Tuesday, January 27, 2009

52 Things that annoy, displease or otherwise offend Poppy Buxom:

52. Going to the beach.
51. Anti-semitism. These days it bothers me even more than racism.
50. Foodies. I like food and I'm a good cook, but if you start talking about pink Himalayan salt, I'll have to hurt you.
49. Boozies. Shut up and get drunk.
48. The fashion industry for deciding that everything 10 years old is hideous, but everything 20 years old is cool.
47. The fashion industry for making the revival of grunge and flannel not only inevitable, but predictable.
46. Those stickers on the outside of CDs.
45. The record industry for jacking up the price of recordings when they switched to CDs.
44. The record industry for whining when people bought MP3s instead.
43. Badly trained children.
42. Badly trained dogs.
41. Cars with filthy, smelly interiors.
40. Men who wear pants that are too short.
39. Women who wear bras that don't fit.
38. Forty-something women who refer to other women the same age as "girls."
37. Forty-something women who want to be referred to as "girls."
36. People who think sororities or fraternities are important when they're over 25.
35. People who are still all rah-rah about their college when they're over 35.
34. Highways that have rest areas 100 miles apart. I am not a camel.
33. Men who dye their hair.
32. Men who dye their facial hair.
31. People who talk about stuff like their operations or their sex lives without realizing that maybe the rest of the world is kind of squeamish and/or prudish. Because I am.
30. People who wear horrible looking clothes because "they're comfortable." Fine. But what harm have my eyeballs ever done you?
29. People who are constantly yakking on their cell phones.
28. 4:00 on Sunday afternoon.
27. When Blockbuster doesn't have the disk I want.
26. Muzak. Especially now that it's oldies.
25. Library fines. They should feel grateful they're getting my tax dollars, but no, they nickel and dime me to death.
24. The stubble-faced look guys have been working for far too long. Between Hugh Laurie and Patrick Dempsey, I have an overwhelming urge to mow my lawn, and it's January.
23. Family members who announce they're coming to stay with me.
22. Anyone who thinks it's cool to refer to executives as "the suits."
21. Women who refuse to age. Madonna is the Marlene Dietrich of our time. It's not glamorous, it's scary.
20. People who don't take their crying children out of a public gathering immediately, and I say "immediately" begins with the second audible squawk.
19. Fishing my family's underpants out of their clothes when I do the laundry.
18. Pizza crusts with cheese in them. Like it wasn't already fattening enough.
17. People who talk to me on airplanes. I'll play along, but I'll resent every second of lost "me" time.
16. Thomas Kinkade.
15. My daughter's Uggs.
14. People who talk about television. I worked in an office where every morning they rehashed last night's television programs. Then they moved on to what they had had for dinner. And they wonder why I quit.
13. People who talk about sex.
12. People who comment only to disagree with me. That's what the trash barrel button is for. This is not a democracy; it's a blogtatership.
11. The idea that because I blog, I'm a brand. Like what, Spandex? Playtex? Geritol?
10. Food with ingredients that get stuck in my teeth. Poppy seeds, I'm looking at you. (And don't think I'm not aware of your perfidy, spinach.)
09. Guys who talk around me at black tie events because I'm only a housewife. Believe it or not, this has actually happened. I know.
08. Piercings.
07. People who don't laugh at my jokes, and instead, tell me that I'm funny. Hey, mister state-the-obvious? Way to suck the oxygen out of the room.
06. Happy Meal toys.
05. Groups of teenagers. They're best sampled individually.
04. Getting older. My car, my house, my kids, and me.
03. Surprises.
02. My mother.
01. Know-it-all bloggers who use Avitable's posts as a base for complaining about everything under the sun.

23 comments:

  1. Oh I think I'd love you in person. We have much in common. And I'd yank my kids out of the room the second they began to whine or howl.

    Men dye their facial hair? Really?

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  2. Having issues today?

    I'm starting to think we can never meet in real life because I face the huge risk of pissing you off.

    Now I'm to check on the fit of my bras. Just in case.

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  3. You have "me time" on an airplane? (Oops. I'm sorry, my children's teachers will scold, so I am afraid I need to say "aeroplane" instead. But I am still asking.

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  4. Have a cup of tea, hon.

    I relish my time on planes.

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  5. GreenGirl: Check the men's products aisle at your local big Walgreen's. There are boxes of dye for their beards.

    Jen: No, just felt like starting a meme by ripping off Avitable. And don't think I'm miss perfect. I'm the one sitting here wearing comfy sweats and my left boob is trying to pop out of its bra cup.

    Duchess: On an airplane, the phone can't ring, my kids can't ask me for anything, and with luck, the person sitting next to me won't feel chatty. When I'm on an airplane, I like to read.

    blackbird: Sheesh, everyone thinks I'm acting all crabby. (How does Bager get away with it? She hates everything, but no one ever tries to talk her off the ledge.)

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  6. Did you see Sting at the Golden Globes? Sporting dark hair AND beard? Weird. Wrong. And unattractive.

    On the other hand, every single day I thank by best friend, Lady Clairol.

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  7. #49: As you wish, m'lady.

    Prost!

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  8. Guys cannot stand for a woman to be funny, and they always act surprised instead of laughing. Drives me crazy...

    I'm not a camel, either. What's up with that?

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  9. I absolutely loathe Thomas Kinkade.

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  10. You are incredibly clever and have me grinning at 8am. *THAT* in itself is a feat.

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  11. I read every word of this list and agree with many of the items. I think pre-teens in groups are far more horrifying--and haven't met many on an individual basis that I like much either (save my neice). You are right about Badger!

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  12. You had me at anti-semitism. I, too, pop out of my bra while condemning others who do so. And the only thing I want to do on an airplane is pop my valium and have an anxiety attack with as little fanfare as possible, thankyouverymuch. Oh, and people who tell you you're funny instead of just laughing? They're trying to dismiss you as a humor dilletante because you've edged in on what they consider their own piece of social real estate.

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  13. Does this mean we should be wishing you a happy 52nd birthday?

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  14. How about "What are you doing inside on such a nice day??" ;-p

    T.

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  15. Er - does this mean I get to post 55?
    I love flying because the 3-across seating means my dear husband sits with the boys. I read whilst sitting across the aisle. Family time, newly defined.

    And here; have some nice, dark chocolate with that cup of tea.

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  16. OK, I almost stopped because I love the beach, but then you were right on track with all the rest. Thank you!

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  17. Finally. Someone else who hates the beach. All that sand.

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  18. she was the daughter of a wealthy
    florentine pogen
    read em and weep was her adjustable slogan

    blogtatership rules

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  19. Lol! Yep, I agree with almost all of those. So irritating!

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  20. Fantastic!
    This was absolutely great and I loved reading it, so fun.

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  21. I am so with you on the 'girls' thing. My mother even says it sometimes. It dements me.

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Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.