Thursday, March 17, 2016

Elle Magazine reveals the big trends for next fall

And asks, "Why not get a jump on wearing them now?"

Well, why not? Let's investigate. The following is a list of the trends, illustrated with pictures of the items Elle recommends, and enriched with my thoughts about them.

Velvet


Why not velvet? At this time of year? And they give us this example?




Because a velvet bikini reminds me of this




only slightly less fuzzy. Velvet, leather, fur? Just sells us a paper bikini and get it over with.

David Bowie Platform Boots



Why not?


Because buying and wearing these monstrosities will not bring him back to life.

Patent trench coats


Are we OK with patent trench coats?


Well ... yes. But only over this dress.


Our BFF Katy Perry

If you put the shiny, water-resistant coat on top of the spandex cupcakes dress, you would create a wipes-clean-with-a-damp-cloth situation that would be beyond belief, and completely avoid the tragic MacArthur Park scenario we've heard so much about. No cakes would be left out in the rain.

Schoolgirl pinafores (what Americans call "jumpers")


Why not?



Because we're grown-ups?

Hoodies

 

Why not hoodies? Hello?




We already are.

Statement chokers  (NOT those bitty beaded ones from the 90s)


Why not?



Because Downton Abbey is off the air?




Also? Dumb.


Down jackets


Oh come on.
Patagonia down jacket


What the hell? Do Elle's reporters email their articles from Aix-en-Provence? Have they not experienced winter in Manhattan?

Earth to Elle: Already wearing them. Have been for years.

Just watch. Next, Elle will tell us about this kicky new style the cool kids refer to as "underwear."





7 comments:

  1. Wow, that's a lot of 70s-via-the-90s badness. And for some reason I feel like wet, stretchy velvet would feel really gross on the skin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Upon seeing the velvet bikini, the phrase that leaped to mind was "y**st inf****on."

      Delete
  2. That patent trench coat would make a lot of noise when walking in it (especially if its raining !) wouldn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think it would. Other than the down jacket, I think it's the only even partially acceptable item. In the northern hemisphere, arguing in favor of getting a start on fall fashion is already a dumb idea, but if winter-fabric bikinis are the only examples you can show to bolster your argument, you might as well not bother.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I could actually feel the weighty sag of a wet velvet bikini. Ew.

    On the other hand, I actually like both of those chokers. I probably couldn't wear them because I have a short neck, but I think they would look great above a simple neckline.

    Lastly, I would wear all of the other items at one time before I would wear a patent trench. The noise with every movement would make me batty until I expired from overheating inside it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I have a soft spot for the patent trench because I may or may not have fond memories of Buffy Summers wearing something like it on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. OK, maybe not patent, but she wore tons of leather.

      Delete
  5. I'm fairly certain I HAD a velvet swimsuit.
    That is all.

    ReplyDelete

Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.