Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Five ways I am fascinating


Time for a Pap smear
Originally uploaded by Trilby.
This is The Interactive Internet Question Game. I got it from Jasmine.

This is how it's played:

1. If you want to play, leave a comment below saying so.
2. I'll post five unique questions to the comments section of this post.
3. You answer them in your blog.
4. In your post, you include this explanation and an offer to interview others.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Isn't it cosmic? It will go on and on and on, just like that shampoo commercial.

Here are the questions that Jasmine asked me.

1. If you had to be a character in a "classic" American film, who would that be and why? Please feel free to define "classic", "American", and "film" as you prefer.

What a great question for me. You know, my dissertation is about film, so I could really show off here. But I'll spare you.

I'd be Wayne Campbell from Wayne's World. And really, who wouldn't? Think of the advantages. First of all, I'd be hilarious. I'd have a loyal sidekick who would laugh at all my jokes. On top of that, every day could be a bad hair day, because I'd be wearing a baseball cap all the time. In fact, I could dress like a slob. And I'd get to mock Rob Lowe.

I'd probably miss shagging my husband, but I'd get to sleep with Tia Carrera, which is some compensation. And best of all, if I didn't like the way anything turned out, I could change the ending. Who wouldn't love being able to change endings--especially if you could do the Scooby Doo ending?

2. Is it better to have loved and lost, or to have never loved at all?

Now see, I think this is a rhetorical question, because the latter is pretty much impossible, unless you're a R2D2 or Mr. Spock or Data. Sure, we all feel superior to the basement boys who surf the internet until 3:00 in the morning, never get laid, and eat take-out pizza every night. But they probably have warm, loving hearts, just like everyone else. It's just that they're in love with Laura Croft. And not as played by Angelina Jolie in the movie--I'm talking about the actual computer-animated video game babe. But it's still love.


3. I have a friend whose birthday is September 11th. After 2001, she chooses to observe her birthday on September 12th instead. If you were her, would you have done the same?

It just goes to show you how out of it I am that I actually had to think about that for a minute, trying to figure out why a September 11th birthday would be a problem. I really have to get out of the basement more often.

So now that I figured it out, duh, I heartily concur with your friend's decision to change birthdays. I gave my husband a surprise birthday party one year. His actual birthday is December 19th, and there was no way my party was going to be able to compete with all the Christmas hoopla. So we had the party in November. He says he actually would prefer to keep it that way; he likes the lack of competition.

I would advise your friend to add a month. Make it October 11th. First of all, all of a sudden, she's a month younger. How cool is that? Also, once in a while her October birthday will coincide with Columbus Day, so maybe she'll get a three-day weekend out of the deal.


4. You can stop people from having overly loud conversations on CTA if you wear iced out gold teeth like the ones found on hiphopdentistry.com. Only for a day, though. But did I mention that the day in question is also the day you go to the White House to meet with the President? Would ya do it?

I would totally do it, and I don't even ride the CTA. But I hate the currently reigning President so much that it would be worth it. Actually, the hiphop teeth are OK, but what I'd really like is dental work like Jaws in the old Bond movies. Then, with some luck, after I shake hands with the President, I could bite him somewhere important and maybe even hormonal. Or maybe just take a chunk out of Laura Bush. Anything to wipe that stupid expression off her face. She looks like a demented chipmunk.

5. Which of the following is the greater evil: low-rider jeans or gigantic acrylic nails that look like corn chips (see here for an example)? Please explain, and don't be afraid to use pictures and elaborate charts to illustrate your point.

My eyes! MY EYES!

The nails by a landslide. We all get sick of fashions, and low-rise jeans have certainly been around too damned long. They are responsible for a number of fashion sins, like visible thongs, "decorative" thong clips, and peekaboo lower back tattoos. As well as an epidemic of plumber's butt.

But there is hope. When jeans start to be designed with fake thongs showing, you know a trend is over.

