Five ways I am fascinating

Time for a Pap smear
Originally uploaded by Trilby.

This is The Interactive Internet Question Game. I got it from Jasmine.

This is how it's played:

1. If you want to play, leave a comment below saying so.
2. I'll post five unique questions to the comments section of this post.
3. You answer them in your blog.
4. In your post, you include this explanation and an offer to interview others.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Isn't it cosmic? It will go on and on and on, just like that shampoo commercial.

Here are the questions that Jasmine asked me.

1. If you had to be a character in a "classic" American film, who would that be and why? Please feel free to define "classic", "American", and "film" as you prefer.

What a great question for me. You know, my dissertation is about film, so I could really show off here. But I'll spare you.

I'd be Wayne Campbell from Wayne's World. And really, who wouldn't? Think of the advantages. First of all, I'd be hilarious. I'd have a loyal sidekick who would laugh at all my jokes. On top of that, every day could be a bad hair day, because I'd be wearing a baseball cap all the time. In fact, I could dress like a slob. And I'd get to mock Rob Lowe.

I'd probably miss shagging my husband, but I'd get to sleep with Tia Carrera, which is some compensation. And best of all, if I didn't like the way anything turned out, I could change the ending. Who wouldn't love being able to change endings--especially if you could do the Scooby Doo ending?

2. Is it better to have loved and lost, or to have never loved at all?

Now see, I think this is a rhetorical question, because the latter is pretty much impossible, unless you're a R2D2 or Mr. Spock or Data. Sure, we all feel superior to the basement boys who surf the internet until 3:00 in the morning, never get laid, and eat take-out pizza every night. But they probably have warm, loving hearts, just like everyone else. It's just that they're in love with Laura Croft. And not as played by Angelina Jolie in the movie--I'm talking about the actual computer-animated video game babe. But it's still love.


3. I have a friend whose birthday is September 11th. After 2001, she chooses to observe her birthday on September 12th instead. If you were her, would you have done the same?

It just goes to show you how out of it I am that I actually had to think about that for a minute, trying to figure out why a September 11th birthday would be a problem. I really have to get out of the basement more often.

So now that I figured it out, duh, I heartily concur with your friend's decision to change birthdays. I gave my husband a surprise birthday party one year. His actual birthday is December 19th, and there was no way my party was going to be able to compete with all the Christmas hoopla. So we had the party in November. He says he actually would prefer to keep it that way; he likes the lack of competition.

I would advise your friend to add a month. Make it October 11th. First of all, all of a sudden, she's a month younger. How cool is that? Also, once in a while her October birthday will coincide with Columbus Day, so maybe she'll get a three-day weekend out of the deal.


4. You can stop people from having overly loud conversations on CTA if you wear iced out gold teeth like the ones found on hiphopdentistry.com. Only for a day, though. But did I mention that the day in question is also the day you go to the White House to meet with the President? Would ya do it?

I would totally do it, and I don't even ride the CTA. But I hate the currently reigning President so much that it would be worth it. Actually, the hiphop teeth are OK, but what I'd really like is dental work like Jaws in the old Bond movies. Then, with some luck, after I shake hands with the President, I could bite him somewhere important and maybe even hormonal. Or maybe just take a chunk out of Laura Bush. Anything to wipe that stupid expression off her face. She looks like a demented chipmunk.

5. Which of the following is the greater evil: low-rider jeans or gigantic acrylic nails that look like corn chips (see here for an example)? Please explain, and don't be afraid to use pictures and elaborate charts to illustrate your point.

My eyes! MY EYES!

The nails by a landslide. We all get sick of fashions, and low-rise jeans have certainly been around too damned long. They are responsible for a number of fashion sins, like visible thongs, "decorative" thong clips, and peekaboo lower back tattoos. As well as an epidemic of plumber's butt.

But there is hope. When jeans start to be designed with fake thongs showing, you know a trend is over.

But acrylic nails, as a fashion, apparently have the half-life of plutonium. When is it going to stop? These things have been around for almost 30 years. Enough with the air-brushing, ladies. Enough with the square tips. Enough with the way they currrrrrrrrrrllllllllllll. Or worse. You look like a Walgreen's cashier. Or a porn star. Or both.

And I don't even want to think about what lies beneath. Not the jeans--the nails. Don't try to get a job as a waitress, because there is no way you should be handling trays of food with those things.

I would also advise you to give up your dream of becoming a gynecologist.