Tuesday, July 11, 2006

What's Your Hell Like?

I swiped this from Badger because I don't have an original thought in my head. I have to steal. For which I will be going to hell. And this is what it will be like:

Drinks in my hell:
  • Scotch
  • faux martinis made with sweet liqueurs
  • non-Diet Coke
  • gin
  • cognac
  • any combination of hard liquor with anything carbonated--say, Scotch and Diet Moxie
  • instant coffee with Cremora and Sweet and Low
Food in my hell:
  • seared tuna
  • margarine
  • kiddy breakfast cereals
  • bologna
  • Doritos
  • casseroles made with cream of anything soup
  • baked beans
  • Jell-O salads
  • salads with marshmallows
  • Circus Peanut candy
  • Wonder Bread
Occupations in my hell:
  • proctologist
  • endodontist
  • podiatrist
  • customer service representative
  • sommelier
  • the person who stands at one end of a chunk of road construction telling drivers when they can proceed
  • clown for children's birthday parties
Music in my hell:
  • The Eagles
  • America
  • Chicago
  • Three Dog Night
  • Gordon Lightfoot
  • Heavy Metal
  • "smooth jazz"
  • Schoenberg
  • Alban Berg
  • William Bolcom
  • John Tavener
  • Muzak
President in my hell: He's not dead yet.

Authors in my hell: Ayn Rand; Norman Mailer; John Updike; Philip Roth; Christian Metz; Barbara Cartland; Ann Coulter

Husbands in my hell: Rush Limbaugh; Tom Cruise; Michael Douglas; Ted Kennedy; Newt Gingrich; Dr. Phil; Donald Trump

Only activities allowed in my hell:
  • undergoing mammography
  • cleaning the basement
  • listening to Rush Limbaugh
  • taking children to McDonald's
  • taking children to Chuck E. Cheese
  • going to the Secretary of State's office for a new license picture
  • having teeth cleaned. Or drilled.
  • being weighed
  • going to a benefit or wedding with a loud band, bad food, and a bunch of total strangers at your table--and then a few of the guys start smoking cigars
  • taking the car in for service and having to wait in a waiting room with a television blaring
  • watching shopping channels
  • long turbulent flights with screaming children and someone using a barf bag nearby

5 comments:

  1. Oh, I am so with you on the seared tuna. What is with the cooked on the outside and mushy raw on the inside? That's not cuisine, that's a mistake. Throw some fennel on your list and it pretty much matches mine. I might eat the beans, if hell is a barbecue.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Heh, I thought you said, 'Long turbulent fights with screaming children and someone using a barf bag nearby'.

    I was all 'fighting and screaming would be turbulent, yes, but why in God's name is there someone using a barf bag??'

    Then, I reread and felt like a nitwit!

    So everything is back to normal now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so glad chocolate wasn't anywhere on that list. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. As re: music, you just don't know what's good.

    Good call on the huzbins though.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Tsk! Just because I don't like Metal. Or Chicago.

    Wait until you get to the entry where I admit that I don't drink vodka.

    ReplyDelete

Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.