Friday, February 20, 2009

Mental masturbation, or, what I learned from doing Blog365

First of all, I'm amazed I did it. OK, sure--to make sure I adhered to the letter of the law, I farted around with my date and time settings. And daily readers might have been a little confused at times, because sometimes I was blogging someplace other than here (like here or here or here or even here.) But I did it.

As far as I'm concerned, this is even more amazing than losing 30 pounds and keeping it off. Which (in case you haven't been keeping score) I haven't managed to do yet. And partly I blame blogging, because sitting on your rear end in front of your laptop is not conducive to weight loss. Even if you are exercising your fingers.

Well. Now that I've landed heavily (pun intended) on this side of the Blog365 experience, now that I could buy and wear a t-shirt saying

I bored the Internet for a year
and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

my primary response is: why? What good did it do?

Let's explore this question, shall we? Here are some not-very-frequently asked questions about Blog365--which I made up--and my answers--which I also made up.

1. Did Blog365 improve your writing? Maybe. It certainly made it go faster. Let's face it; do anything at all every day for a year--even masturbate--and you'll be able to do it faster.

2. But what about quality? Quality is an issue, even with masturbation. Say you masturbate and have a sort of half-hearted, not-particularly-intense orgasm. What do you do, complain that you don't love yourself anymore? Break up with yourself? No, you roll over and go to sleep. (That is, if you're female. I don't know what guys do. And I don't want to know, OK? This is a family blog.) Well, let's face it: quality is even more important when another person is involved, say, for example, with blogging, where you really do kind of hope a reader or two will materialize.

3. How much faster did your writing get? Much. And with not even that much of a diminution of quality. Like what I've typed so far? Took 94 seconds. Truth. But again--speed isn't the whole picture. I'll use my masturbation analogy again, because it's occurred to me that what this blog has needed all along is more talk about masturbation. So anyway, how impressive is the ability to have an orgasm after only 20 seconds of stimulation? It's efficient; it would make a good party trick, but in the larger scheme of things, aren't we really looking for something more intense? I believe that we are.

4. Would you say then that the internet meme is the Hitachi Magic Wand of blogging? I would indeed. Memes get the job done, but they're not especially memorable.

5. What advice would you give to other people about to embark upon Blog365? Keep all of your drafts; break down long posts into shorter posts; write reviews; write reactions to other blog posts; make fun of the government, religion, or your family. And when inspiration fails, fire up the Hitachi.


  1. Possibly your funniest post yet. And certianly one guaranteed to get you massive goggle hits!


  2. Or consider getting sick for an entire month and write about THAT. It's working GREAT for me.

  3. This post made me laugh so hard! Well written, in what...180 seconds?

  4. Interesting comparisons between blogging and sex, especially since both can be done alone, but are more fun if someone joins in.

  5. Hey. Wait. I didn't even recognize you for a second there....

    Now, I'm going to see if this Hitachi thing is available online.

  6. Whoa, who is authoring this blog, Poppy was upset about sex talk in school, a family blog with all the cursing, now masturbation, hot damn

  7. Fiddledeedee: People will certainly goggle!

    Badger: Another approach is blogging about how you can't sell your house, or how messy and uncooperative your teenaged children are, or that you're constipated. Blogs that specialize in these topics reel in the readers.

    BadCat: You are a Good Cat.

    Deborah: I also make the important point that blogging is like eating. Do enough of it and you'll get fat.

    blackbird: I'm trying to wean you off television.

    Stilletto Mom: Actually, I said it a few times. Multiple times. I'm a multiple masturbator mentioner.

    Ree: Yeah, I don't know about the tarted up template. Is it untrue to the lazy ass Poppy who has been using the Blogger default for almost five years?

    Anonymous: I'm innocent! My account was hacked! My Hitachi Magic Wand shorted out my brain!

  8. Shouldn't mental masturbation be something you do secretly, all by yourself, and nobody knows about it but a hot pink rabbit?

  9. You forgot to mention posting photos...lots and lots of photos. Of random things. Like snails. And moss. And tree branches. And your dog. Then add a few nonsensical, self-involved sentences...aaaand you're done! Post. Thankyouverymuch.

  10. Wow, makes me want to masturbate, I mean, blog a lot.

    So happy to find you, funny lady.

  11. You crack me up.

    And you're right, who's got all that spare time on their hands to masturbate what with having to stimulate the uh, economy. Quick in, quick out...that's my motto.


Gentle Readers:

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xxx, Poppy.