I've been putting crap away all day long. You're getting a meme

Stolen from Brilliantly Inept:

What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now? Caswell Massey Jojoba Oil

Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator? No.

What would you change about your living room? Pretty much everything, I'm afraid. I'd get new window treatments, a new sofa, a new television (flat screen), new shelves for the DVDs, new rugs, and I'd get one of those hassock/coffee table combination thingies so my husband could put his feet up. New tables for next to the loveseat. New lamps. I'd scrap the mantel and fireplace and get nice ones. On the other hand, I've just done a bunch of renovations. so I don't think I'll be replacing any fireplaces any time soon.

Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty? Dirty.

What is in your fridge? Three gallons of organic two percent milk, a dozen organic eggs, way more broccoli than anyone really needs, a bunch of oranges, Diet Coke, white wine, raw chicken, raw steak, lettuce, tomatoes, and who the HELL came up with this question? Maybe I should just post a picture.

White or wheat bread? White, but it's OK, because I don't eat it. Me, I eat whole grain "colon blow"-style wraps, instead.

What is on top of your refrigerator? A built-in cabinet thing containing a bunch of trays and platters I won't remember stashing there.

What color or design is on your shower curtain? It's white eyelet.

How many plants are in your home? One. A poinsettia. I killed the others by leaving them on the porch while our house renovations were going on. House renovations lasted well past the frost date in Illinois. Whoops.

Is your bed made right now? No, and since it's 9:30 p.m., I doubt it will be.

Comet or Soft Scrub? Comet on my new bathtubs? Are you mental? Soft Scrub, or baking soda, or maybe, to be on the safe side, I'll just lick them clean.

Is your closet organized? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Can you describe your flashlight? Wait a minute. Was this meme written by a non-native speaker of English? Someone who gets his or her small, battery-powered personal appliances confused? Does this person actually want to know about my sex toy(s), if any?

(Because honestly, who cares about flashlights?)

Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home? Glass. Plastic is plastic, man.

Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now? No, and generally speaking, I don't. I'm from New England, and we don't inhale iced tea the way Southern girls do. Especially not in December.

If you have a garage, is it cluttered? At the moment it is so full of boxes of tile that I can't get my car out. Yes, the construction workers piled it all up behind my car, which is now boxed in. Is that cluttered enough for you?

Curtains or blinds? Both.

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. I'm kinky that way.

Do you sleep with any lights on at night? No, but technology keeps me awake anyway, what with the clock radio, the laptop, the wireless modem, the cordless phone, the dimmer for my bedside lamp, and the printer in the next room, etc., etc.

How often do you vacuum? Never. Paid professionals come and do it for me once a week.

Standard toothbrush or electric? Sonicare Elite.

What color is your toothbrush? White, unlike my teeth.

Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch? No. We do provide a mat for wiping your feet. But it doesn't say "Welcome," it says "Hey, asshole! Wipe your feet!"

What is in your oven right now? The smaller of my two cast iron skillets.

Is there anything under your bed? A collection of eBayed vintage magazines that I really should shitcan.

Chore you hate doing the most? Polishing silver.

What retro items are in your home? Aside from me? Lots, most notably my collection of etiquette books, my vintage housekeeping books, and my Musee de Prepisme.

Do you have a separate room that you use as an office? Yes. Is it such a cluttered mess that nothing can possibly be accomplished there? Yes.

How many mirrors are in your home? Nine.

What color are your walls? The living room and dining room are pale pink, the kitchen is beige, my bathroom is white, my daughter's bathroom is blue, the other bathroom is green, my daughter's room is blue, my son's room is blue, the music room is beige, my husband's study is dark blue, my bedroom and study are white. WHO CARES.

Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home? You're shitting me, right? OK. I keep a nine-inch, pearl handled, pistol grip "flashlight" that might be handy for thumping intruders on the head.

What does your home smell like right now? Spaghetti sauce.

Favorite candle scent? None. I don't like scented candles. But here is a truly fascinating fact about me that I will throw in, just to show there are no hard feelings about the scented candles, not to mention the sex toys flashlight question. I burn only 100 percent beeswax candles. There! I'll be on Letterman any second now, I just know it.

What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now? A bunch of pickled peppers, and I am not kidding. My husband likes them.

What color is your favorite Bible? I don't have one. Actually, the New Oxford New Testament in paperback is my favorite, but my husband made off with it. Isn't there a commandment against this kind of thing?

Ever been on your roof? NO WAY. I'm afraid of heights.

Do you own a stereo? Yes. It's pink and has Hello Kitty on it. You wouldn't expect someone like me to have a Hello Kitty stereo, would you? Well, the joke's on you. I traded in the Victrola quite a while ago.

How many TVs do you have? Two sets, plus we get television through the iMac in my study.

How many house phones? Six. But I never answer them, so don't bother.

Do you have a housekeeper? Just the galley slaves who come in once a week.

What style do you decorate in? Eva Gabor in Green Acres meets Ma in Little House on the Prairie.

Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints? I like solid colors, but I have prints or some kind of texture, because solid colors show all the spills, and we are a messy bunch.

Is there a smoke detector in your home? Yes.

In case of fire, what are the items in your house which you’d grab if you only could make one quick trip? My jewelry, my son's turtle, and my laptop, in case anyone leaves a comment.