I'd like to introduce you to my new love.
The Panasonic giga-herz googleplexing cordless phone.
See, after a few weeks of mysterious "low battery" warnings, I had finally had it with the old cordless. "Old crappy cordless phone with one lousy satellite handset, are you telling me that after a full month in the charging cradle, you still don't have enough juice? You are? Well, fie upon you, former favorite Christmas present!"
So I went to Costco and bought this sweet, sweet set of phones. This house is old, and there aren't that many telephone outlets. And the ones we have aren't located all that conveniently. My daughter? Who doesn't have a phone? Has an jack in her bedroom. I? Do not. And in the upstairs and downstairs hallways, the phone jacks are positioned under those old telephone niches that old house fanatics probably drool over. There aren't any electric outlets anywhere near the niches, so I put candlestick phones in them, which is historic-looking, but inconvenient.
But with my new set, I can have a phone next to my bed, and another one next to my favorite chair in the living room. And when the phone rings, I don't have to put down my book or magazine or laptop and haul ass to answer it. I can just sit there, gaining weight, and reach out and touch someone!
But wait! It gets better! All three handsets have speaker phones. How cool is that? Go ahead; put me on hold. I'll just keep sitting here, reading.
These phones also have audible caller ID. That one was new to me. Instead of having to go squint at the read-out, you sit around listening to the phone mispronounce very familiar names in its goofy computer-generated voice. It truncates long names, too.
So far I have heard it trying--and failing--to master the correct pronunciation of "The WOE-man's Atha-letic ..." and "The law firm of ..." and not managing to get to the end of the name. And you really need to hear what it does to the name of a famous department store: "See Ears and Row-mumble."
All I need now is to program it the way you can program cell phones with a unique ring for each person. That way my phone will let me know that "Your p-sy-cho hose-beast mother-in-law" is calling. Or "Pick up, you loser; it's Joke!"