Just call me Auntie Haul, or, why I'm not even tempted by this lip palette

I've mentioned that lately, I've been watching and enjoying Kimberly Clark's YouTube videos. Kimberly is a drag queen who has become well-known in the YouTube video community for her anti-haul videos.

Hauls and Anti-Hauls

To get you up to speed in case you don't do YouTube: a haul video is when someone makes a video about the latest stuff they bought. For all I know, gamers do this with games, but I watch the ones about makeup. Sometimes people add first impressions of the products, but mostly it's just young women opening bag after bag of stuff.

Kimberly has a problem with the amount of mindless consumption in Youtube videos, so she started making anti-haul videos, where she talks people out of buying stuff.

YouTube Beauty Gurus

I thought in my own small way, I'd add to the discourse. Not by making a video, because I can't be bothered with all that. Six years ago, you could sit in front of your desktop and just talk to your webcam.

Nowadays beauty gurus always have a full face of makeup, a cute outfit, and perfect hair.  They sit in front of some sort of attractive backdrop. Some use a swath of sequinned fabric, but others will sit in front of their battle station (i.e., vanity) which is artfully decorated, as is the rest of their beauty room. They use an expensive, high quality camera and use a wide variety of editing skills to product the final product.

This is from a parody video by Britney Lee Saunders, but yeah. Pretty much.

All of this to pull lipsticks out of an Ulta bag and chat about them.

OK, sure, people sometimes do swatches in haul videos. Sometimes they impart useful information about the scent, shade, and consistency of the products ... but basically, I think haul videos are dumb. And, because I'm opinionated yet lazy, it's too much trouble for me to argue that point in a video. Don't get me wrong, Internet. I love you very much, but I'm damned if I'm going to put together a beauty room as an attractive background to my natterings.

Enough intro. Let the anti-haul commence!

Are you a makeup artist?

If the answer is "no," then there is a limit to the number of shades of makeup you need. If you're thinking, "But Poppy, you own every eyeshadow palette ever created!" I have to admit; you have a point. I own far too much eyeshadow. But even I have my limits.

What are these "limits" you speak of?

As out of control as I get about some color cosmetics, I'm proud to say that I'm a fairly reasonable creature when it comes to lipstick.

First of all, I have fairly strict ideas about what's becoming to me. To my mind, lips should be a color found in nature. Some variety of pink/red/brown/plum. Of course, those are the colors that work with my coloring. Other people can rock orange or Barbie pink, but lipstick colors like that would distract attention from my more important features, like my breasts. ONLY KIDDING. Like the rest of my face.

In addition, anything drying is right out. I have a hard enough time keeping my lips moisturized and soft. Those super matte liquid lipsticks that are all over the place are not for me.

Also, when I'm at home (at my battle station) I might use lip balm, lip pencil, lipstick, and lip gloss. But when I'm out and about, I want a lipstick I can pop open and swipe on. No lip pencil, crazy gloss, and multiple layers of colors need apply.

All of that explains why I'm currently on my third tube of Guerlain's Rouge G in Gracia.

Guerlain Rouge G lipstick in Gracia, available at Sephora for $54

It's a sheer plummy color that can be built up to a pretty intense shade. It's moisturizing and comfortable on the lips without being greasy. And the built-in mirror is genius.

On the other hand, I'm sure you understand why I find this kind of thing eminently resistible.

Say hello to my giant friend. This is Bobbi Brown's Artist Palette. It costs $220, contains 54 shades of lipstick, and looks about the same size as my iPad.

Now, if you're a makeup artist, this thing could be genius. Especially if you do a lot of brides, because Bobbi makes pretty, wearable shades, and I'm pretty sure there's a shade in there to suit pretty much everyone. And let's face it—in terms of amount of lipstick per dollar, the Bobbi Brown is a better buy. For the same money, you could only get four Guerlain Rouge G lipsticks.

But lipstick doesn't last forever. The oils go rancid. And this thing is huge. And probably has a lot of colors that will look terrible on you. You will NEVER go through it.

There. I just saved you $220.