Resolved, for 2006

Hmmmm ... let's see. How many resolutions have I come up with?

1. Quit smoking.

Now don't get all shocked on me. I don't actually smoke. I know how to smoke, though, and when I was bored to death at the very nice cocktail party I went to on New Year's Eve, I helped myself to a cigarette. (It was that or start pocketing stuff. I don't handle boredom very well.) But that gave me an instant resolution--how cool is that? So I went around telling people I was going to quit smoking for New Year's.

2. Be environmentally friendly.

One of my bathrooms has lighting so unflattering that I'm tempted never to go in there unless I'm wearing the veil. Last time I was in there nekkid, I noticed that my ass really does look like the moon. And I'd better do something to reduce its circumference before developers move in and start building space stations.

3. Feed the hungry.

I'm going to start with myself. I'm going to live dangerously! I'm going to experience hunger! To exist without nibbling on random things all the goddamned time. "Nibble, nibble, like a mouse, who's that nibbling in my house?" Really, I've got to stop before the exterminators get me.

4. Tell the truth.

I started by telling the school social worker that if the kid who was bugging my son the last day of school continued to bug him, I was going to rip his tonsils out. It's a start, but I need to work up to the full "fuck off!"

5. Become better educated.

I really need to watch more television. Honestly, I'm sure I would get a lot more out of Go Fug Yourself if I knew who the people were.

And of course:

6. Do something for humanity every day.

I'm going to spend way more time blogging.

6., part deux. Always use spell check before posting.

It's good entertainment. Mine just suggested I replace the word "blogging" with "flogging."

Ha! I wish.

--P.