More free BlogHer advice!

Because I know you can't get enough of it.

But listen, ladies. I need to keep it short. I have to write a BlogHer BeautyHacks post tonight.

Now, you'd think my BlogHer BeautyHacks boss would realize, hey, maybe I should get somebody else to publish a post the day before BlogHer! Maybe I shouldn't ask Poppy, since she has only 48 hours to lose 30 pounds, buy all new clothes, grow out her nails, get her hair blown out, her eyebrows waxed, her finger- and toenails polished and her forehead Botoxed. After all, she needs to transform herself into someone much cooler, thinner, younger, and more wrinkle-free before Thursday night's pre-BlogHer Contributing Editor party. And she is a little pressed for time.

But Susan obviously realized that I am not the roommate who amassed a huge collection of collectible clowns and then tried to commit suicide. No, I am the responsible roommate who went to work and accomplished all sorts of squid-like computer-y things. And let me reiterate; this was IN THE EIGHTIES. For anyone who was sending and receiving email as early as 1984, writing a BeautyHacks post should be a piece of cake.

And it is. But it doesn't leave me with a lot of time to post about BlogHer. So quick! Here's my advice:

1. Do not worry about which panel to go to. Put off deciding all that stuff until after you arrive.

Right now, your main job is to overcompensate for your shortcomings. Say you're like me: easily overwhelmed in crowds, easily bossed around, and pretty much clueless. For me, the solution is to 1) find someone bossy and 2) follow her around.

I tend to glom onto Susie Sunshine and blackbird, both of whom are way more knowledgeable about who is whom, who's getting how many hits, who is using which ad network, who just signed a book contract, and all the rest of that shit.

(Except let me just say that two years ago, neither one of them knew who the Pioneer Woman was. OK, I didn't either. But I'm not pretending to know what's going on. Sheesh!)

2. Spend as much time as possible in the bathroom. You meet the coolest people there. I didn't meet The Bloggess in the bathroom in 2007 because I don't think she'd been invented yet, but I did meet Suzanne of Campaign for Unshaved Snatch and Bossy of I am Bossy. I didn't meet the Sarcastic Journalist in the bathroom, but she gave me a tampon, which is almost the same thing.

3. When you're not in the bathroom, be drinking. When you're not drinking, be handing out business cards. If you still don't have business cards, improvise. Take a Sharpie and write your twitter handle on people's hands. Like this:

@poppybuxom

People will love this. Especially if you use indelible ink.

Seriously! It will be so fun, so fresh, so informal!

You'll probably end up the next dooce.