Monday, May 11, 2009

I don't know whether you've noticed, but I have a funny last name.

I've had a funny last name for pretty much my whole life.

The only person I ever met whose last name was as funny as mine was a woman in graduate school whose last name was "Bosomworth." No lie. Believe it or not, my last name was just as funny.

Naturally, we took to each other right away.

Then I got married and--go ahead and tell me I've lost all my feminist street cred--took my husband's last name. It's easy to spell and doesn't reference a female body part.

That was a halcyon period of my life. An Augustinian time when everything was simply splendid. I had a normal last name. A name that didn't make sober, serious, mature people burst out laughing. And I had started blogging as Poppy. Just Poppy. I have to tell you, it was delightful.

But unfortunately, there are a lot of Poppies on the internet. In fact, there may be more poppies on the internet than there are in Flanders Field (and if you don't recognize the reference, put the laptop down and go find out. Or google it. I'll wait.)

There's Tall Poppy and Blue Poppy and Poppy Mom and Poppy Cedes and with one thing and another, sometime around 2005 or so, I decided I needed an internet last name.

So I picked Buxom. I don't really know why.

Well, that's not true. I don't know whether you've noticed, but I have a somewhat childish sense of humor. Also, "buxom" is fairly descriptive.

(Although I could just have easily have picked "Brown" or "Brunette." Why didn't I? Why?)

See, some kids at my kids' school are all up in my son's face (I exaggerate; they're actually too short to reach that far) about my internet surname. They're telling my son that "Buxom" means "having really huge breasts."

This just goes to show you how dumb today's teenagers are.

First of all, it's wrong. If you don't believe me, check a dictionary. If you want a synonym for "having really huge breasts," try "stacked."

And second of all, if you're interested in really huge breasts, why waste even one brain cell deciding whether your schoolmate's mother's internet handle is accurate? I mean, how deeply icky is that? Your classmate's mother's rack? Even Pamela Anderson's sons' friends would feel weird going there.

And what a ludicrous waste of time when you could be checking out internet porn instead.

18 comments:

  1. HAHAH!! I'm sorry your son is having to go through that - but believe me, teasing him about YOU is simply saving him from being teased about something else - probably more personal and hurtful.

    Kids are mean man!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Someone should do a study on how internet porn has changed the development of teenage boys.

    My husband spent days, weeks even, looking for his father's playboy stash. And even though he had memorized every single page, when his dad found a new hiding place, he would search them out again. Think of all that brain development. All that time spent being productive.

    Now all they have to do is hit a few keys and waste the extra time left making fun of some kid's mother's internet name. Geeze.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Don't make me sing "Stacy's Mom" at you. Because I WILL.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I could hear the gasps of horror from the parents in your school district all the way across the lake, Ms. Buxom!

    ReplyDelete
  5. That's funny... I am sooooo dreading when they go off to school.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My MIL's maiden name was "Sidebottom". Ugh. She married young.

    She has two sisters who never married.

    I think if I had been a Sidebottom, I would have married the first boy who asked me, even if it had been in third grade.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Michel: I guess that's the silver lining.

    AmyAnne: I know. Lazy little shits! Back in the old days, when I wanted to look at porn, I had to go uphill in the snow--both ways. And I liked it!

    Badger: I would pay large American dollars to hear that.

    SusieSunshine: The cool thing about it is what are the parents going to do? If anyone mentions my blog, I can always tell them that it's their responsibility to teach their kids about cybersafety. Heh.

    Amo: Luckily for you, kids will have moved on to something else by the time yours are old enough to read.

    Anonymous: My maiden name was just as bad. Actually, it still is. I have two brothers, two sisters, and three nephews, all burdened with the equivalent of Sidebottom.

    Me? I'm surprised my mother didn't slap my father in the face when he proposed.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Aw! Sorry your son's getting the Business about the Buxom. FWIW, your moniker makes me think of Brett in The Sun Also Rises, with curves like the hull of a racing yacht.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Except Poppy Buxom probably makes it through the filters and "Big Boobs" doesn't. And so it goes.

    ReplyDelete
  10. So, I Googled "define: buxom" and got "bosomy: (of a woman's body) having a large bosom and pleasing curves'.

    It also guided me to : Related phrases: buxom octopus woman".

    ReplyDelete
  11. Unfortunately, teenage (esp male) libido knows no bounds or shame. Blogging and the Internet do not help with this... Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMG
    Teabagging/Pulling a train, His mothers breasts
    Eight grade, euww!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I know a lady with the last name of Bosomworth! Also, a friend of mine's maiden name was Halfacre. Yikes.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Write about vibrators again - that might scare them off.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hey, they know how to use a dictionary - even if it's online. That's a good thing, right?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Dethridge. Does that beat whatever variation of Buxom you were born with?

    Married twice and grabbed the simpler name both time. You have my vote.

    As for the boys? They will sort it out.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Can I just tell you what I would give to be called "buxom?"

    Your blog makes me LAUGH!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I grew up with a family who's last name really is "Buxom" it sucked for their sons.

    Talk about how you will murder all of them in their sleep if the tease your son again. Oh wait, that may be cyberstalking. Maybe threaten to come to school and eat lunch with them if the keep it up.

    ReplyDelete

Gentle Readers:

For the time being, I've turned off comment moderation. Please don't spam; it's not nice.

xxx, Poppy.