You've probably heard about the freakily cold and snowy winter we've had this year. I mean, even if you live in Miami--like some people I know--you know that we've gone from wondering how much it would cost to convert the front hall closet into a wet bar (because who needs coats any more????) to inhabiting a landscape reminiscent of Jack London's worst nightmares.
Even at the best of times, I am a sedentary creature, and under the current weather conditions, I go out as little as possible. I have, I believe, spent every spare moment of the last two months huddled under a lap robe in front of a roaring flat screen working my way through entire seasons of Grey's Anatomy, House, 24, and Battlestar Gallactica. If cocooning were an Olympic event, I'd have a chestful of gold medals.
I'd also be popping out of my snappy red, white, and blue Olympic track suit.
People, those rumors you've heard are true. Sitting on your ass drinking wine watching fictional characters run fast, jump high, scale walls, and talk on their cell phones does not lead to a high degree of physical fitness.
Well, now I'm emerging from my cocoon. Yesterday I took my hair's frazzled ends and gray roots to the salon. Two and a half hours later, I emerged with the kind of bouncing and behaving hair you used to see in Salon Selectives ads.
Unfortunately, the rest of me is not bouncing and behaving. It's quivering and bulging, and I think I'm going to have to make an emergency run to Old Navy to find something to wear to Mrs. Fussypants' blogging conference. Or the other mommybloggers will point at me and laugh.
My other option is to show up in a Hefty Trash bag with Poppy Buxom business cards stuck on it with my kids' glue sticks. And only my hair emerging from the top.
So ladies, if you see a huge black plastic bag covered in business cards with a hank of freshly highlighted chestnut brown hair coming out of the top? Don't be shy--come say hello and take a card. Then pour a glass of wine into the hair end of the bag. Because I'm sure I'm going to need a drink.