How you can tell I'm old

without even looking.

1. A telemarketer just called me trying to get me to donate money to the Republican National Committee.

2. The last movie I saw in a theater was Capote.

3. I ran out of ambition a long time ago. Although I still yearn to perfect my bra-ironing technique.

4. Empty-nesterdom sounds pretty nice. Sort of the way sky-box seats sound when you're in the bleachers wading through spilled beer.

5. Pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding, diaper rash, and car seats are becoming distant, dim memories, along the lines of my First French Kiss and Learning To Ride a Two-Wheeler.

6. I'll never live in my dream house. It's OK; I'll probably never be much of a housekeeper. Except for the way I totally plan to nail the bra-ironing event in the 20012 Olympics.

7. I don't feel the least bit ironic or poser-y wearing diamond jewelry, matching shoes and bag, a skirt suit, and a mink coat--even all at once. As long as my bra is ironed.

8. Charitable institutions are not just asking me for money; they want to talk to me in person. They even try to come to my house. (I don't let them. It would waste valuable bra-ironing time.)

9. I don't "get" Etsy. To me, the whole thing smacks of wrinkled bra cups.

I saved the most important for last:

10. I don't take shit from anyone.