Friday, April 02, 2010

30 Days to 10 years younger--10 minute tips. Tip 29: Use your rear-view mirror

Would somebody please explain how I managed to grow up believing that butts didn't matter? I swear nobody noticed them much in the 60s, 70s, or 80s. We didn't want them to stick out-- it would ruin the line of our dresses or skirts. It wouldn't be ladylike. Those were halcyon days for the booty-less. Butts simply weren't all that important.

Then J-Lo reached puberty, "Baby Got Back" was released, and I developed a brand new thing to be insecure about. (At the age of 36, for heaven's sake.)

Well guess what? Aging hasn't helped my situation. Naturally, an aging butt gets less perky--doesn't everything?--but squats take care of that. No, the problem is the way our body weight shifts around.

Basically, as our estrogen supplies dip, women start to put weight on in the places where men get heavy. We start to store more fat in the belly and arms, and we lose volume in the areas women traditionally store fat: the hips, thighs and buttocks.

And this means that a surprising number of middle-aged women are walking around with elephant butt.

I don't have the recipe for acquiring ripe, round buttocks. I didn't know how to do it when I was in my 20s, so you know I can't help now.

But I do know that a lot of women aren't checking out the rear view when they get dressed. And they should. There are an awful lot of scrawny butts walking around.

Basically, there's lean, and then there's dessicated. De-sexed. Let's face it: a hollow-cheeked look isn't attractive--not even when it's behind you.

Here's what helps my rear view:

  • I wear jeans with 1 to 2 percent Spandex in a tight weave.
  • I wear a pair of jeans once, launder them, or at least hang them up and rest them before I wear them a second time. A lot of experts will advise you to lengthen the life of your designer jeans by wearing them many times without washing them. Hahahahahaha! No. That way lies elephant butt.
  • If I notice that a new pair of jeans droops before lunchtime, they go on my naughty list. Right now Christopher Blue is at the top of my naughty list. On the other hand, I'm liking Not Your Daughter's Jeans.

Not My Butt modeling Not Your Daughter's Jeans
  • When it comes to fit, I compromise. If my jeans zip easily and completely disguise my tummy, they'll be falling off my butt by lunchtime. So I go a size down to get the right fit through the butt, then disguise my tummy the best I can.

I admit that I'm not exactly a fount of ideas for enhancing one's rear view, so your comments and suggestions would be especially appreciated this time. Please? (I'm begging here.)


  1. I understand there are two ways women can age: sagging or wrinkling. I would have preferred to be a wrinkler, my developing jowls say differently. The other pants sagging problem? The crotch! No WOMAN wants a bulge there! Ack.

  2. I don't know what brand they are but the white jeans you wear? Fabulous.
    I'd also mention that perhaps, at a certain age, women might consider allowing their blouses/shirts/tees to gently graze the line near the hip bone rather than tucking them in...

  3. Don't look at me, yo. My butt was flat as a pancake until I got pregnant with the girl child, at which point I developed a massive bubble butt that seems to shrink only 1/100th of a millimeter every year. I mostly try not to leave my butt exposed too much by wearing longer shirts, etc.

  4. Bioidentical hormones keep the butt "up there" but not everyone wants them. The issue is primarily hormone balance though, with testosterone being the last to wane, so we have a little too much of it and get the thick abdomen, smaller boobs and butts, thinner hair, shrinking muscle mass and little hairy things sprouting out all over the face.

    On that happy note... My rear is the same size and shape due to insanely long hours at the gym and the BioID hormones. I've never liked it "hanging out there" though, not even in well-fitting jeans with a bit of spandex. So I always cover it with long shapewear or tanks. Yummie Tummie is my current rave. They do these really long tanks that cover your assets. These have the benefit of also making you look like a long, lean, sexy machine (which I'm not, at least in the "sexy" definition).

    I also have a little wrap that I bought from Treehouse 28 on Etsy. It just whips around the hips, and looks très cool over a tee and jeans.

    Super post Poppy!

  5. Dang, where have you been all my life? I'm loving your advice. I have been wanting to try the Not My Daughter's Jeans jeans. I don't know where to get them. Must google.

  6. I have a flat-ish butt, but I'm heavy. I'm heavy on the top half, so I sort of have that "mashmallow-sitting-on-two-toothpicks" look. I also seem to have a really low rise to my hips. Regular jeans go up to my ribcage, a huge problem I had in the 80's and 90's, and I wore men's jeans to compensate. Now there are hiphuggers, and oh joyous day! Hiphuggers hit me right at my own personal natural waist, leaving me to forget my flat butt that is now looking okay, and able to concentrate on the marshmallow sitting below my boobies.

  7. Trouser style jeans! They have helped my "no butt" for 36 years. Make sure it is a sophisticated, dark wash. Yes, trouser jeans all the way to the flat behind!

  8. nothing wrong with a good foundation garment, I say. Remember Tootsie? Remember the girdle he/she wore, with the built-in butt bumps? They're out there.
    Personally, I have a butt, and it's not yet saggy. A little larger than I'd like, but you can't have everything.
    my mom has no butt - genetics - and I can tell you, those expensive not-my-daughters jeans she got? totally working for her.

  9. Stay away from the pocket-less jeans - no matter if you have a butt or not, they emphasize it to no good end!


Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.