Just like blackbird, I like to force the internet to go shopping with me.

Unlike blackbird, I'm too lazy to go out looking for a new kitchen table in real life, because that would involve actually getting off my ass and going to a furniture store. In fact, several furniture stores.

And I can't even begin to describe how unattractive a prospect that appears to be on a cold (what else is new) snowy (what, again?) Saturday afternoon.

And so, I reach for my friend, the internet.

Here's the situation. What I have now: the kitchen table that came with the house. It's a white formica rectangle measuring 54 inches by 40 inches, or four and a half feet by 3 and a half feet. This size is perfect for our little family dinners a quatre, doing homework (sometimes both kids at once) and reading the newspaper while I breakfast in solitary splendor.

This table also fits the somewhat narrow and radiator-bedecked end of my kitchen. Which used to look like this



and now looks more like this


Except with the plastic wrap off and the same old furniture back in place.

Here's a close-up of what I'm dealing with now.
As you can see, one end of the table is under the window and provides a handy spot for stashing salt and pepper shakers, Japanese seaweed sprinkles for my rice, a poinsettia that refuses to die even though it's almost Easter, and napkins.

What I have in mind is a new table, wooden, roughly the same size, pedestal based (because the radiators pretty much preclude a four-legged table) with a distressed black finish. Black will go with the antique wrought iron chandelier, dark granite counters, and my newer and slightly less Victoria-magazine-influenced aesthetic. (Meaning it doesn't have to be pretty. Or cute. Or retro.)

Black wood would also keep me from spending half my life Windex-ing tea stains off white formica. Because in case anyone asks, the question: "Why did you never finish your doctoral dissertation?" could just as easily be answered by the phrase "I was too busy trying to keep my white kitchen table clean."¹

OK! Ready to help me buy a table? Great. Shall we sort by price? Very well.

This one is from Caroline Cottage. I found it on Amazon.

It sells for $199. Unfortunately, the ratings for this company are pretty bad. Apparently a few people got the base without the top, or the top showed up broken. And it's too small--only 42 inches around.

Still .. $199! At that price my daughter could fingerpaint her food with ketchup, instead of merely eking it out in a miserly fashion, a teaspoon here, a teaspoon there.

This one is only $200 from Amazon. But again, it's only 42 inches around.


I like the chunkier base. It seems less tippable. But forget it! It's too small.

This one

is 48 inches around, costs $799, includes the chairs, and has free shipping. Unfortunately I hate the combination of black and brown and those chair seats? Would be covered with ketchup within seconds.

Of course I can't remember where this one came from. Or how much it cost.

And of course, I kind of like it. These chair seats wouldn't get trashed, and I like the base on this one the best. There is no way my kids would manage to tip it over.

I'll have to look around and find it again.

This design is available from a few different retailers, and the price ranges from $1200 to $1359. The chair they're showing isn't the only choice, which is a good thing, because it's trying very hard to look hip.







This is the other chair.


Which I hate less than the hip one.

I hate this set

And only partly because it's designed by Kathy Ireland and costs $1,069.00. Didn't she used to do Sports Illustrated bathing suit issue covers?

It'll be a cold day in hell when a pair of breast implants designs my kitchen table.

¹ Actually, it was indolence that did me in. That and the knowledge that I didn't, in fact, want to teach college students. Or try to get tenure.