An open letter to Tom Cruise

Dear Tom,

You know all that posturing and opining we've been hearing about? One thing is clear from all of it; you think we care what you think. Well, why is that? Because you're smart? Well-educated? A well-known author? A Republican shill-for-hire pundit?

No, apparently we care what you think because you're a movie star.

Well, Tom, here's a list of films I haven't seen. Read it and weep:

1. War of the Worlds (2005) .... Ray Ferrier
2. Collateral (2004) .... Vincent
3. The Last Samurai (2003) .... Nathan Algren
   ... aka The Last Samurai: Bushidou (USA: poster title)
4. Minority Report (2002) .... Chief John Anderton
5. Vanilla Sky (2001) .... David Aames
6. Mission: Impossible II (2000) .... Ethan Hunt
   ... aka M:I-2 (USA: DVD box title (promotional abbreviation))
   ... aka Mission: Impossible II (Germany)
   
7. Magnolia (1999) .... Frank T.J. Mackey
   ... aka mag-no'li-a (USA: promotional title)
8. Eyes Wide Shut (1999) .... Dr. William 'Bill' Harford
   ... aka EWS (USA: promotional abbreviation)
9. Jerry Maguire (1996) .... Jerry Maguire
10. Mission: Impossible (1996) .... Ethan Hunt
    ... aka Mission Impossible
11. Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994) .... Lestat de Lioncourt
    ... aka Interview with the Vampire (USA: short title)
12. The Firm (1993) .... Mitch McDeere
13. Far and Away (1992) .... Joseph Donnelly
14. Days of Thunder (1990) .... Cole Trickle
    
15. Born on the Fourth of July (1989) .... Ron Kovic
16. Rain Man (1988) .... Charlie Babbitt
17. Young Guns (1988) (uncredited) .... Cowboy
18. Cocktail (1988) .... Brian Flanagan
19. The Color of Money (1986) .... Vincent
20. Top Gun (1986) .... Lt. Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell
21. Legend (1985) .... Jack
    ... aka Legend: Ultimate Edition (USA: reissue title (video title))
22. All the Right Moves (1983) .... Stef
    ... aka All Right
23. Risky Business (1983) .... Joel Goodsen
24. Losin' It (1983) .... Woody
25. The Outsiders (1983) .... Steve Randle
26. Taps (1981) .... David Shawn
    ... aka The Siege at Bunker Hill: T.A.P.S (UK: TV title)
27. Endless Love (1981) .... Billy

OK, I did see A Few Good Men. But all I really remember from that is Jack Nicholson hamming it up like a mofo. (And what a shock that was--Nicholson usually never does that.)

So, Tom, since I'm clearly pretty much underwhelmed by your thespian talents, what do you suppose are the odds that I'd be willing to take your medical advice? Or your opinions on theological matters?

Those are rhetorical questions, Tom. And since I've barely heard of you, despite all those movies I haven't seen, I see no reason to believe that you've heard of me. So I'll answer the question: the odds are a hell of a lot slimmer than I am.

But here's what's cool. Apparently, I have--unbeknownst to me--been boycotting you since before you went crazy. I was boycotting Tom Cruise before you went Tom Cruise™. I'm sort of like the guy in the Moliere play who discovered he'd been speaking prose all his life. I mean, I always thought that I just didn't like big-ass loud blockbuster movies. Or that I wasn't a gay male. I didn't realize I was really onto something--but I guess somehow I figured out way early on that you needed to be shunned.

It's been lonely out here in the pop culture vanguard. But I have a feeling a few other people are going to be joining me very soon.

--P.