Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The truth revealed. Also, my va-jay-jay.

Hey everybody! My vagina is the internet!

But before I get into that, let me deal with the two truths and a lie situation.

1. I'm a published author--not a blog. A book.
True. An essay of mine, written when I was still a card-carrying intellectual, appeared in a collection of scholarly essays edited by a couple friends of mine. Which came out in book form about 10 years ago. Duke University Press. Yes, you'd never guess. And yes, I have killed quite a few brain cells since then.

2. One time when I was partying with some friends at a record company, Keith Richards came in and offered me some coke, but I told him no thanks, I had some of my own.
False. Doing lines of cocaine with Keith Richards is a lie, insofar as it didn't actually happen to me. It happened to my oldest friend when she was at college in California. I went to college in Massachusetts, where you hardly ever meet rock stars. (If you went to college in California, please don't comment that you hung out with rock stars all the time. I already have all the degrees any housewife needs, and anyway, it would look weird if I started applying to college at this point. Although I probably would breeze through the essay part, what with almost five years of blogging under my belt.)

3. I didn't learn how to drive a car until I was 35 years old. True. Where I grew up there was a lot of good public transportation. And boyfriends with cars. So I didn't feel the need to learn to drive until I moved to Chicago and lived in the doughnut hole of Hyde Park, which, yes, is an oasis of integration and intellectuals and also where Barack Obama used to live, but is also surrounded on three sides by extremely non-gentrified housing and one side by Lake Michigan. There is public transportation, but it involves first heading into the Loop and transferring to the bus or train that will take you elsewhere in the city. It takes forever. So I learned to drive.

And now, about my va-jay-jay: I went to the lady doctor today for the annual weight, blood pressure, feel-the-boobs, get-up-in-the-stirrups swabfest, and when I left, I was handed a card with the url to a website and the instructions for how to log on and get the results of my pap smear.

This is probably news to absolutely no one out there. You've probably been checking out your cervix on the internet for ages. But it was news to me. Which just shows you how long it's been since I was up in the stirrups, whoops.

But now? My vagina is on the internet.

I feel just like Paris Hilton.

15 comments:

  1. Hi there,

    Thank you so much for the much needed Tuesday afternoon laugh! I found your blog through a friend of a friends blog if that makes sense and I just love it. Are you originally from MA or did you just go to school there? I live in Ma. Ok I am going on and on, have a great one!
    Tabby
    www.tabathamax.blogspot.com

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  2. Man, that's nuts. My lady doctor still sends me a little card in the mail with a smiley face on the inside telling me my pap results were normal. I'd freak if my vajayjay were on the internet.

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  3. This is news to me, but also a sign of how long it's been since I've been in the stirrups...and the only Paris I want to visit is the one with the Eiffel Tower and great shopping!

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  4. Don't feel so out of the loop. I have never heard of getting your test results on the internet!

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  5. OK, I read that as "My vagina is the internet." And I was waiting for some brilliant analogy. Maybe next post?

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  6. I'm going for my girlie-doctor-appointment on Friday. I hope my va-jay-jay gets on the internet too!

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  7. It's on the Internet, eh? Of course, you realize the next time you post a two truth/one lie thing, you've just given away one of your best ones...

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  8. Yeah, but...her posts are so long [ahem!]we probably won't have read it all, and even if we did, we wouldn't remember.

    ;-D

    T.

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  9. Your Fire Ant:

    Too long? Just for that, I'm going to translate all my posts into Ubbadubba!

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  10. You do realize this was a reference to your post about the person who complained of your longevity. You do, right??

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  11. You do realize this was a reference to your post about the person who complained of your longevity. You do, right??

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  12. ...but I'd love to see one in Ubbadubba too.

    ;-)

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  13. As long as everyone realizes that I knew you BEFORE your vagina was on the internet...

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  14. Waak! This cracks me up. Thanks for popping up on my blog, and good luck with the Chautauqua Porch Style renovation. I fear you must be born with Chautauqua style. After parts of six summers there, my porch still looks like a hoopie's, complete with lazy dog.
    Your blog is LOVELY. I am about to get a bloglift from my Web Witch and can't wait!! Yours is an inspiration.
    So nice to meet you!

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  15. Hello!!! poppisima.blogspot.com is one of the best innovative websites of its kind. I enjoy reading it every day. poppisima.blogspot.com rocks!

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Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.