Then J-Lo reached puberty, "Baby Got Back" was released, and I developed a brand new thing to be insecure about. (At the age of 36, for heaven's sake.)
Well guess what? Aging hasn't helped my situation. Naturally, an aging butt gets less perky--doesn't everything?--but squats take care of that. No, the problem is the way our body weight shifts around.
Basically, as our estrogen supplies dip, women start to put weight on in the places where men get heavy. We start to store more fat in the belly and arms, and we lose volume in the areas women traditionally store fat: the hips, thighs and buttocks.
And this means that a surprising number of middle-aged women are walking around with elephant butt.
I don't have the recipe for acquiring ripe, round buttocks. I didn't know how to do it when I was in my 20s, so you know I can't help now.
But I do know that a lot of women aren't checking out the rear view when they get dressed. And they should. There are an awful lot of scrawny butts walking around.
Basically, there's lean, and then there's dessicated. De-sexed. Let's face it: a hollow-cheeked look isn't attractive--not even when it's behind you.
Here's what helps my rear view:
- I wear jeans with 1 to 2 percent Spandex in a tight weave.
- I wear a pair of jeans once, launder them, or at least hang them up and rest them before I wear them a second time. A lot of experts will advise you to lengthen the life of your designer jeans by wearing them many times without washing them. Hahahahahaha! No. That way lies elephant butt.
- If I notice that a new pair of jeans droops before lunchtime, they go on my naughty list. Right now Christopher Blue is at the top of my naughty list. On the other hand, I'm liking Not Your Daughter's Jeans.
Not My Butt modeling Not Your Daughter's Jeans
- When it comes to fit, I compromise. If my jeans zip easily and completely disguise my tummy, they'll be falling off my butt by lunchtime. So I go a size down to get the right fit through the butt, then disguise my tummy the best I can.
I admit that I'm not exactly a fount of ideas for enhancing one's rear view, so your comments and suggestions would be especially appreciated this time. Please? (I'm begging here.)