Friday, August 19, 2005

And some have tight jeans thrust upon them

So a few weeks of eating lobster dunked in butter and sucking down Margaritas every chance I get have definitely taken their toll. I brought all fat clothes when we left Chicago, but they're starting to bite me anyway. Hard.

Today I mostly lounged around. What do I mean, "mostly?" I sat around like a god-damned slug all day reading The Amber Spyglass and playing Snood Solitaire. About 4:00 I decided that I'd better do something constructive, so I hung up curtains. Except I thought I bought three pairs and I only bought three panels, which means another trip to Linens 'n' Things is in order. But after an hour on the stepstool with the Philips head screwdriver and the measuring tape, I figured I was due for a shower.

After the shower I went to put on a pair of jeans because it's quite chilly here; maybe 70 degrees and getting colder.

Well, the jeans were THISTIGHT and I had to shoehorn myself into them and wrestle with the zipper for a while ... and while I have to admit that the rear view was definitely improved (as under normal circumstances my ass is as flat as a wallet with no money in it) the view from the front was horrifying. Not to mention the view from the side.

So I did the only thing I could do. I called Domino's and ordered a couple of pizzas and some Buffalo wings. And then I sat down and ate pizza and drank beer. See, I know these jeans, and the only thing that's going to make them get looser is if I stuff down a few slices of pizza and drink enough beer to force my entire lower body outward, at which point the denim will loosen up.

Oh, right. Like you have anything better to suggest.

--P.

4 comments:

  1. I woulda suggested more lobster.

    -Joke

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  2. I like the idea of eating more to stretch your jeans. Like you're a shoe tree -- a buffalo wing-smellin' shoe tree. Mmm. Delicious.

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  3. Well, I just got back from my vacation and I'm really afraid to try on any fall clothes.

    We had better start walking again!

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  4. Hey! That's MY body resculpting plan! (Well, I also try to fatten up girfriends so it's not as noticeable. If we all gain 10 lbs, it's like staying the same.)

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Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.