I feel petty--oh so petty.

I hate going to the dentist more than just about anything.

The only thing I hate more than bringing myself to the dentist is bringing my children to the dentist. This really sucks because I spend the whole time anticipating some kind of disaster that will involve a lot of inconsolable sobbing--and maybe even my children crying a little bit.

Well, the other day I went ahead and brought them to the dentist, and while I was in the waiting room hiding from the old Highlights magazines, I read a newspaper article these oh-so-helpful dentist-type people had tacked up on the wall.

The author of the article claimed that people don't floss their teeth, but pretend they do. It said that hygienists see a lot of people who claim to be regular flossers, but in reality, are only occasional flossers in a "whoops, going to the dentist this week; better floss for a while" kind of way. One hygienist said she can tell when a person flosses regularly, because his or her gums will toughen up.

So basically, this article accused 95 percent of us of lying.

Really, the nerve of this goody-goody Waterpik-wielding Pollyanna. How dare she call me a liar? I'll thank her to keep a civil tongue in her head. A bit more time scraping off plaque and a bit less time mouthing off to reporters is what's called for here.

So I decided that between now and my next check up, I'm going to floss at least once every day. Even if I'm bombed out of my mind. Even if I fall asleep with my contacts in and my makeup on, I will brush and floss my teeth.

Then when the hygienist compliments me on my healthy gums and asks me whether I've been flossing, I'll lie like a rug and say "No, not at all."

That will just show her.

--P.