Tuesday, November 06, 2007

NaBloPoMo 6: A Quiz: Are You Fat?

The weird thing about getting fat is that it seems to happen overnight. You're going along in your usual not very exciting, certainly not very dramatic way, and someone takes a picture of you at BlogHer, and boom! You're fat.

And you think, "What the hell happened?"

Trust me. You didn't get fat overnight. No really, you didn't. You know how long it takes to lose weight? Well, it takes just as long to gain it. You have to have been doing a lot of wrong stuff for a long time before you get to be 40 or 50 pounds overweight. Ask me how I know.

So how does this happen? ("Sleep-eating?" she asked herself hopefully.)

No, not sleep eating.

So here's today's insight: just as alcoholism is a disease of denial, so is fatism. Fat people have all the body dysmorphic problems that teeny tiny little anorexic people have. You know how Mary Kate Olson looks at herself in the mirror and thinks she looks hot? Well, fat people do the same thing.

We think we look fine, even cute, when hello? We're fat. We think we don't really eat that much, when hello? We do.

Yes, we really do eat that much. Trust me on this. Spend a single day on Weight Watchers measuring every bite of food that goes into your mouth, and you will discover two things: the first is what being hungry feels like. The second is that you have been eating massive amounts of food.

To help you escape the cloud of unknowing that you may have wrapped around yourself like a puffy down comforter made of blubber,* here is a quiz! It's extremely scientific, having been tested on a well-known blogger whom I shan't name, because I've done myself enough damage, OK?

1. When someone starts to take your picture, do you flip them the bird, even if your hair looks great?
2. Do you have to lie down on the bed--and possibly use various non-clothing-related household implements--in order to zip your jeans?
3. Have you accused your dry cleaner of shrinking your clothes?
4. Are you convinced that your clothes dryer is running too hot?
5. Do you remain faithful to your spouse in part because it's impossible to remove your wedding ring?
6. Would you describe yourself as big boned, voluptuous, or buxom?
7. Do you have no idea how much you actually weigh?
8. Do you suspect that your actual weight is completely unrelated to your driver's license weight?
9. Are you considering a new career as a department store Santa?
10. Do you want fries with that?

If you answered "yes" to any of the questions, you are my new best friend and are now a dues-paying member of the Poppy Buxom diet support group.

* What a metaphor! That, my friends, is two degrees in English literature talking.

9 comments:

  1. You mean, the dry cleaner hasn't been shrinking my clothes? Damn.

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  2. Okay, well according to this, I am still SMOKING HOT. Which does not at all explain why I'm only 10 pounds below my top pregnancy weight evah.

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  3. After reading this one, I decided it was time to stop lurking. Is it a bad thing that I answered yes to 4 of the questions?

    Oh well, it's nice to know I'm not alone on the battlefield of the scale! I've managed to lose 20 pounds (to the everlasting disgust of my coworkers), mostly by bringing my lunch to work instead of eating fast food every day. I'm amazed at how much better I'm eating when I force myself to cook at home more and add extra veggies to everything.

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  4. Back when Oprah was fat and I still loved her, she pointed out that God made the slim swift Saluki and God made the big shambling Sheepdog. A Sheepdog will never be a Saluki because it was made to be a Sheepdog. Um, I think I had a point when I started this, but let's just say I'm built for lying by the fire, not racing across the desert. May I join the Poppy Buxum Diet Support Group?

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  5. According to this I should soon be getting a placque for being founding member...

    but I'll settle for the secret handshake and the flashy key-ring.

    (And fries? Not an option, really.)

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  6. I'm not even going to say how many of those questions got a "yes" from me, only that it was more than it should be.

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  7. Yes, yes, yessity, yes.

    I've been on Weight Watchers and WW charges too much for alcohol. I have a teenager. I need a drink. Or three. And some cheese.

    -sigh-

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  8. When I was in 5th grade, a reporter from the Wall Street Journal came to my school (Marie Murphy Jr. High) and interviewed a batch of us girls about weight. For the record, I was so tubby that jeans would not fit me; I wore pink or purple sweatpants all the time. My mom, however, was super thin (always has been) and often after washing her jeans found that she could only zip them while lying down and using pliers. I mentioned this to the reporter. It appeared in the article as, "One girl's mother even uses pliers to zip up her jeans." My mom read that and beamed. "Look Suzanne, someone else's mother needs pliers to close her jeans!" I looked her square in the eye and replied, "Uh mom? That's you."

    Sorry for the long story. Question 2 got the memories flowing.

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  9. uff... well, thanks to the doctor's visit i finally made i can at least answer no to question 7. not that the change to a yes answer made me much happier.

    having to buy my own food now that i'm not eating in a dorm/from my parent's kitchen is also a good way of realizing how much i was eating before.

    go poppy buxom support group!

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Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.