Monday, May 28, 2007

And then Nemesis came up and bit me on the ass.

You know, it was very recently--a mere post ago--that I mentioned what a nice life I lead. And mostly, I do.

Except I planned to spend quite a bit of time this month working out at the gym, or going on long, vigorous walks, working up a light sweat in a desperate attempt to shed fat cells and transform what's left from a bulging sack of Crisco to a lightly muscled, firm, rubbery bagel of fleshly delights.

Unfortunately, I've developed cancer of the foot. Or something like it. I'd go to the doctor and check it out, except I hate doctors, and anyway, what's the internet for, if not to discover all kinds of information about medical conditions that then become your completely paranoid worst nightmare?

I don't even want to talk about it. I hate feet. I know I'm alone in this, or have been for the last decade, where the entire world has fallen down and worshiped French pedicures and strappy sandals (which by the way, is redundancy in action: I mean, show me a sandal without straps and I will show you a shoe sole) and reflexology and Manolo's shoe blog, but I don't care. I hate feet, and I don't want to talk about them.

So something's wrong with my foot, and I can't work out the way I planned. And I'm sitting here imagining myself hauling my enormous carcase through the swimming pool, lap after lap, until I build the upper body of a wheelchair athlete on steroids.

And I realized, hey, I'm feeling whiny.

Better blog about it.

Before I crush my laptop keyboard with my Popeye-like forearms.

11 comments:

  1. You probably have plantars faciatis, which is REALLY common and REALLY painful. But the best thing is, you can skip the doctor and the podiatrist and get some arch supports and other accoutrements in catalogs. You can totally skip the doctor. And yes, I speak from experience.

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  2. I second the plantar fasciitis suggestion. It is extremely painful. OTC anti-inflammatories help with the pain, and buy good inserts for your shoes and see if that helps. Start slowly with the inserts and work your way up to wearing them all day, no matter what you're doing.

    I wound up having to see an orthopedic specialist, had PT, and had casts made of my feet for orthotic inserts because the OTC ones didn't work, all because I waited too long without doing anything. But most people will get relief from OTC, without a doc.

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  3. Umm, all she said was her feet hurt and linked to BONE SPURS. This whole I know what you have diagnosis stuff is like- wow. Medicine by blog. I have a bit of a headache at the moment...any ideas.

    Love your blog.

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  4. Actually, I think spring and margalit are right. Both plantar's whatchamacallit and bone spurs involve heel pain. And unfortunately, I have a lot of the symptoms. As well as the risk factors (sudden weight gain + sudden increase in exercise + high arches + really old sneakers.

    And hey! If I listen to them, I won't have to go to the doctor, and I love to avoid doctors. No offense to the doctors out there; I'm sure you're a real laugh riot at parties, but the only place I hate worse than a doctor's office is a dentist's ditto.

    As for headaches, I find mine are caused by tension, low blood sugar, and caffeine deprivation. The solution is assume it's all three acting together as an axis of evil, and treat the headache by drinking to drink a cup of strong coffee with a shot of Tia Maria and whipped cream on top.

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  5. Delurking, Poppy, to say that I went to the doctor about said affliction yesterday. Have to do everything-shots, inserts, exercises- because I waited too long to do anything (I was limping by the time I got there). Do something and do it now!

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  6. My I third the Plantar Faciitis suggestions and flip the bird to anonymous?
    Here's what helped mine:

    Lots of ice. My PT recommended freezing water in an empty soda can, and rolling my foot (it was only one) over it while I watched tv, computer, etc.

    Massaging the heck out of it before leaping out of bed in the morning. (Does it Really Hurt first thing in the morning? Then that, my deah, is the dreaded plantar faciitis.)

    Rubbing sport cream, aspercream or smelly ben gay on the area before bed or any time. There goes the sexy strappy sandals, but oh nevermind, you won't wear them anyway.

    Wear shoes All The Time. You get up, you put on shoes. Period. I keep my slippers (gel-filled slip on shoes - gotta have support) right beside my side of the bed. You get up in the morning for your sprint to the loo, you put on those shoesies.

    But go to a podiatrist anyway. You need good orthotics. The ones that they make the forms for by having you lay on your stomach with your feet hanging off the exam table, and they put plastar of paris on your resting feet - not standing.

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  7. plantar warts on bottoms of feet are helped using duck tape suffocating the wart causing it to subside do not touch your foot warty area then any other skin because wart germs spread readily best use duck tape on wart whenever wearing shoes then visit a dermatologist have the wart liquid nitro removed otherwise it will continue to grow deeper where all your nerve endings are - your FEET
    bone spurs create crippling pain and require an mri asap to contain possible tumors hie to a physician lest you require amputation or experience mutated cell spread affecting other body parts

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  8. Thank you for your comment, but my anonymous commenter Gabriella has advised me not to take medical advice from internetty weirdos.

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  9. Oh good luck with all that!! (I have no advice...)

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  10. ...except to find a good podiatrist! I'd recommend mine but she's in Virginia--and I don't even live there anymore!

    and feel better! you're a brave one to talk about feet when you don't like to talk about them, n'at.

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  11. Do you wear Crocs? I haven't seen any actual scientific evidence, but after a close friend and I both got Crocs and started wearing them all the time at home, we both got PF within several weeks of each other. She had to have surgery. I threw out my Crocs.

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Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.