What Not to Wear: the Perfume Edition

A friend of mine told me once that her favorite fragrance is J. Lo Glo, but when asked what's she's wearing, she tends to lie about it. She's embarrassed about wearing a celebrity fragrance.

I get it. I would be humiliated if I was caught wearing a pop star fragrance. But J. Lo Glo is a special case. It came out in 2002, which, in perfume years, about a hundred years ago. It's the Ur-pop-celebrity fragrance; the Ur-soapy-clean-skin fragrance. In that way, J. Lo Glo is as noteworthy as Shalimar, L'Eau D'Issey, or Chanel No. 5.

I have to admit it, but I'm equally put off by those word salad flanker-of-a-flanker fragrances. Who's going to wait around while you reel off a mouthful like "Miss Dior Addict Sexy Hippy Dreams Oceanic Blue Cherie." By the time you get to the end of the sentence, they've wandered off to find somebody more interesting to talk to. In these cases, some editing is called for.

And then there are perfume names that are just jaw-dropping. You can't imagine what the marketing team was thinking about. To see what I mean, just imagine that you're wearing one of these, under certain circumstances, and somebody compliments you on your perfume.

 

You're on a first date

Playboy Play it Spicy

Having your gray roots touched up at the salon

Baby Doll

Being introduced to the pastor of an Evangelical church

Darwin

Being introduced to the wife of the pastor of an Evangelical church 

Desperate Housewives Forbidden Fruit

Hooray, another first date! This time you're wearing

Fcuk Friction

OK, this time, you're on a first date with a man who has been divorced twice

GREEDY ESSENCE

Luckily you're in Japan, so nobody balks when you tell them you're wearing

Happy Pillow

At your AA meeting, right after reciting the Serenity Prayer, someone asks you what you're wearing and you have to tell them

JUNKY

You're feeling fat, and yet you have to go shopping for a bathing suit. A perfect day to wear

Jungle Elephant

They wonder whether they need to get their hearing checked when they hear

Lady Mac Steed Prune Tartan

Finally, your fell scheme is made perfectly clear when you admit to wearing

 

Puzzle Friends

Finally, there's one I wouldn't wear if you paid me. On the other hand, I might buy a bottle and put it in my daughter's Christmas stocking.

I'll bet you can't guess her name.