Tuesday, June 15, 2010

What do you mean, women don't like using maps?

Hi internet! Listen, I know I've been neglecting you shamefully lately. But I have excuses. Many, in fact.

Mr. Buxom, also known as "Counselor Whup Ass" has been out of town
ruthlessly horsewhipping Intelletual Property scofflaws
at a trial, and I've been the only parent to help with my wonderful, talented children--children whose talents involve lots of driving around and listening to music and cramming for exams and shopping for camp clothes, not to mention the camps themselves. Plus the usual groceries, laundry, cooking, mopping up spills and teenaged angst and what not.

Then there's all that volunteer bullshit I'm always whining about (see tags) like my own talented musical performances and the desktop publishing I'm doing for a non-profit even as we speak. In fact, I'm only here because I'm waiting on some proofs.

But what has suffered? MY BLOG, thank you very much. And MY READERS.

Well, listen, readers--one of the things that has been vexing me has been my printer's inability to scan anything. I had all these pictures I wanted to show you, and the stupid HP All-in-one had become a Part-in-one. And then, a couple of weeks ago, it even balked at printing and morphed into the world's largest paperweight. So I did the smart thing. I checked out the reviews of the HP PhotoSmart C4280 All-In-One printer on Amazon. And I discovered that's it's not me; it's HP.

So I bought a new printer. And I just scanned my first scan! Voila:

Now, other than playing with the new printer, why the scan?

It's to even the playing ground. Because a lot of the time, makeup instructions are written by makeup fanatics for makeup fanatics. I mean, I love MakeupAlley, but with all the talk about the back wedge,  tightlining, and waterlining, those women aren't speaking English.  If you aren't all makeup, all the time, you won't know what they're talking about.

Even makeup fanatics who write books forget to talk down to their readers. Where's Makeup for Dummies when you need it?

But Gentle Reader(s), this is Makeup for Dummies. And I promise, I'll never forget to talk down to you.

So check out this map. Study it. Learn the terminology. Refer back to it. Copy it onto the top of your left hand with a Sharpie. Tattoo it to the small of your back. Be the ball, Danny.

And get ready for Eye Shadow 101.


  1. Yes, ma'am! and thanx for the downtotalking. ;-)

  2. Oh no! Insteps! The one on my foot is already too high! Another one? I assume you will help us cope...

  3. "Be the ball, Danny." HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Good thing I'm taking a mental health day today or I would have just snorted really loudly in my office.

    Who knew eye shadow application was so scientific? I got some learnin' to do.

  4. And please explain what the hell to do when the top crescent is now sagging completely over the bottom crescent. Short of surgery, I mean. Unless there are surgery scholarship. That would bring out my competitive side.

  5. All I wanna say, is YAY! You're back.

    thank you. I need to know what color lipsticks are in for summer.

    Hurry, please...

  6. As long as there's catseye liner...

  7. I'mm all ears AND eyes (technically divided as per map).

  8. Thank you--I've got it memorized and SO appreciated the Caddyshack reference.

  9. Poppy,

    I'm sitting here reading your post and laughing like a lunatic,my husband was intrigued enough to read it and started laughing too re: HP all-in-one (large paperweight, LMAO). We only a month ago had the exact thing happen with ours and purchased a new gaget.
    I am sincerely grateful for the paint by numbers makeup tutorial,I sooo need it. Now we've a new printer I'm running it off and tacking it inside my makeup kit (which is almost a trunk at this point)
    Have a great weekend. Love your blog,thanks again!
    elise ox


Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.