Monday, February 29, 2016

My thoughtful Oscar Red Carpet commentary

Forgot or couldn't be bothered to watch the Oscars? Me too. Interested in the red carpet, but don't have time to scroll through the usual on-line galleries? I've got you covered. Here's some red carpet commentary that cuts a three-and-a-half-hour-long snoozefest into a veritable Fashion Disaster fortune cookie.

 

The Poppy Buxom Awards

 

For Best Dress Worn By a Leading Lady

 



And the winner is ... Cate Blanchett. Honestly, she's ready for the Red Carpet Lifetime Achievement award.

Best dress that at least was not made out of meat

 



Lady Gaga

 

Best Scroll Down Peekaboo




Rooney Mara, who somehow manages to channel Audrey Hepburn as both a nun and a bride.

Hollywood Costume Historian

 

For the dress that is clearly the love child of this




and this


 Awarded to Heidi Klum, for this



Hollywood Costume Historian, Part Deux, or, Who Wore It Best 

 

Bette Davis








to Whoopi Goldberg. OK, Bette looked better. But Whoopi's dress is way better than Heidi's.

Argument for Firing Your Stylist 

 



To Brie Larson. Lovely dress. But that belt looks like a prop from Rocky.

Best Impersonation of a Chart Illustrating the 1929 Stock Market Crash

 



to Kate Winslet.

Not Understanding the Meaning of the Word "Flattering"

 



to Sarah Silverman, whose peplum was not on fleek.

Best Impersonation of Diana Vreeland's Curtains

 




to Amy Poehler.


Finally, the award for

You Can Do Better




to Gwen Stefani.

It's up to you to tell whether I'm talking about her dress or her date.

11 comments:

  1. Sarah Silverman's dress was even worse on TV. It cut her under the arms in the most unflattering way. My personal favorite was Naomi Watts. Her dress was crazyballs gorgeous.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ouchy ouch ouch, so harsh. Great catch re the Whoopi/Bette dress. Whoopi looks so uncomfortable in a dress, always. I thought last year's red carpet was a lot better than this year's. My favorites were Naomi and Cate.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I preferred Cate's dress to Naomi's because it complemented her delicate coloring better. Naomi and Charlize were wearing dresses that wore them--very intense colors that would have been better on a brunette like Tina Fey (who also looked amazing, btw.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I watched it all and it was so boring this year! Still , Cate looked the best and Amblus comment above was right- Silvermans dress was too tight for her "swimmers" shoulders and arms! Whoopi's dress was too tight too. Kate Winslet should have taken one of the dress's she wore in her new movie "The Dressmaker" .... Far, far better and ....did she use one of your "favourite" shampoo's on her hair I wonder?? LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And see, I wasn't going to say a word about her hair. Although I was thinking about it REALLY HARD.

      Delete
    2. LOL ! You must try to see The Dressmaker" ... fabbo ... lots of 50's fashion. Real chic flick - you will love it!

      Delete
  5. Loved this post and passed it to my Oscar-pal at work, Matt, who said he found it INSANELY ENJOYABLE.
    Heh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay, Matt can be my new best friend! Next time I'm in Tuvalu let's all go out for brunch and drink cosmos and make fun of celebrities. And then go shopping for Manolos. You in?

      Delete
  6. I taped it and watched it the next day skipping all the useless parts. Also, it airs in the middle of the night here and I'm not crazy to stay up all night for that. I liked Alicia Vikander's dress a lot, my second favourite after Cate. Cate could wear anything. She's got the body and the style, the beauty and the grace. She's got it all, damn her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? Also she knows how to dress to flatter her coloring, which apparently is the one point I won't stop making.

      But honestly, will someone please tactfully inform these blondes (bleached and natural) that they need to tone down the harsh colors?

      You wouldn't have caught Grace Kelly dead in a red or cobalt blue dress.

      Delete

Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.