Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Why I am an Asshole

1. Today I agreed to travel to the local tennis center to buy tickets for a friend who is out of town. (OK, that's not the part that's assholy.) While there I ran into a friend's husband. He whispered "Hello, Poppy" really softly, so I asked him if he had laryngitis.

Friend: No, I'm doing this for the tennis players.
Poppy: Oh, fuck them--it's not like they're playing golf.

[Pause]

Friend: Where's Mr. Poppy?
Poppy: He's at work. Why aren't you?

2. Then I dropped by the post office to mail a few letters. There was a card table with a lot of crude hand-drawn posters--something about impeaching Cheney--and stacks of literature that someone obviously wanted me to pick up.

Political Dude: Do you like my poster?
Poppy: It's OK. But I never heard of this "Larouche" person, so your organization isn't marketing itself very well.
Political Dude: He's ...
Poppy: That doesn't mean I want you to tell me.

3. Then I headed to the local grocery store. I wanted to buy some hamburger meat. Extra lean. I went and stood next to the meat counter where a white-haired woman picked up package after package of extra lean ground beef. And then put them down again. I didn't know whether she was trying to pick the package that was heaviest, lightest, oldest or youngest. It seemed random. I wait while she shuffled packages around. But not for long.

Poppy [reaching around the woman and grabbing a package of ground beef] Here, let me show you how it's done.

9 comments:

  1. Okay, your second label answered my question.

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  2. Poppy, dear, this is not *why* you're an asshole, this is *how* you're an asshole:-)

    Although it does seem mostly justified.

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  3. But amusing in your assholiness--which makes all the difference. God save us from the boring and styleless asshole.

    Should this blog be renamed "The Opiate of the Asses"?

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  4. OMG! I'm so glad I'm not alone in all this and that I'm not the only woman having asshole moments. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. I would say you're my kind of asshole, but somehow that doesn't sound quite right... you are certainly quick-witted and entertaining in the best of ways!

    And nice job on adding the subtle color to the background!

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  6. If you ever stop behaving like this, you're out of the will.

    -J.

    P.S. And also, good luck affording the dowry.

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  7. Okay, this is why we are internet friends.

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  8. You sound like me on one of my GOOD days, lol. I had an episode like that in the grocery store once, only it was an old lady and packages of celery. "It's CELERY lady; have you EVER gotten a bad package of CELERY??"

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  9. In the language of NASCAR, we call that "get her done".

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Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.