Sunday, May 18, 2008

I give him a C+. But I'll keep him.

It's been a long day. So I stole this from blackbird.

According to Esquire Magazine, a man should be able to a lot of shit. blackbird decided to see what her husband could do. I figured I'd play, too. Here's the list:

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence.
Nope. He's not so much with the advice-giving. When he does, he does the conversational equivalent of a dog going around in circles before lying down. It takes him a while to get going, is what I'm saying.

2. Tell if someone is lying.
Oh yeah. Litigators tend to be good at this.

3. Take a photo.
Nope.

4. Score a baseball game.
Maybe. It's never come up.

5. Name a book that matters.
Definitely. And let me tell you--you've never heard of it.


6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.
What he can tell you about the NBC Orchestra will boggle your mind.

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.
He's actually better with the broiler.

8. Not monopolize the conversation.
This doesn't happen. He's a beautiful audience. (Why do you think I married him?)

10. Buy a suit.
He's OK, but tends to want to ignore the fact that he should really be wearing a short.

11. Swim three different strokes.
Probably. Back, crawl, and probably side.

12. Show respect without being a suck-up.
No. He doesn't tend to have to show a lot of respect. But he has great manners, so you can't tell.

13. Throw a punch.
He knows not to put his thumb inside his fist. Other than that, he knows no more than I do.

14. Chop down a tree.
Nope.

15. Calculate square footage.
Yes.

16. Tie a bow tie.
No, double-underlined.

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well.
Yes.


18. Speak a foreign language.
"Oui." "Ja." "Dooway" (Mandarin Chinese for "correct.")

19. Approach a woman out of his league.
Are you kidding me? He's a chick magnet. They go to him, baby.

20. Sew a button.
HAHAHAHAHAHA.

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.

Loves debating and wouldn't get xenophobic because that's stupid.

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn't have to ask after it.
Well. Now you know why we have cork-lined bedrooms. And what do you mean, "an orgasm?" Single orgasms are for pussies.

23. Be loyal.
Extremely.

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope.
Yes.

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.

No.

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.

No.

27. Play gin with an old guy.
No, but he plays gin with me. Do old girls count?

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.

Definitely. I think he invented quantum physics. At least, if all those sheets of paper covered with equations mean what I think they mean.

30. Feign interest.

Yes. Because I'm not always this fascinating.

31. Make a bed.

Yes.

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick.

Yes. But he might talk about "berries."

33. Hit a jump shot in pool.

Nope.

34. Dress a wound.

Yes. Boy Scouts again. But thank goodness, we've never had to see him do it.

35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil.

All the time, yes, and I don't know.

36. Make three different bets at a craps table.

No. Gambling doesn't interest him.

37. Shuffle a deck of cards.

Yes.

38. Tell a joke.

No. His job, should he choose to accept it, is to laugh at mine.

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.

No, because gambling doesn't interest him. But if you made him play blackjack, he'd be good at it, because he's all about math and statistics and computer programming and physics.

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear.

Yep.

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.

Yes, but I'm better at dealing with the help. Partly because I pushier, but mostly because I've been a waiter, so I know how to time and phrase my requests.

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear.

Definitely. All dogs are good dogs, and he tells them so. Unfortunately, he's allergic to dogs, so we can't have one.

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.

Yes. Yes. Maybe. Definitely: install a home theater, fix a computer, and get the wireless DSL working.

44. Ask for help.

Not so much.

45. Break another man's grip on his wrist.

HAHAHAHAHA maybe if you mean our son's.

46. Tell a woman's dress size.

No. Thank God.

47. Recite one poem from memory.

A children's one, probably.

48. Remove a stain.

No

49. Say no.

Yes.

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.

Yes.

51. Build a campfire.

Yes. Because he was a BOY SCOUT.

52. Step into a job no one wants to do.

Yes. And he's OK with it. I feel guilty, though.

53. Sometimes, kick some ass.

Not. at. all.

54. Break up a fight.

No.

55. Point to the north at any time.

Yes, but in Chicago, that's easy. Even I can do it. Even though I was never a BOY SCOUT.

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.

No. Well, I suppose he could, but this is not the sort of thing that would interest him. This seems like something someone would do who had an encyclopedia knowledge of pop music and a lot of time on his hands would do. Which is not my husband. He did like High Fidelity, though.

57. Explain what a light-year is.

Ab-so-fucking-lutely, and at the speed of light (or Mach-1, to the cognescenti.)

58. Avoid boredom.

Yes.

59. Write a thank-you note.

Can do. But I do it for him.

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product.

Liquor counts, right? Then totally.

61. Cook bacon.

Yes. Duh.

62. Hold a baby.

Hold and swaddle and give bottles and change diapers. He adores babies.

63. Deliver a eulogy.

Maybe. But I'll cut him some slack and write mine for him.


64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch.

He says Ferdinand and Isabella were much worse.

65-67. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.


No, no, no. I don't think he knows what any of that means.

68. Find his way out of the woods if lost.

Definitely. He's on his second GPS. Also? BOY SCOUTS.

69. Tie a knot.

Totally. Do I need to say it again? BOY. SCOUTS.

70. Shake hands.

Yes.

71. Iron a shirt.

Yes. But he sends his out.

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.

He carries a AAA card instead.

73. Caress a woman's neck. Back of your fingers, in a slow fan.

What the hell is this? Does this stupid magazine really think there's one correct way to please a woman? (Snort!)

74. Know some birds.

Raptors are his favorite. Mine, too. I love it when they caress the back of my neck with their flesh-ripping talons.

75. Negotiate a better price.

No. I do the bargaining.

I guess That Stud Muffin I Married flunked, but it's OK. I never wanted to marry an Esquire man.

If you're curious, read the article here--blackbird liked it.

Me? I was "meh" with it. I don't give a flying fuck about all that manly shit.

I mean, changing oil, forsooth. Why would you do that when it's easy and inexpensive to get someone to do it for you?

I figure a guy can be as ignorant as he wants about shit like that, as long as he can pay someone else to do for him. After all, if I expect a guy to change his own oil, doesn't that mean that some guy is going to expect me to sew my own clothes? Or bake my own bread?

Which, by the way, I can do.

And so can my husband.

6 comments:

  1. "Single orgasms are for pussies?" Was that a pun? What exactly are you packing over there, lady?

    I was too nice to say it over at Blackbird's, but I'll say it here: this list is stoopid. I hate it when journalists masturbate all over the page, man.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This list is ridiculous and I do believe I'm going to have to say something about it at my blog.

    ReplyDelete
  3. 1. After all these years you didn't think I was capable of making that bad a pun? Boy, have I got you snowed.

    2. I agree. Which is why I answered the questions kind of seriously, and then explained why I don't really give a shit.

    ReplyDelete
  4. So. I was feeling a little BLOCKED and I lifted some material, and everyone goes APESHIT.

    The LEAST someone could do is step up with FUCKING MEME.

    ReplyDelete
  5. LMAO. Like I said on Jen's post.. I was always fairly convinced I was married to a woman. Now I am sure.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Einstein is rolling in his grave: Mach 1 refers to the speed of sound. (On the other hand, I can't even pronounce "cognoscenti," even if I just found out it's spelled "cognoscenti.")

    But I still think you're brilliant.

    ReplyDelete

Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.