But acrylic nails, as a fashion, apparently have the half-life of plutonium. When is it going to stop? These things have been around for almost 30 years. Enough with the air-brushing, ladies. Enough with the square tips. Enough with the way they currrrrrrrrrrllllllllllll. Or worse. You look like a Walgreen's cashier. Or a porn star. Or both.

And I don't even want to think about what lies beneath. Not the jeans--the nails. Don't try to get a job as a waitress, because there is no way you should be handling trays of food with those things.

I would also advise you to give up your dream of becoming a gynecologist.

13 comments:

  1. all right --- hit me.
    I'm not sure I get all the rules, but I've had a g&t, so, go ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  2. OK, Blackbird:

    1. You have been bequeathed $25,000, the catch being that you must spend the money on plastic surgery for a female celebrity. Whom would you have cut, and which procedure(s) would you chose?

    2. If you could take a cruise, where would you go?

    3. What was your totally-embarrassing-to-remember-now first celebrity crush?

    4. If you could go to college again, would you pick the same major? Why or why not?

    5. What's your favorite body part--on you or somebody else?

    --P.

    ReplyDelete
  3. answers in my post tomorrow morning...

    ReplyDelete
  4. 1. "No way!" "Way!" That's so excellent. I love Wayne! Sidenote: who would you want to be your Garth?

    2. Poor fanboys.

    3. Ya know, I might try making myself a month younger, though I can't think of any tragedies associated with March 30 -- unless you count Celine Dion's birthday as a natural disaster.

    4. So where would you bite him?!

    5. The nails, the acrylics -- ah! They make me crazy. They're so ugly and large and weird. Why do women keep getting them?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'll play. I think I got the hang of it.

    -J.

    ReplyDelete
  6. OK, Joke, here goes:

    1. You were standing in the wrong line when they were handing out body parts, so you got stuck with one of the following--which would make you the least unhappy?

    a. Peter Gallagher's eyebrows
    b. Donald Trump's hair
    c. Al Pacino's height
    d. Gerard Depardieu's nose

    2. A major star has had to cancel a last-minute performance and you have to fill in. Which star would you most prefer, and what kind of performance?

    3. What kind of "family car" could you drive without wanting to hurl?

    4. Which Gilligan's Island hottie did you like better, Mary Anne or Ginger, and why?

    5. If you had to move to a state above the Mason-Dixon line, which state would you chose?

    ReplyDelete
  7. hell.
    I've got like, a dozen participants over at my place, your questions totally rock and mine SUCK.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yeah, plus you're volunteering yourself for questions over on Joke's blog. When will this end?

    --P.

    p.s. Jasmine--I think my husband is the Garth to my Wayne. He's nerdy enough and he totally laughs at my jokes. And I'd definitely aim for Dubya's nuts.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't know, women who wear the acrylic nails have always sort of amused me, in a eeew Fu Manchu sort of way.

    I mean don't they ever rub their eyes? Obviously they don't wear contacts, but how do you even put on makeup with those things?

    Do their men find the nails attractive? Is it some sort of weird sexual thing, like bound feet used to be?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I can't help it...
    I wanted to see what Joke would ask someone and no one was volunteering.

    I simply cannot stay away from his blog.

    I'm stalking him.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hah! All the girls stalk Joke. He's like the internet sultan with a huge virtual harem.

    Mind you, I get to say this because I'm his #1 Internet Concubine. At least I think I am.

    --P.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Assuming the offer is still open, I'll play with the same caveat I gave Joke (I may not be around enough to respond until next week).

    ReplyDelete
  13. OK, Jujube:

    1. What is the single largest sum of money you have ever wasted?

    2. You are being sent to rehab. Was it for drug addiction, compulsive gambling, or alcoholism?

    3. Would you consider yourself over- or under-educated?

    4. Which current or former Saturday Night Live star(s) do you find the most shaggable? (You may pick multiple names, but only if you'd be doing them at the same time.)

    5. What is the farthest you've ever been from home?

    --P.

    ReplyDelete

Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.