Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Good, The Bad, and the Fugly

OK, here's the thing about French Pedicures. I guess they might be OK. As in this example, which if a bit foot-fetishistic, is tasteful enough:

The thing is, this is obviously the foot of a foot model. She has the kind of feet that slobbery foot fetishists go nuts over. They're not just perfectly-groomed; they're perfect. And let's face it; most of us don't have such great-looking feet.

And if you think that great-looking feet like that are to be found walking around in stiletto-heeled sandals, think again. That model probably showed up for the shoot in Uggs, or something similar. She probably got pedicured, climbed into the sandals, and spent just long enough in them to get the shot, then got the hell out of them. Because the only thing foot models model is their feet, and their feet have to be perfect.

So you see, the fashion industry is doing the old smoke and mirrors thing. Again. So many, many idiotic women look at a photograph like that and believe that with a strip of white polish, and maybe a toe ring, such elegance will be theirs! But, of course, they're wrong, as the following photograph proves:

See, it doesn't matter how thick your pedicure's accent is. It can be as Frrrrrench as it wants. It can talk just like Pepe le Pew--it still doesn't change the fact that you have absurdly. stumpy. little. toes. See how that sandal's sole sticks out past the toes like a diving-board? We shouldn't be able to see it, dear. Please do us a favor and ditch the sandals. Closed toe shoes are your friend. (Even if the shoe tips eventually curl up like something only a Medieval jester or Aladdin would wear, it would still be an improvement. It would at least spare us the sight of your fat little piggies.)

Then there are the ladies who believe that if a little strip of white polish is good, more white polish is better. So the white part get bigger and bigger and whiter and whiter and we start to wonder "Ew, how long are her toenails, anyway?"

And then the real danger begins. Once you think you can grow your toenails as long as you want--because as long as they're painted a lighter color, everything's OK--things can spiral rapidly out of control. Do we want door number one, or do we want to get risky and see what's behind door number two? Do we want the lady ... or the tiger?


  1. This past winter I tried artificial fingernails. I loved the way the short ones looked but loathed the way they felt. Mind you, I bought mine at the Jewel.

    I've noticed fake French toenails, too. I'm sure they look great but my very first thought was "How horrible will these feel under the topsheet?"

    Then I saw a woman in Highland Park, Land of Fakenails, who had fake French toenails. She was no foot model but her toes looked FABULOUS.

    Yours look good, too, I hasten to add. Please wear flat sandals whenever we get around to meeting at The Butt'ry(?). I'll be hobbling in fakes.

  2. Uh oh.

    I see I must correct a misunderstanding.

    Confession time: I don't do fake nails. Nor do I do French manicures or pedicures. I mostly skip manicures and in the summer, when I think someone might notice, I'll do an American pedicure.

    None of those toes is mine. I stole the toes off the Innernet. I was looking for gross pictures, and I like to think I succeeded. Especially with the tiger claws--ewwwwwwwwwww!

    So when we meet at the Butt'ry (where is that, anyway?) I'll wear closed toe shoes. That way you can blog about how I probably have plantar warts, toenail fungus, and long curling toenails with decals and airbrushing. Hee!

  3. Goodness, there was no misunderstanding about your toenails. I just started riffing on fake nails. My gym (and practically every other place I go) is in Highland Park and, seeing all the perfect manicures there I suffer from nail envy. Lake Forest women have unnoticable nails. Well, I do, anyway.

    But I must admit I thought the nice looking toenails were yours.

    As for the tiger claws...eeep.

  4. I think I had nightmares about those feet in the last picture last night after reading this. Seriously.

  5. Just EWE! I was going to paint my toes for spring, now I think I'll just go find a pair of boots or somethng.

  6. oh.my.sweet.jesus.


    i hate feet.

    and long nails.

    and feet with long nails.


Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.