My drug problem

Ordinarily when I have a cold I scrupulously avoid taking any real drugs, making do instead with things like Vick's VapoRub and a new box of Kleenex. I lie around, drinking tea I really can't taste, blowing my nose a lot. Suffering.

This is not because I'm some Vegan leftie-bolshie, Green, holistic Earth-First alternative medicine type. No, it's because I long ago discovered that pseudoephedrine does really, really weird things to me, even in its raw state. When you can get it in the form of CoTylenol, which is before it even gets to the meth lab.

I found this out back in the days when I had a job with sick days. Like everyone else who is normal, I refused to waste my sick days on something as wimpy as a cold. No, sick days were a little invisible bank that you robbed when you wanted a quick three-day weekend. When you had a cold, you went to work, and covered up your deception by taking something to dry up your nose. Like CoTylenol.

That's when I discovered that cold medicine makes me get weird weirder. As in, "still at the office at 7:30 p.m. on a Friday night because I've decided that The Files Must Be Completely Revamped!" weird. Or "awake at 3:00 in the morning, I shit you not, alphabetizing the spice rack" weird.

See? I knew that pseudoephedrine was not my friend way before crank was even invented, she said smugly.

But the cold that came and smacked me up the side of the head on Monday made my life a living hell. So I sent my husband out to buy me a bottle of NyQuil.

Now, I had never taken NyQuil before, because I thought it was for cramps, which I don't get. Mind you, it doesn't say anything about cramps on the label, and my evidence is purely anecdotal, but I had a roommate once who went through the stuff like a hot knife through butter, and it was always for cramps.

So anyway, I drank the NyQuil. Even though I didn't have cramps. And guess what? I LOVED IT. My cold disappeared almost immediately. I did not develop some rabid compulsion to completely reorganize my house. I slept like a baby. I felt great.

In fact, I still feel great, and I haven't had any NyQuil in over 24 hours. I'm a little worried now that a dose of NyQuil might have a half-life of three or four years ... but I don't care. I have seen the light. I'm all about the over-the-counter drugs now. I think I'll try Ben-Gay next. Or maybe Metamucil.