Where to begin?

As a test of my multiple-photograph-uploading abilities, I am pleased to present the upstairs bathroom of our house in New Hampshire.

As Conrad so succinctly put it, "The horror. The horror!" Right on, Joseph. Truer words were never written. And as my title says, where to begin?

While I'll admit I'm fairly amused by the Chinoiserie-style vanity (which is complemented by the Chinoiserie-style electric outlet plate--you can't see it, but it's there) for the most part, I'm flummoxed by the decorating choices made by Person or Persons Unknown.

For one thing, while Mother Nature would assure us that all shades of green go together beautifully, or at least, she would, if she weren't busy with the upkeep on her rain forests and such, this bathroom is living proof that actually, they don't.

If the details escape the viewer, allow me to fill you in. The walls are a sort of olive green paisley stripe. The toilet and bathtub are a shade I've always called Gym Uniform Green.
Some tiles in the tub enclosure have been replaced, but not with matching tile. No, Person or Persons Unknown selected a paler shade of Gym Uniform Green--perhaps what lacrosse players wear during their spring and early summer practices.
The floor is covered with a faux-marbre vinyl tile in a streaked Ivy Green and white. The bathroom sink is yet another shade, something between Ivy and Gym Uniform. And at some point someone saw fit to replace the original toilet seat with one that is once more, Yet Another Shade of Green.

You will all be gratified to hear that there were pale green corduroy curtains in the window, as well as a wooden valance painted with a Chinoiserie-style design. But I removed them. I don't know--call me overly cautious, but I thought six shades of green would be enough for a small room.

I would also like to point out the bizarre-looking mirrors.

Mind you, there are things I like about this room. First, it's nice and big. Also, there's a good sturdy lock on the door, something I very much wish I had in my primary residence, but lack. And it has a linen closet. The pecan-colored wood of the doors, trim, window frame and vanity is in great shape and isn't actually all that ugly. And the little demi-lune vanity kind of cracks me up. It has a sort of Eva Gabor-in-Singapore vibe.

OK, we're really getting petty now, but that thing clipped to Eva Gabor's vanity mirror is a heat lamp, which I'm sure will be nice in the winter. And there's an outlet for a telephone.

Not that I tend to indulge
in the full-on Joan-Craw-
ford-as-Crystal-Allen-in-
The Women-taking-a-
bubble-bath-while-
talking-on-the-phone
thing ...

but it's nice to know that I could if I wanted to.

--P.