Midnight minus seven hours.

I'm procrastinating.

I'll be heading out for New Year's Eve in about two hours. I don't want to go out at all, for reasons I have already gone into.

I haven't even figured out which dress I'm going to wear. I do enough black tie events to have a choice of long dresses, so I have to figure out which one I'm wearing. I'm dreading doing this because I'm terrified that everything I like will be too tight, and I'll have to wear my fat dress. Which I tend to refer to as my "Margaret Dumont" dress, because it makes me look matronly, and as if I'll be terribly shocked if someone makes a dirty crack. (When actually, if I were at a reception standing next to Groucho Marx, he'd probably slap my face for making too many fresh remarks.)

But in an attempt to at least look halfway decent--because OK, she was no spring chicken and was a bit on the plump side, but check out that hairdo!--I went over to Bravco and bought: a bottle of Kerastase shampoo, a BaByliss Pro ionic hairdryer, a Mason Pearson hairbrush, a set of Helen of Troy hot rollers, a new mascara, and some Simple Solutions Ultra copper Firming Serum. Also a bottle of contact lens solution so I can wear my contacts.

Then I went to Bloomingdales and bought five pairs of control top hose: control top, firm control top, ultra firm control top, "Lace me tighter, Mammy," and "Your stomach might be flat, but your eyes are going to bulge like crazy."

All I can say is I hope my public appreciates all this.

I'd better go get ready. Happy New Year, everyone!

--P.