Thursday, March 31, 2016

What Not to Wear: the Perfume Edition

A friend of mine told me once that her favorite fragrance is J. Lo Glo, but when asked what's she's wearing, she tends to lie about it. She's embarrassed about wearing a celebrity fragrance.


I get it. I would be humiliated if I was caught wearing a pop star fragrance. But J. Lo Glo is a special case. It came out in 2002, which, in perfume years, about a hundred years ago. It's the Ur-pop-celebrity fragrance; the Ur-soapy-clean-skin fragrance. In that way, J. Lo Glo is as noteworthy as Shalimar, L'Eau D'Issey, or Chanel No. 5.

I have to admit it, but I'm equally put off by those word salad flanker-of-a-flanker fragrances. Who's going to wait around while you reel off a mouthful like "Miss Dior Addict Sexy Hippy Dreams Oceanic Blue Cherie." By the time you get to the end of the sentence, they've wandered off to find somebody more interesting to talk to. In these cases, some editing is called for.

And then there are perfume names that are just jaw-dropping. You can't imagine what the marketing team was thinking about. To see what I mean, just imagine that you're wearing one of these, under certain circumstances, and somebody compliments you on your perfume.

 

You're on a first date


Playboy Play it Spicy

Having your gray roots touched up at the salon


Baby Doll




Being introduced to the pastor of an Evangelical church



Darwin




Being introduced to the wife of the pastor of an Evangelical church 


Desperate Housewives Forbidden Fruit




Hooray, another first date! This time you're wearing


Fcuk Friction




OK, this time, you're on a first date with a man who has been divorced twice


GREEDY ESSENCE


Luckily you're in Japan, so nobody balks when you tell them you're wearing



Happy Pillow


At your AA meeting, right after reciting the Serenity Prayer, someone asks you what you're wearing and you have to tell them


JUNKY





You're feeling fat, and yet you have to go shopping for a bathing suit. A perfect day to wear


Jungle Elephant



They wonder whether they need to get their hearing checked when they hear


Lady Mac Steed Prune Tartan



Finally, your fell scheme is made perfectly clear when you admit to wearing

 

Puzzle Friends

Finally, there's one I wouldn't wear if you paid me. On the other hand, I might buy a bottle and put it in my daughter's Christmas stocking.

I'll bet you can't guess her name.



9 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHA
    Love them all, but Lady Mac Steed Prune Tartan is my favorite because it sounds like Sarah Palin came up with it because it sounded fancy.

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    1. And she can smell it from her porch!

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  2. I have tears in my eyes as I type this from laughing at this post. SO FUNNY! I love Happy Pillow best, just hilarious. Thank you for the best laugh I have had in two days! xx

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    1. Thanks!

      We have a "Princess Flower" Zojirushi rice cooker. On the side in tiny letters it says "There are nice goods nearby. Come hither. Come hither. Come hither." Things like that force me to become a cultural critic!

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  3. OMG! I am laughing out loud! :DD

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    1. I take it you're a Happy Pillow? ;-)

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  4. I love everything about this! Also, I love the name Alice. ALSO, Lady Mac Steed Prune Tartan is my rapper name. I am calling it.

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    1. I read your comment to my husband and he cracked up. I like that he'll laugh appreciably not just at my witticisms, but also those of my friends. It shows the right spirit. To show my gratitude, I will refrain from showing him your latest Cute Boy Friday.

      I love the name Alice, but let me tell you, my inner compulsive Must Buy All The Things side came roaring forth when I realized I was expecting a girl. Luckily Pinterest hadn't been invented yet, or she would have had a Wonderland-themed bedroom, complete with me dressed up as the Red Queen.

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  5. I will never look at perfume again in the same way! LOL

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Gentle Readers:

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xxx, Poppy.