Wednesday, September 03, 2008

How to write a compelling blog entry

Rule Number 1: Whine a lot

It's almost midnight. I'm in my workout clothes, but I never worked out today.

Rule Number 2: Make yourself sound like a complete loser

And I never took a shower.

Rule Number 3: Ask rhetorical questions

Am I suffering from debilitating depression? No.

Rule Number 4: Throw in some self-deprecating humor

This morning at 9:00 I was eating breakfast and getting ready to work out by stoking myself with massive amounts of caffeine.

Rule Number 5: Throw in some local color

The doorbell rang. There was a young man on the front step. I figured he was some high school kid looking to park in my driveway (this happens a lot at the beginning of the school year.)

Rule Number 6: Remind everyone what a loser you are

Turns out it was the roof cleaning guy. Apparently the company I'd made a few desultory inquiries from had actually gone ahead and scheduled our cleaning job. I was planning on calling them to come--I really was--it's on my to-do list---so I figured what the hell. Let them do it.

Rule Number 7: Make a big deal out of nothing much. Income taxes, hang nails, or power-washing your roof all make splendid blog fodder

Well. Do you know what happens when a couple of guys climb up onto your roof and start power-washing it? (Let me start by stating that in the 10 years we've lived in this house, we've never cleaned the gutters or done anything to the roof. It looked like a moss farm.)

First of all, the noise will drive you crazy.

Second, your front and back steps will be covered with a thick layer of composting dead leaves, sticks, and moss so you can't walk out the door unless you're wearing hip boots.

Third, they'll set up an extension ladder in the driveway, so you can't drive anywhere, either.

Rule Number 8: Be sure to include some political humor


Then they will interrupt you to ask whether you have a can of wasp spray because they found "the mother of all wasp nests under the eaves." I know what you're thinking--what nonsense! The mother of all wasp nests is in Minneapolis/St. Paul making fun of Barack Obama.

Rule Number 9: State the obvious


Well, I don't know about you, but that was a hell of a nine hours.

Rule Number 10: Say something to remind everyone of your puckish sense of humor


Of course, now everything is great. The mess is gone, the evil biting insects are dead, and my front steps are immaculate. Our roof looks like it had a spa day, with a wax job followed by a Mystic Tan.

Rule Number Lagniape

What this town needs is a mayor. Like Ray Nagin. And a national guard. I mean, seriously, today I suffered more than the average citizen of New Orleans. If I had had any clue that I was going to undergo a Category 3 powerwashing, I would have evacuated the premises. And I might even have gotten on T.V. After all, I was unshowered and daubed with mulch. I looked like a refugee from a hurricane.

Before you know it, those pesky high school kids? The ones who always want to park in my driveway? Would be passing Coke cans down the hall to raise funds to benefit ME.

13 comments:

  1. i think those eleven steps would be a national bestseller. because yes huh.

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  2. I've never even heard of having the roof washed - but, then again, K seems to take great joy from cleaning our gutters so god only knows what he's done to the roof.

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  3. I'm in for a buck. Ten if I can come hang out in my sweats at your house.

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  4. Speaking of hurricane refugees...

    -J.

    P.S. Wasps sting, not bite.

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  5. J.--I take it you know this because you were watching them on television last night?

    MAW--Hey! You can come slob around with me for free.

    blackbird: It's a cedar shake roof, and we're surrounded by huge oak trees, so the moss grows thick and fast. And anyway, it's a good idea to seal and stain the roof once every decade or so. Which is expensive, messy, and noisy. But at least we're not in FL applying bleach to get rid of mildew. My m-i-l has to do that every year.

    katydidnot: The single most important issue is the whining. In fact, I'll express it in a haiku:

    A blog entry looms ...
    What can I whine about now?
    Hangnail ... or roof wash?

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  6. My carpet needs cleaning. It runs right up to the threshold of my spare bedroom/office. So I do not call for the much-needed cleaning. Because I don't think I can bear the open doors and the noise.

    If I do engage carpet cleaners, I will make sure to shower before they arrive. Thanks for the cautionary tale.

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  7. You know, I follow all of your bits of sage blog advice and STILL my blog's an extremely well-kept secret.

    Also, I really do pity you.

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  8. SarahO: Oh, come on. You get lots of perverts that never bother to come see me, unless it's to see Christina Aguilera's butt crack.

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  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  11. Hello. And Bye.

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  12. emm. amazing :)

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  13. ...please where can I buy a unicorn?

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Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.