Just call me a Black Widow.

This week I've had a child home sick from school three out of five days. On top of which, my husband was out of town for much of the week. Which means I've been even more housebound than usual.

I've definitely made the most of my time here. I've done laundry. I've neatened and organized. I've polished every piece of silver in the house. I've used my vast library of housekeeping books to discover that the Good Housekeeping spot-cleaning potion is actually pretty good at getting "biological stains" (their term, not mine) out of carpeting.

My husband just called to say he was coming home early. Which is nice.

But if he tells me he's going to the office this weekend, I will kill him and then eat him. Because you might not have realized this--after all, I don't post that many pictures--but I'm actually a black widow spider. Check it out:

Black widow spider

Black widow spiders generally live in minivans, PTA meetings, orthodontists' waiting rooms, kitchens, station wagons, laundry rooms, McDonald's, and other dark places. They are found throughout the Chicago area, especially in the suburban regions. Only the female spider is dangerous to humans.

What does a black widow spider look like?
The black widow spider has long slim legs and a large round tail segment (abdomen). Including its legs, the black widow generally measures from 66 inches to 67 inches in height. Red markings, usually in the shape of a poppy, are found on the underside of the belly. (Some scientists refer to them as "stretch marks.")

What are the symptoms of a bite?
A black widow spider bite has a pale area surrounded by a dark red ring (actually, these days it's either pink or plum--it depends on what the black widow is wearing that day.) The black widow's husband then develops pains in his back hair, razor stubble, toenails, Speedo, penis, and hairline. Other symptoms include snoring, puttering, obssessing about cocktails, holing up in his study, the inability to put anything away, grumpiness, the inability to ask directions, and an almost uncontrollable urge to lie down on the living room sofa after a heavy meal. Young children and the elderly are at almost no risk of developing symptoms from a black widow spider bite; she can't be bothered. She saves her venom for her husband.

How dangerous are black widow spider bites?
If a black widow spider bites her husband, do not panic! Unless you are he.