Saturday, November 18, 2006

The promised meme. From Joke.

Explain what ended your last relationship?
It's been so long that I can't really remember, but I think it was the time he peed on my bedroom floor.

When was the last time you shaved?
About three days ago, she bristled.

What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Taking my first life-giving sip of tea.

What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Sitting around on my fat butt playing with the internet. As you can see, nothing's changed.

Have you had to take a loan out for school?
Yes.

Last thing received in the mail?
The electric bill, which puzzled me. How I managed to use more electricity during the month of August (when I wasn't here) than I did in July (when I was) eludes me.

How many different beverages have you had today?
Three. Water, coffee, and tea. But it's early yet.

Are you any good at math?
A bit. I was always very good at geometry and trigonometry, and I'm still excellent at arithmetic--if you want to know how much carpeting that costs $35/yard installed will cost for your 19 x 26 foot living room, I'm your gal. On the other hand, the idea of even trying to learn calculus makes me want to hide under your living room sofa, which will make installation difficult.

Your prom night, what do you remember about it?
I didn't go to the prom. I was in high school in the 70s. Proms were for dorks.

Do you have any famous ancestors?
Thomas Dudley. And because I'm descended from Dudley, I'm also descended from Charlemagne. I guess I need to get a big-ass ring so all my blogging fans can kiss it.

Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine?
Of course. I tell the person to call me back, but I never say who I am. Which means that sometimes the person I called calls the wrong person back, probably renewing the ties of an ancient friendship. In this way, I spread sweetness and light.

Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
It's "Whom." And it was The Rolling Stones. But it's OK. They were gentle with me.

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
What? And risk identity theft?

What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had?
A root canal performed by the ham-handed practitioner my parents probably picked because he was descended from Thomas Dudley or some such. It definitely wasn't for his dentistry.

What is your favorite flavor of JELL-O?

Red. All other flavors are heretical and--if you're not religious--just plain wrong.

Have you ever been to a planetarium?

Several times. I like planetaria. You sit in the dark and look at cool stuff. It's like going to the movies without all that tedious violence.

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Do you mean large as in numerous, or large as in obese?

Any plans for Friday night?
That depends upon who's asking.

What is out your back door?

Let me guess. You've run out of even semi-interesting questions.

Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Not at all. If I wanted my hair to be covered with nasty, salty, sticky stuff, I'd stay in bed.

Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?
Wait a minute. Is this so-called meme actually a marketing survey?

Do you re-use towels after you shower?
OK, this is definitely a marketing survey, I just know it. Either that or it's some pervert. Come out of hiding, you cheesey marketing person and/or pervert. Be honest. Just ask me, Martex or Grand Patrician? Monogrammed or not? Do I like my towels soft and cushiony, or do I prefer the rough caress of nubbly terry loops?

Some things you are excited about?
Sex, my upcoming birthday, my birthday loot, if any, Christmas, and nubbly terry loops.

Describe your keychain(s)?
I can't. I don't remember what it looks like. Actually, they. As in the keys to one car. The keys to the other car. The keys to the house. They're all on different keychains. And no, I don't know why; that's just the way I do it. And stop trying to divert attention from your towel fetish. You're not fooling anyone.

Where do you keep your change?
In my wallet. If I get too much of it, I stick it in a jar. When the jar is full, I take it to the bank, where, guess what? They turn it back into money. You should try it, cheesey Marketing Towel Fetish Pervert. Sometimes I get $80 or even more, which will buy a lot of Bed-Head, Stiff-Stuff, and new towels. At least, if the towels are on sale.

What kind of winter coat do you own?
OK, remarks about nubbly terry towels and salty hair aside, this is where it actually gets embarrassing around here:

Vintage camel's hair swing coat with blonde mink collar
Vintage red wool coat with black fox collar
red duffle coat
red boiled wool jacket with Tyrolean braid trim
black car coat with red trim
brown duffle coat
long black cashmere
navy blue wool trench
navy blue cotton trench
black leather zip front jacket
knee-length swing mink
long straight dark brown mink
What was the weather like on your graduation day?
Wet. But not in a way that would excite you, Cheesey Marketing Towel Fetish Pervert.

Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Closed. And in your case, Cheesey Marketing Towel Fetish Pervert, locked.

5 comments:

  1. Absolutely the best meme I have ever read.

    And I am jealous of your coat collection... I have no need of coats, yet I want all of yours.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wait, I have more questions!

    If somewhere were to stand in front of your mailbox, what numbers would he see? Also, street name, please.

    - Cheesey Marketing Towel Fetish Pervert

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, right. Like I'm going to put my street address on the internet for all you Cheesey Marketing Towel Fetish Perverts to see. I may waste untold amounts of time writing the answers to idiotic memes, but I'm not completely moronic.

    And now, I have to go. I feel an overwhelming need to bleach all my towels.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "If somewhere were to stand"?

    Do I even read these comments before I post them? Apparently not.

    But trust me, it would have been crazy funny if I hadn't lapsed into gibberish.

    - CMTFP

    ReplyDelete
  5. Actually, it's "To whom did you lose your concert virginity?"

    I'm just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete

Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.