How to feel like a dork

First, you have to get trapped in an empty stairwell.

You start your day singing in a church choir, since that's about the dorkiest thing you can do on a Sunday morning.

Then arrange to sneak out of church a little early. Realize you need to hide your purse in the choir stalls so you can bring it with you as you sneak out.

Grab your purse and music and head upstairs from the choir room. At the top of the stairs, discover that the door to the sanctuary is locked. And then, when you go back downstairs, discover that the door to the choir room is locked, too.

Pound on the door until someone comes and lets you out.

Run around the outside of the cathedral until you catch up with the choir. In full view of the congregation, scurry down the aisle and squirrel your purse away. Hope that you haven't held things up too much.

Then, find something to do that is so incredibly lackluster, you're ashamed to admit it.

Begin by heading out--not to brunch with friends, or to the beach, or on a shopping trip--but to the annual meeting of a non-profit organization.

Because nothing spells d-o-r-k-y like spending your weekends doing--for free--what normal people would only do if they were being paid large sums of money.

Next, manifest dorkiness in front of the maximum amount of much cooler people.

Walk briskly down an elegant boulevard crowded with shoppers and tourists. Try to do this on a hot day, for the maximum in sweatiness. If you can manage it, try to get some chafing going in the inner thigh area.

As you get closer to Grant Park, where Lalapalooza is in full flow, notice all the concert goers wearing band and concert t-shirts. See the Led Zeppelin 1972? Daft Punk? The Police? The bands that are so indy-cool you won't remember the names later on when you're blogging it?

OK, now show these people your snappy outfit from the Talbot's.

"Hi," your outfit says. "See how my mouse-colored knit top and long skirt covered with a huge print of Montmartre? That are sort of Amelie-ish? Well, don't tell Poppy, but Amelie was probably a size 2, if that, and a skirt like this in a size 16 isn't going to look like something Amelie would wear; it's going to look like a backdrop for the stage adaptation of the movie."

Congratulations! You have attained the maximum degree of dorkiness! And it isn't even lunch time.