The two-party system is fattening.

I weigh in on Tuesdays now, and this morning, I was delighted to tip the scales at a mighty 171.6. This means I currently weigh less than I have since 2005 or some such. And that I could weigh 160-something by Thanksgiving.

I'm losing weight at a rate of less than a half pound a week, which is healthy and prudent and allows me to eat and drink as much like a normal person as possible. But at times, the process feels as slow and tedious and mind-numbing as a descriptive passage by Anthony Trollope. Maybe even Henry James.

At any rate, I was all calloo, callay this morning, so I decked myself out in my new cute color-blocked cashmere dress.

Magaschoni Colorblock Cashmere Dress

Which I bought recently, and is now on sale for $139.

Anyway, I voted, and then I went to a ladies' luncheon at a ladies' club in Chicago, where I inhaled everything they served me. I really intended to have some broth or something for dinner.

And I stuck to my resolution and fed the kids and sat down in front of the television to watch election returns.

Well, honestly, who knew that Presidential elections were so fattening? I sat there and listened to the talking heads, switching from ABC (where Diane Sawyer looked great) to Fox (where I was extremely disturbed by Megyn Kelly's helmet head) to MSNBC (where I tried to tell whether Rachel Maddow was wearing false eyelashes). Hey, this is gripping stuff, people! 

But no matter what I watched, Messieurs Obama and Romney acted like a pair of groundhogs and refused to come out and give their speeches.

Meanwhile, I ate the leftover pasta carbonara and broccoli, then started to wolf down every disgusting snack in the house. I ate Junior Mints and Cheddar Flavored Sun Chips and Amstel Lite and a Skinny Cow Fudge Bar and an entire punnet of fresh strawberries.

I'm not going anywhere near a scale tomorrow, because I know I'll have gained five pounds. and I blame the United States Constitution in general, and the electoral college in particular.