Thursday, February 26, 2009

How to go to a blogging conference, Part 1: Don't bring your Hitachi Magic Wand

Confession time: I was totally in love with my last post. I was so in love with it that we got married. And no matter how old and shop-worn my last post got, I couldn't bear to dump it in favor of a younger, thinner trophy post.

What was so special about it?

I lost my blogging Hitachi Magic Wand virginity in that post. You see, I'd been blogging for almost five years, and yet somehow, I'd never mentioned the Hitachi Magic Wand before. But then I did. And the earth moved.

But now it's time to move on. Because sex isn't everything. And neither are Hitachi Magic Wands.

Now, a while ago, when Blissdom09 was winding down, I told the internet I was going to write a post about how to go to a blogging conference. With BlogHer looming on the horizon, I figured that now was as good a time as any to make good on this threat.

I could get all demure here and say that having attended precisely two blogging conferences, I'm not exactly an expert. But the way I see it, blogging is like a virtual literary pyramid scheme where everyone who starts blogging inspires 1,000 other people to start blogging, too. That means you're a newbie for maybe a month. There will always be lots more people who know even less than you do. So you might as well go ahead and call yourself an expert. Since I've been blogging for almost five years, I'm probably your blogging great-great-grandmother. So pipe down, you whippersnappers, and listen up.

If you go to a blogging conference, you'll hear all about Search Engine Optimization, or SEO. And if you're like me, you'll pretty much zone out, because who cares, right?

And yet, like me, you'll eventually realize that you might pick up a few extra hits by mentioning the Hitachi Magic Wand every other sentence. And you'll probably pick up a few more hits by using pictures that you stole from a sex toy website and then renamed

PoppyBuxom_says_thats_not_where_you_use_a_HitachiMagic
Wand.jpg
.


Or


PoppyBuxom_doesnt_actually_own_a_HitachiMagicWand.jpg.

And I don't. But if you do, don't bring it to a blogging conference. First of all, you're going to have to go through airport security, and it could be embarrassing. I mean, look at that thing. It's as long as my arm.

And anyway, what you really need to bring is business cards. At least 200 of them. There are lots of places that can make them for you. And keep them handy--stash a few in your pockets, in your laptop case, in your purse. Get so you can hand over a business card within seconds of meeting someone. Keep a pen handy for notes.


You'll notice I use my avatar on mine. I do this to cushion the blow people feel when they discover that I'm not a semi-nude 23-year old Parisian with poppies in my hair. Now that I've clued you in, when I hand you my card you'll have your pen ready, and you'll be able to write THE MIDDLE-AGED BLABBERMOUTH WHO DOES NOT RESEMBLE HER AVATAR AT ALL on the back before you throw it away.

Next up: How to go to a blogging conference, Part 2: What to bring home. Stick around. This post will probably be my dirty mistress for a while, but Part 2 will show up eventually.

15 comments:

  1. I love your sense of humor, especially because I have none of my own.

    Next year I'll be more prepared with the business cards. Very smart to put your avatar as the graphic. I had the hardest time matching faces to blogs.

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  2. When I first started reading this post, I was beginning to wonder if all this hype meant I should go spend all that birthday money on a Magic Wand. At least now I know to spend it on business cards.

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  3. ...and the hits just keep on...um, COMING?

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  4. I'm afraid of any avatar and/or animated image, especially after I tried the Wii Fit and my Mii turned into the Stay Puff Marshmallow Mii while the floating head insulted me.

    Thank you for the helpful tips; however, you may want to consider addressing other pressing issues such as, What are the hours of drink service at these conferences and do they serve Kettle One??

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  5. Actually, I'm vaguely disappointed in this post. The first thing I thought when I read the title was, "Wow! Women's blog conferences have the Best Goody Bag Giveaways Ever." Sigh. But I shall recover from my disappointment, for now I know the two keys to blogging success: liberal use of the Hitachi Magic Wand and business cards. Key information for a still-newbie blogger like me.

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  6. I can't imagine traveling with one of these. A few months ago, while packing for my honeymoon, I spent an hour worrying about packing my curling iron. I had horrible premonitions of airport security seeing its vaguely suggestive outline, looking at me with raised eyebrows (...you look like you're going on your honeymoon...what do you need THIS for?), and questioning my pure upbringing. I imagined myself screaming, "I use it to curl my hair! It's a curling iron! ...For hair!" But, please. That's just about as convincing as, "Oh, that? It's a ... neck massager."

    I've just discovered your blog. I'm fairly certain that this is love.

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  7. I'm one of the few people who can say that my business card has a picture of a Hitachi Magic Wand on it.

    - Owner of TheMagicWandShop.com

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  8. People!!! Did you see that?????

    A Hitachi Magic Wand just left a comment!

    I.

    Have.

    ARRIVED.

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  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  10. The magic wand hath spoken -- and I'm more than impressed.

    This incident alone has elevated you to idol status. I raise my glass of embarrassingly cheap wine to you.

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  11. A fabulous follow-up with maximum magic wand references. Well done! This blog is positively buzzing with energy...much like the Hitachi Magic Wand. Or so I've heard.

    I'm proud of all you learned at Blissdom. Can't wait for part two.

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  12. Wait, you aren't a semi nude 23 year old parisian with poppies in her hair?? Now I'm all freaked out because I don't know who that half naked chick was I was talking to who passed herself off as you...weird.

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  13. I can't believe I got suckered in by mention of the Hitachi Magic Wand, only to find out this was a blogging conference post. I cry foul!

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  14. You're killin' me. You are just so very clever and funny!

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Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.