Saturday, October 15, 2005

Thank God mine were toilet-trained years ago.

I'm as leftie-bolshie-crunchy as the next over-educated goofball, but aren't medication-free childbirth, breastfeeding on demand, cloth diapers, and letting my kids sleep in my bed once in a while enough?

Apparently not.

If mine were infants--and I can't even begin to say how glad I am that they're not (been there, done that, laundered the spit-up off the fugly Motherwear nursing t-shirt) some Lamaze educator would be trying to talk me into paying extra close attention to my baby's "Elimination Communication" to ascertain when he or she was going to take a leak or worse. And then I'd rush the child to a potty seat, and help him along by making wee-wee and poo-poo noises.

Two--no, three words: AS. FUCKING. IF.

I mean, imagine the scenario of a sleep-deprived half-crazed new mother. In addition to figuring out what to feed the child and whether he needs another nap or why, in God's name, is he crying his head off AGAIN, she'd be trying to decipher the language of her child's lower G. I. tract.

For Christ's sake, I have difficulty understanding the so-called language of my own.

Something tells me the people behind (hee!) this movement (HAHAHAHAHA!) are first time parents who either have no lives, or are looking for a little project to keep them busy while they're building their yurta, raising llamas, tanning artificial leather, buying Fair-Trade organic coffee beans at the local co-op, and/or regrowing their foreskins.

--P.

5 comments:

  1. ...you had me at re-growing their foreskins.

    I will have to try NOT to use that at church today -- church which is chock full of these people.

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  2. And eating their placenta stew. Don't forget the placenta stew!

    I kind of thought it was better for ME to potty-train MY KIDS instead of the other way around. But maybe that's just me.

    And also, when I started reading this, I thought it was going to be a comment on the impending completely silent, drug-free birth of Katie Holmes' alien baby. I'm only a LITTLE disappointed.

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  3. Mmmmm ... placenta stew ... arrrrgggghhhh ...

    Homer Simpson

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  4. If this is what progressive parents are going on about...why doesn't seem like progress?

    -J.

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  5. yeah, as if i don't have enough to feel like a bad mother about...now i need to toilet train them as infants as well. wonderful. please reserve my space in the psych ward now.

    i know someone who cooked and allegedly ate the placenta - tastes just like chicken...no seriously, she said it was like steak. ewwwwww. i wonder if she baked a potato to go with it?

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Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.