts of herbs. I'd get so rich that I could indulge all of my over-the-top gardening fantasies. (Potager? Mais oui! Espaliered pear trees? Absolument! Hives of honey bees? Sweet! Somebody else to rip out the stupid forsythia? Priceless.)

3. If I could be a chat-show host ...

I'd book really, really boring guests. Being bored inspires me to new levels of wackiness, and generally speaking, people tend to enjoy it when that happens. This would be a great way to find out whether millions of total strangers find this sort of thing as amusing as my husband does. I mean, the sight of me ostensibly interviewing Alan Greenspan--but when the camera was on Greenspan, putting pencils up my nose and making walrus faces--might not provide the rest of you with big yuks, but the guy I married would pee in his pants.

4. If I could be a mob boss ...

I'd have my goons go after my first boyfriend for being a lousy lay. I'm trying to avoid too much information here, so suffice it to say that the earth did not move. Not once. Even though it was provided with the opportunity to do so many, many times over the two years I went out with this cretin. Well. Due to some drunken snooping in someone else's copy of the Social Register, I now know where the cretin lives and what he does for a living. He's an emergency room physician in Charlottesville VA. So my goons would descend on Dr. Cretin and slap him around a little. Mind you, nothing too violent, just a few bruises and abrasions. As they would prepare to leave, the biggest, meanest-looking goon would give Dr. Cretin a level stare that would let him know that next time they wouldn't go so easy on him. And then one of them would tell him "Physician, heal thyself!"

5. If I could be a back-up dancer ...

I'd be an Ikette. Because it was watching Ike and Tina Turner on television that made me realize the way race works. I realized that through no fault of my own, my one big dream in life would be denied me. I would never be an Ikette, because I was too white. Well, in a perfect world, where we get to be what we want to be when we grow up, some other little girl can grow up to become a forsythia-uprooting blogging housewife who will clearly doing anything to make people laugh.

And I'll be an Ikette.

So Badger, Joke, and ... Blackbird ... you're next.

--P.