How do I hate these jeans? Let me count the ways.

I realize that I'm not Anthropologie’s demographic. I never was, even back when they used to send me massive catalogues filled with pictures of young women modeling boho clothes while lounging on a sofa upholstered in antique Breton quilts or some shit. 

But what is wrong with these jeans? Let’s see:

 

1. Cropped. And flared. CROPPED AND FLARED.

This is no way to talk us out of our skinny jeans. I mean, the shoe problem alone leaves me baffled. None of my usual choices would work. Obviously I’d need to shop for a pair of cream-colored pointy-toed mules at Aladdin’s Cave of Wonders, Inc. 

2. No front pockets. 

Not even one of those vestigial watch pockets you still find on Levi’s.

3. Do I spot a puckered seam on that back pocket? 

How did that make it through the shoot/editing/uploading process? 

4. Unfortunately, in real life it is impossible to photoshop my belly. 

Believe me, I've tried.

5. These are pull-on pants, which means that's a decorative fly.

Which means these are cropped, flared, pocket-challenged jeggings. 

Thank you, next.