My thoughtful Oscar Red Carpet commentary

Forgot or couldn't be bothered to watch the Oscars? Me too. Interested in the red carpet, but don't have time to scroll through the usual on-line galleries? I've got you covered. Here's some red carpet commentary that cuts a three-and-a-half-hour-long snoozefest into a veritable Fashion Disaster fortune cookie.

 

The Poppy Buxom Awards

 

For Best Dress Worn By a Leading Lady

 

And the winner is ... Cate Blanchett. Honestly, she's ready for the Red Carpet Lifetime Achievement award.

Best dress that at least was not made out of meat

 

Lady Gaga

 

Best Scroll Down Peekaboo

Rooney Mara, who somehow manages to channel Audrey Hepburn as both a nun and a bride.

Hollywood Costume Historian

 

For the dress that is clearly the love child of this

and this

 Awarded to Heidi Klum, for this

Hollywood Costume Historian, Part Deux, or, Who Wore It Best 

 

Bette Davis

to Whoopi Goldberg. OK, Bette looked better. But Whoopi's dress is way better than Heidi's.

Argument for Firing Your Stylist 

 

To Brie Larson. Lovely dress. But that belt looks like a prop from Rocky.

Best Impersonation of a Chart Illustrating the 1929 Stock Market Crash

 

to Kate Winslet.

Not Understanding the Meaning of the Word "Flattering"

 

to Sarah Silverman, whose peplum was not on fleek.

Best Impersonation of Diana Vreeland's Curtains

 

to Amy Poehler.


Finally, the award for

You Can Do Better

to Gwen Stefani.

It's up to you to tell whether I'm talking about her dress or her date.